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When you hear a piece of news, do you think of the worse possible outcome? Are you that person who thinks the world is ending every time you hear about climate change? Or maybe when the doctor tells you that you have an irregular mole, you immediately think it is cancer? Or how about when you teen is late for curfew, you think something is terribly wrong.

If you easily jump to negative conclusions, you might be a catastrophizer. This is a person who thinks terrible things will or may happen. Basically, when there is any uncertainty or ambiguity, you assume the negative. Also, if you think something is very important in your life and that you might lose that important thing or person, catastrophic thinking can be a guard against the pain of  possible loss. The thinking is, if I prepare for the worse, I may be able to handle the loss better.

Fear is also a part of this type of thinking. For example, let’s say you receive an email that tells you if you were accepted to a college. You really want to go to this school, but you are afraid you might get rejected. So you think the worse. You can’t open the email because you know it is a rejection. This fear reinforces catastrophic thinking.

When you are anxious, you may try to calm yourself down by checking the Internet to see if you are “right” or if someone else feels the same. You look for outward assurance. Could I be right? I hope I am wrong! But this checking on-line or with friends only provides temporary relief. You still worry.

Catastrophic thinking causes lots of anxiety and may even lead to depression. And this type of thinking has no benefit to you as a person. It actually leads to fear, avoidance and isolation.

So what can you do to change this style of thinking?

1. Understand this type of thinking is based on cognitive distortions. Thoughts like, “If I fail this exam, I will fail out of school”-even though you have an A average, are based on distortions. Or as a pain patient told me, “If I don’t feel better in a few days, I will be disabled.” This was not true. Both of these examples demonstrate how a person magnifies the outcome. So right now, tell yourself, bad things can happen but worrying about them won’t prevent the outcome. And the outcome may not be as bad as you think. Unpleasant things are a part of life.
2. Monitor your thoughts. Try to be aware of when your thoughts are going to extremes. Identify those thoughts.
3. Tell your mind to stop!Take the thought captive. Recognize that the thought is a magnification of a possibility. You need to grab the thought and ask, what evidence do I have that this thought is true, untrue or realistic?
4. Take a moment and ask, what would I say to a friendwho had a thought like this? Would I tell him or her to  be more realistic or continue to think in such an anxious way?
5. Now, replace that thought with something more reasonable. Take down the magnification to a normal concern but with other possibilities as well. You can challenge your thoughts. You can think differently.
6. Finally, remind yourself of God’s care for you and your ability to deal with bad things when they happen in life. Think about a time you did overcome and dealt with uncertainty. Focus your attention on that time. What worked? What was your thinking like then? How did your faith allow you to remain calm and positive?
7. Pray and ask God to give you His perfect peace.He has your life in His hand and nothing happens that He doesn’t see. His promise is to walk you through difficult times. If we keep our mind stayed on Him, He will keep us in perfect peace. And His perfect love casts out all fear. To be anxious about nothing requires a profound trust in God who orders our steps.

If you need more help doing the above, find a therapist who practices Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) as these steps are based on that type of therapy. You can learn to tone down your thoughts and make them more reasonable. It will take awareness and attention to each thought, but eventually you can lose that style of thinking.

The Beatles sang about a fool on a hill. Day after day, all alone, the fool stands. While I don’t believe the Beatles had any intention to tie this song to resiliency, it does speak to something very important. If you work in an organization or coach a team and want people to be more resilient, the fool on the hill provides insight. When we face challenges and demands, we don’t want to be alone on a hill. Here is why.

It matters if we face challenges alone or with others. Researchers decided to test this conclusion. They conducted a study in which a person stood in front of a hill alone and estimated the steepness of  the hill. Then they had the person go to the hill accompanied by a friend and something surprising happened. When the friend was present, standing three feet away, facing the other way and not talking, the person estimated the hill to be 10-20% less steep than when he or she was alone looking at the hill. In other words, just the presence of another person made the hill seem less steep. Thus,  when you face challenges and difficulty, just the presence of another person buffers your stress and builds resiliency. The presents of another person helps you see the challenges of life as less daunting.

And there is more, even when the person was asked to just think of a supportive friend during an imaginary task, the same thing occurred. They saw the hill as less steep. The take home here is that the support from a good quality relationship helps us face challenges and stay resilient. When you include others and don’t go it alone, hills and mountains look easier to climb.

