Boredom! Who wants that? And we certainly don’t want to be bored in a relationship. Yet many couples complain that they are bored with their partner and want to spice up their relationship.
Day-to-day routines quickly render things mundane. Like the caged rat running on the wheel, you want to break out and do something different. Routines are comforting, but they get old: wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, interact with the kids, then watch TV and go to bed. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.
When boredom sets in, it is easy to take your partner for granted. And COVID hasn’t helped. Now we are so much more limited in what we can safely do. Fortunately, this is beginning to change.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Couples who have been together a long time do fall into a routines and patterns. There is comfort in this. Predictability and structure help with stress. But when the routine begins to cause you to lose interest in your partner, there could be a problem. The enthusiasm goes away and you find yourself tired and bored. Life becomes monotonous. And when disconnection follows, relationships are heading toward destruction.
So, how do we appreciate familiarity and enjoy the comforts of routine, but prevent boredom? Consider these tips:
- Know what you partner loves and make sure you both do it. For me, it’s travel. It takes me out of the mundane and brings novelty to the relationship. Yes, travel has been challenging during COVID, but a road trip to a park, a short trip to enjoy something new and eventually more trips, makes me happy. So talk to your partner and find out what your partner likes and intentionally work that in to your schedule.
- Novelty is important. You have to shake it up once in awhile. So try something new. Together. You might try a cooking class, a ballroom dancing class, even a new church volunteering activity. Whatever is new and different that you can do together, gets the dopamine going (reward feeling in the brain).
- Find ways to laugh together. There is something about adding humor to a relationship that makes it fun and a little more unpredictable. Find ways to laugh together. Maybe a movie, a funny game, charades, etc. Tickle each other. Make the partner laugh. Shake it up with some fun. Get silly and let go a bit. Humor is a good stress reliever as well.
- Get active. Don’t give in to tiredness–it will make you even more tired. Instead, get active. Start walking, exercising and doing things together. It’s easy to sit at home and get on a device which is not interactive with real people. Put down the electronics, turn off the TV and get outside or do something inside. Take on a home project, a new skill to learn or take a language class together. Make yourself move off the couch and your mood will improve as well. And a better mood with exercise and activity makes a better partner.
- Be curious about your partner. When you meet up after work at home, ask questions about the day. What was interesting, challenging? Discuss life goals and dreams and what you long to build together. Continue to get to know your partner as you grow together. Recently, I heard my husband telling a story I had never heard about his past. After all these years, I could still learn new things about him.
- When it is safe, get together with friends. Something about a group of friends brings out laughter and fun. This is one of the things I really miss. I love inviting people to our home because hey, people are interesting. And the diversity of friends we have brings new perspectives. Yet I find a lot of couples are reluctant to host, feeling they aren’t good at it. It’s not that hard. Clean up the space, put out some food and just have fun. You could start a card group or some type of study as well.
- Be affectionate. Not just in the bedroom but in surprising moments of the day or night. The other day, my husband brought home flowers. No reason, he just decided it would be a nice surprise and it was. Stop what you’re doing and give a hug or a kiss. Hold hands when walking and tell your partner why you appreciate them. It’s good medicine that we all need on a regular basis.
Look, boredom is natural in a relationship that feels safe and secure. But you don’t want to lose sight of working to make that relationship fun and interesting through the years. And that often takes intention. Enjoy the comfort of knowing the person well, but continue to shake it up once in awhile and remember how you met and what attracted you to that person in the first place.
