This is a very disturbing story. A dad, his 4-year-old son and a 3-year-old sibling were going to MacDonald’s. The children were in the back seat of the car as they drove through the lane to order. According to NBC News, the workers got the order wrong. Thus, the dad was asked to pull over to the front of the store so the order could be corrected. Angered by this, the dad flashed a firearm. Seeing the gun, the MacDonald’s employee rightfully called the police. While this is disturbing in and of itself, the next part of the story is even more concerning.
When police came, they had to pull the father from the car as he would not respond to any of their commands to get out of the car. Once they secured him, he was going to be taken into custody. But an officer noticed a gun pointing out of the back window of the car. The gun was fired by the 4-year-old son in the back seat sitting next to his 3-year-old sibling. Apparently, he had been instructed by his dad to shoot police. Yes, you read that correctly -a 4-year-old shot at a police officer after being given a gun by his dad and told to shoot.
This is chilling. A father instructs a preschooler to shoot at police. Other than the reported story, I know nothing about this man or his life. So my comments now are based on what at we know clinically about this type of anger expression.
Anger Lessons
Anger runs in families and is learned generationally. In this case, a 4-year-old child got a lesson in how to deal with frustration when an incorrect order was placed. Children learn to be angry from observing and seeing anger modeled in their families, media and other sources of exposure. Not only do they see it, but they imitate it. And in this case, anger expression was even instructed.
Now, all of us feel anger from time to time. But it is the expression of anger that is learned and can be toxic. And situational factors can add to angry feelings –low socioeconomic status, relationship with a partner, and partner violence have all been associated with generational violence. These are factors, not givens, meaning they can create a tipping point.
Unfortunately, stressed and angry parents who are unregulated in their emotional states teach their children the same. Feelings of frustration are projected on to other people. Angry people feel victimized or out of control of their lives. They blame others for feelings of discomfort.
While an incorrect order at MacDonald’s is an unlikely trigger for most of us, the pile up of stress, victim status, and unregulated emotions can end in an outburst directed at others. When anger is other-oriented, people get hurt.
Sadly, in this story, the father has already taught his son how to express anger, frustration and hate. Children watch how the adults in their lives deal with their temper, anger in traffic, anger at their boss or co-workers, anger at family members and neighbors. They sense the build up of frustration and then watch how it is discharged.
But anger aimed at others solves nothing. In fact, it hurts those you love.
So how does this change? How do we help people put down weapons and deal with their frustrations in a better way?
Change Anger expression
In order to stop explosive anger…
- Don’t give vent to it. Venting anger escalates it.
- Don’t keep thinking about how you are wronged. The more you think about it, the angrier you will become.
- Stop demanding people behave in ways you think are right. We have no control over what other people do and say, yet reacting as if you do, leads to more anger.
- Holding on to anger and offense breeds resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, and more negative emotion which only compound anger problems. Forgive those who have hurt you. Stop nursing offenses.
- Extend grace. No one does the right thing all the time. We all fall short and must work at extending grace to those around us. Grace is unmerited favor, meaning it is not deserved but given anyway. Extending grace to others is an antidote to generational anger.
Then, it is up to the angry person to get at the root of his or her anger and learn calming techniques to regulate this powerful emotion. Otherwise, the cycle will simply repeat over and over. It takes intention and work to manage anger.
Fortunately, the child in our news story did not kill anyone. Hopefully, someone will intervene and help this young child and his father learn better ways to cope with life and interact with people who frustrate or disappoint. If not, the cycle will continue and more harm will be done.