Our perception of the world is altered when meaningful people accompany us on the journey. The importance of social connection cannot be overstated. So if you are alone and isolated, you need to find someone with whom to do life. Don’t be the fool on the hill, alone, seeing the sun go down (more lyrics from the Beatles). Grab a friend, go for coffee, invite someone to dinner and build meaningful friendships. But know, it is the quality of the relationship that matters. So you may have to work at developing friendships.

Next time you are tempted to retreat to your office, close the door and isolate from others, think about how this might be impacting your resiliency and stress. It might be time to venture out to the coffee pot, talk to that person in the office down the hall or talk to someone who appears friendly! If you are really stressed, imagine a true friend doing the task with you.

Finally, if you are a person of faith, think of the God’s presence. He’s not an imaginary friend, but a true friend. You don’t ever have to be the fool on the hill, alone, seeing the sun go down! His presence is powerful and a great help to facing life stress. He is a resiliency factor!

It’s that time of year again. You need to get up in front of a group of people and give a presentation to the class, to your boss or to the team. You want to do it right. And you want to do more than just get through it. You want to be confident. So what do you do? How do you improve your chance for success?

One way is to use visualization. Visualization is simply picturing in your mind how you want to do something. In this case, you will visualize  yourself giving a presentation and then sitting down once you have finished. What does that look like? How will you move through it? Your visualizing needs to be specific.

If you are anxious about getting up in front of a group, that is Ok. Acknowledged! But imagine the opposite. You are calm, fluent, relaxed and articulate. When you visualize yourself doing the talk, practice deep breathing and calming your body. See yourself making the presentation while relaxing your physical body. Stay present as you imagine the scene. Don’t allow nerves to get the best of you. Focus on the moment.

Now, picture yourself moving to the podium or in front of the group/class. See yourself walking with confidence, smiling, and greeting the group.

Sometimes the introduction is the hardest. So think about it in advance. How will you introduce yourself and what will you say? Rehearse it.

Next, see yourself begin your talk. Rehearse how you will say it. Slow down, be relaxed and be in the moment. Practice it out loud, maybe in front of a mirror. Do it until you feel fluid and familiar with the material you want to present.

While you are practicing, what does your body language look like? Are you smiling? Making eye contact? Look engaged? Do you pause? Say, ummm a lot?

Now, imagine the type of questions or comments that could arise. Think about how you would answer each one. Rehearse your answers ahead of time. Answer all the questions and bring the meeting or talk to a close.

What if you mind goes blank? What would you do? How will you recover because you can recover. If you have ever had to speak in the past, you can think of all the things that did and could trip you up. The more you prepare for those, the less anxious you feel if they happen because you have a plan.

Once you visualize yourself completing the task, think about expectations. What is realistic? Will you give a perfect presentation? Probably not. But if you can get through it sounding coherent, that is a win. If you struggle, it simply means you need more practice. For example, rehearse your speech, calm down your physical body, or anticipate questions better.

Remember, your self-esteem is not tied to a single performance. The mindset you want to develop is one in which you stay positive and work to improve. Focus on how to improve the process, not the outcome. What specific thing can you practice over and over to bring more confidence?

The truth is public speaking is not a God-given talent. People practice this skill and do it over and over. With practice, you get better. This is why practice is key. Then, anticipate the reactions you get and how you will be received. Over time, you learn the questions most likely to be asked, become more relaxed and get better at doing it. Public speaking is like learning to drive a car, the more you do it, the smoother you get.

Imagine sitting in a park. Before you on the grass are several cups turned over. One of them has a surprise underneath it. All you have to do is turn over the cups to find the surprise. Would you do it or just sit and look at the cups? Now imagine the surprise is something that helps you make change. In fact, it will positively influence your mood.

That surprise is something called behavioral activation. You can’t actually see it under a cup. But if you turned over the cups, you used the skill. And that skill helps make change. Especially, if you find it hard to do things that you know would be helpful, but lack the motivation. For example, you know you should exercise more, but when you get home from work, you just don’t feel like it. But when you do what you don’t feel like doing, change happens. In other words, purposely schedule doing what you don’t want to do (exercise), and doing it, will actually motivate you to change.

Does this seem way too simple? It is because action precedes emotion. Action changes our brain state and makes us feel better. The more we do something that is difficult to do, the more positive experiences we produce. When we “get out there” and just do it, we feel better. So don’t wait for your brain to tell you to feel good first. Act!

Let’s talk another example. Say you lost your job. You feel sad, terrible, maybe even depressed. Then you stay in bed, watch TV and basically feel miserable. You avoid people because you are embarrassed. You don’t talk to your friends or return their texts. Your activity is all focused on feeling bad and being a victim. Now, write down: What action do you need to take to feel better? Which actions will lead to feeling worse, which ones will lead to feeling better? Some actions like prayer can lead to feeling better immediately. Other action take more effort.

