It’s winter. Cold and you’re bored with just about everything. So, you head out to your local coffee shop armed with a book and ready for a hot caramel macchiato. As you settle in to your little corner of the room, you notice a man at another table glancing at you. Well, actually, he might be staring at you. Not in a creepy way, but a friendly smiling type of way.
You look away. Back to your book that isn’t as interesting as this man who keeps glancing at you. At least you think he is interested. But you won’t stare back. However, out of the corner of your eye, you notice his broken gaze keeps coming back your way. It’s a little exciting, but is there anything to this? Have you watched too many Rom-Coms to think this guy could be interested in you?
Actually, there is something important going on in this brief scenario. Eye-to-eye contact is powerful. In fact, eye contact is one way to build attraction and interest. So much so that even strangers can feel attraction to each other just from making eye contact.
Staring can lead to attraction
A number of years ago, researchers Kellerman, Lewis and Laird randomly assigned opposite sex pairs of strangers to stare into each other’s eyes. After 2 minutes of mutual staring, the stranger couples were asked how they felt about each other. Those who gazed into each other’s eyes for 2 minutes reported feeling passionate love for each other.
Really? We can build attraction just by opening the windows of the soul? What is going on here? A lot including your biochemistry. Turns out, that when you stare lovingly into a person’s eyes, you release phenylethylamine, a chemical responsible for feelings of attraction (FYI, also found in chocolate!). And the love chemical, oxytocin that is responsible for feelings of bonding and commitment, get released as well.
In addition to this biochemical reaction, you may be thinking, do I signal something else with my glances?
Staring reduces uncertainty
Researchers Croes et al conducted an experiment to learn more about eye to eye contact with strangers. They looked at couples who were speed dating. In their study, romantic attraction didn’t develop, but eye contact resulted in lower feelings of uncertainty and increased self-disclosure. Eye contact allows the other person to open up and tell you things about themselves.
In fact, they found eye contact to be more powerful than asking a boat-load of questions. When you get past the initial uncertainties starting a relationship, asking questions helps you get to know them. But you may prompt more opening up and self-disclosure earlier by using eye contact.
Size matters but not where you think
And there is more. Pay attention all you optometrists! During the ovulation cycle of a woman, size matters…that is the size of a man’s pupils. Scientists think this is because pupil size during this part of the menstrual cycle indicates sexual interest. Researchers noted that pupil size only mattered during this peak time in a woman’s cycle. It’s then that women prefer men with larger pupils. Ok, I’ll let you figure out what to do with this information.
Make love last
Finally, years ago, researcher Zick Rubin discovered that couples who sustained love over the years made eye contact around 75% of the time when they talked to each other. Their regular gazing into each other’s eyes helped sustain love. All those chemicals are stimulating and intimacy continues to build. Hey, this is a win-win strategy to make love last: it doesn’t cost money nor a lot of time.
So, if strangers feel passion and love for those who stare at them, what could this do for intentional relationships? Perhaps eye contact is a missing emphasis in love relationships. Fortunately, it is one you can easily correct.
