Jim’s ‘s life was a mess. He was making one bad choice after another and was miserable.
“Jim, why don’t you get help? I have a great therapist who has helped me a lot. Do you want her number?”
“No thanks, I will figure it out. I’m not crazy.”
Of course Jim is not crazy. But he is emotionally stuck and hesitant to get help. His idea of therapy is based on a number of myths. Most of what he knows about therapy is simply not true. Here are 10 common myths that prevent people from asking for help:
- I am doomed by my dysfunctional family. Show me a family that is not dysfunctional and we will all move to that planet! And when we move, there are no guarantees that people there won’t be dysfunctional as well! We are all broken and have stuff. But you can’t blame your family for your problems, even if they are aliens! Families may contribute to your problems, but you are ultimately responsible for fixing your issues. And it can be done. Therapy focuses on how you react to family patterns and what you have learned from your original family. Thankfully, learned behavior can be unlearned and you can change. You are not doomed by your family.
- I will need to talk about my mother. We only do so if mom is in the room and can talk back! Seriously, moms have a bad rap. Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever undertaken. We should talk about our moms, but in kinder, more empathetic ways, and stop blaming them for all the ills of the world. They did not cause famines in our land, riots in our streets or wars among nations. Yes, some moms have serious problems and we need to learn how to respond to them, maybe forgive them and set boundaries. But the purpose of talking about moms or any family member is to get at your response to them and to see if you can reconcile, come to terms with them and live in peace. So, talk about your mom or any family member with the purpose to better understand your influences and how those influences have impacted you. Then, decide what parts you want to change or keep that are positive.
- I have problems because I wasn’t breast-fed. You have problems if you even make this statement! How can someone’s breasts cause you to have problems? I mean, think about it. Freud just needed to blame his mother (see #2). Truth is, life circumstances contribute to our functioning. Some of us grew up with challenges from the beginning. Therapy helps you understand those influences to better understand who you are today. Again, the purpose of this exploration is so you can make choices to be a better person. And with the power of Chris in you, you are an overcomer.
- I have to lie down on a couch and get in touch with my inner child. Inner child, outer child—get in touch with your grown-up child! I am not dismissing the wounds of childhood. They deeply affect us, but we can get so stuck in childhood pain that we don’t change our current adult behavior. And in many of my therapy offices, there was no couch, only chairs! When I did have a couch, I was on it most times just to relax! The furniture in a therapist’s office is often given to the therapist or chosen for comfort and putting you at ease. Very few doctors practice psychoanalysis and put you on a couch. So if this not what you want, ask about the therapy approach used.
- I help people so I must be co-dependent. By today’s definition of codependency, Jesus was codependent. Helping others and showing concern for them is not pathological. It’s called Christ like. It’s part of who we are as compassionate people. The problem comes when help isn’t helpful—when you do for others what they can do for themselves. Or when you feel responsible for another person’s actions or feel you need to fix them. Therapy can help you know the difference between codependency and servanthood.
- I am a victim (see #1). If you were raised in the 1950s, you suffer from the repression of women; raised in the 1960s, the “devil made you do it” and is to blame; grew up in the 1970s, free love and drugs led you astray. If you are a child of the 1980s, you got caught up in materialism and greed; raised in the 1990s, Bill Clinton’s mother and grandmother are to blame (see #2). Finally if you were raised in the 2000s, technology is the problem. The truth is…everything can influence you, but you are ultimately responsible for who you are before God. On the Day of Judgment, I can’t imagine God allowing us to parade a long line of people who prevented us from taking responsibility. We face the big Guy alone and will be accountable for our actions. So, stop being a victim and take responsibility for how you respond to what has happened to you.
- I will need counseling the rest of my life. If you do, you are seeing a crook. The purpose of counseling, or any help for that matter, is to get you standing on your own two feet. The idea is to get problems resolved and move on with life. A good counselor, especially one who understands the transforming power of Christ, doesn’t give you a life sentence. Counseling may take awhile depending on the trauma and wounding you experienced, but the idea is to equip you to handle life once those issues are resolved.
- It doesn’t matter who I see. Actually, it matters quite a bit. You want a therapist who understands, shares and supports your world view. There is a difference between a secular approach to therapy and a Christian one. This is because everything we do is informed through that lens of world view. While therapists try to be neutral, the truth is no one is neutral. We are all impacted by our world view and it influences how we direct others. Issues like marriage, gender, end of life, etc are filtered through your world view and should be consistent with biblical truth.
- I can’t change. This is a defeatist attitude and one that keeps you stuck. Change is the hallmark of the Christian life. If Saul, the terrorist, changed to Paul the apostle, what more proof do you need? The very person who persecuted Christians became a leader of the faith. Again, the transforming power of Christ changes everyone. Therapy just helps you apply the Word to your every day life and problems. Christian therapists help facilitate the healing power of Christ in you. Transformation is the hallmark of the Christian life. Christ in you should change you. Therapists can help you figure out what’s blocking that transformative change.
- It’s embarrassing to get help. Ahh, back to Jim. That was his issue. He worried what other people thought. And he felt like a failure for asking for help. Yet, he was stuck and miserable. Asking for help requires humility. But we all need help now and then. And if you had a difficult road to your adult life, making sense of all the obstacles and difficulties can make a real difference. Don’t believe the lie that asking for help means weakness. It takes courage and strength to admit a need for help. So lose the embarrassment and embrace a better future.
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