Pay attention to those who love and care about you when choosing a mate.
Dr Linda Helps – Pay attention to the people who love and care about you when it comes to selecting a mate. For example, my parents (two people I consider to be relatively healthy) had opinions concerning my future partner. They had a perspective I valued as they watched me interact with men. At the point of marriage, they knew me better than anyone else. They also felt somewhat protective of their daughter.
There were men I dated that my mother felt were not compatible with me. She didn’t meddle but did share her observations. This was helpful because she only reinforced what I already sensed. My father also had opinions and commented on things he felt were important about men. My parents’ input didn’t determine my decision but I certainly found it valuable.
It’s important to pray, read your Bible and seek God when you consider marrying someone. If you ask God to speak to you about the person, He will. You have to spend time in prayer about this decision. Don’t think God isn’t interested. He is. If His eye is on the sparrows, He’s watching you! He knows the seriousness of the covenant and He wants you to get it right. But you’ve got to go to Him, ask and listen.
Clients often tell me they felt “a check in their spirits” about a potential mate. Or they feel the still small voice is prompting them to end a relationship. Don’t ignore those spiritual warnings. When you pray about a specific marriage partner, the answer may not always be a green light.
In addition, you should talk to your friends and listen to those who share your faith. They can help you think through important issues. If you are not defensive and truly open to the feedback of others, they can point to areas of concern. Deal with these areas prior to a making a commitment. You are in la la land if you think problems will magically disappear after the wedding. People often marry and say they knew they made a mistake on the honeymoon! What happened after the wedding wasn’t a surprise because signs were present during the engagement.
Your pastor/priest/rabbi should be involved in the decision to marry. He/she is your spiritual authority and can challenge you as a couple regarding your commitment and compatibility. Premarital counseling is effective with many couples. There are inventories like PREPARE (Olson, Fournier, & Druckman, 1986) that identify areas of relational strengths and potential problems that predict marital dissatisfaction. If you’ve got access to these inventories, use then. They can highlight areas of potential pitfalls. You may also learn things about your partner you didn’t know.
Obviously there is much to consider when choosing a spouse. That’s why it is so important to take your time, get to know the person and watch how he/she handles life under a number of circumstances. Seeing someone function over time is very helpful. That’s why quick courtships are dangerous – anyone can be on best behavior for a short period. Don’t minimize a concern you see while dating. Bring it up and deal with it directly. If you can’t do this while dating, it won’t get easier when you are married.