When you think of actions, also consider your values. Which values do you hold and how will you stay true to those values? Often this means acting in specific ways. What are those actions? Write them down. For example, if you value relationships, what do you have to do to cultivate them? If you value relaxation, what activities lead to being relaxed? If you value physical and spiritual health, what behaviors go along with those values? Now, start doing one of those behaviors. Don’t wait until you feel ready. Just pick one and act. It may feel awkward at first. But the more you do an activity, the better you get at it and will eventually master it.

If you want to make change, identify the goal. The goal should be specific, something you could measure to see change, attainable, realistic and trackable. We call these SMART goals. Then, schedule an activity that fits you values and will help you reach that goal. Again, don’t wait to feel like doing it. Your internal state often tells you, “not now.” Work from the “outside in.” Act first and then you will feel better. And don’t give up in the process. Retraining your brain takes time. When you do act, reward yourself.

By the way, behavioral activation is especially helpful for people with depression. Depressed people stop doing and feel worse. So by making yourself do something regardless of your feeling, you activate the brain towards feeling better. Activity  grounded in your values improves your mood.

Begin today. Which activities improve your mood and are associated with feeling your best? Make a list of those activities that are consistent with your values. Choose one to get started-what it is, when do you plan to do it, and who might be involved? Finally, put that plan into action.  Try a small change and notice how you feel when you master it. Then increase the difficulty until you build more confidence.

This year, thankfully, we can finally be together as families and celebrate our moms in person. Their importance in a family cannot be overstated despite attempts to minimize this. Moms are necessary and needed. This important attachment figure plays a critical role in our healthy development and cannot be easily replaced.

Our relationship with our mother affects all our other relationships. The more positive the relationship and the more  meaningful the connection, the more skilled we will be at all other relationships. Our relationship with mom is one of the closest bonds two people can share. That kind of intimacy requires us to define ourselves apart from her and still be emotionally connected to her. This is the work we must do in all healthy relationships–be separate but still attached. And the better we work it out with our moms, the better mom we will be to our own children.

When all goes well, moms help us develop what is called a secure attachment. This means we are comfortable exploring the world around us and know that mom is our safe base-someone we can return to and be refreshed. She is responsible and available to our needs.

But moms who are emotionally disconnected, rejecting, and are unavailable and unresponsive to the needs of their child, create what is called an avoidant attachment. The child learns he or she can’t count on mom and begins to develop their own independence in order to avoid the rejection.

Finally, in terms of attachment, there is a third style that develops. It is called an anxious attachment. This comes from inconsistent responses from the mom. Sometimes, parents meet the needs and other times they don’t. Usually this is related to a parent being more self-focused than child focused. The result is anxiety because the child is unsure if needs will be met.

And notice I said “parent” on the last style because all of these styles are influenced by both moms and dads. But today, we are focused on moms. Depending on your experience, you may have to work on your emotional reactions to your mom and learn to take your position on any issue without becoming highly defensive or overly emotional. If you can learn this, you and she will benefit from this important connection. To help with this task of being separate but attached, I wrote a book on mother and daughter relationships, I Love My Mother But…Practical help to get the most out of your relationship. This book has helped many mothers and daughters strengthen and repair their relationships. 

So as you write your Mother’s Day card and consider what to say, here are several reasons why you might be grateful for your mom. Consider these and see if they fit. No matter, most moms do the best they can given their experiences.

Moms:

1. Give life. You would not be here today if a mom didn’t give birth to you. So even if you have a difficult relationship with her, celebrate that she chose to bring you into the world.
2. Moms have a natural instinct to protect children. They are emotional backbone of families. attending to the needs of children.
3. Provide a caring touch, one that is soothing and healing.
4. Often sacrifice their own needs for their children.
5. Often are the ones who affirm and validate our dreams.
6. Model how to be an adult, especially for their daughters.
7. Warn us of poor choices and direct us to better paths.
8. Who are present, build memories that last a lifetime.
9. Encourage you when you are down. No matter how much you mess up, moms seem to able to see the best in their children.
10. Pray for us and never give up on wanting God’s best in our lives.

And while I no longer have my mom with me to celebrate her today, thank you mom for teaching me how to be a strong and independent woman; for facing life challenges through your faith and resiliency; for showing me the importance of family no matter how frustrated we get with each other occasionally.

Happy Mother’s Day!