Blog

“I can’t imagine what it must have been like to go through what you just did. It sounds awful and I am here to listen.”

Do you have someone in your life who offers this type of support and listening ear? If you do, consider yourself blessed. You know someone with empathy. Unfortunately, those people seem to be rare, at least in the culturally discourse.

It seems we have lost sight of the need for empathy. Instead we are flooded by news reports of personal attacks and indifference to the struggle of others. However, if we want to build a better society and healthy relationships, empathy must be more prevalent in our public and private relationships.

In fact, empathy could bring a little civility to our culture. We need to feel each other’s pain more often than when a natural disaster or tragedy happens. Yes, Americans do respond well to national pain, but what about every day kindness and understanding in order to promote unity?

Empathy is basically putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. You can have affective empathy in which you feel or share someone’s emotions. Or you can have cognitive empathy in which you understand another person’s perspective and how they think.

And here is the good news. Empathy is a trait or skill that can be learned. We learn it best through exposure to the needs and struggles of people around us–not just by hearing something on the news, but by actually spending time with someone who is going through a tough time. When this happens, your brain actives towards compassion.

Interestingly, one of the barriers towards becoming more empathic is wealth. In general, wealthy people turn more inward and socialize with others who have wealth. Unless they intentionally put themselves in touch with needy people, they will be less likely to empathize.

So here are 7 ways to teach someone to be more empathetic:

1. Expose them to the needs of others. Take them to soup kitchens, homeless shelters, drug rehabilitation centers, etc. Exposure will activate parts of the brain needed to build empathy. It’s gets you out fo your own life experiences and helps you see how those around you live.
2. Listen to people with whom you don’t agree.Don’t always talk to your own familiar group. Rather talk to those different from you and hear other perspectives. Be open to differing views. I make it a point to listen to several news channels just to hear the differences. And yes, there are major differences! One of the problems we now have is that certain groups act like attack dogs if you don’t share their perspective. They aren’t listening if you don’t agree with them. This is dangerous and only creates enmity.
3. Don’t be judgmentalrather listen with an open mind. Again, this idea is under attack There is only tolerance for certain cultural narratives.  All people should be able to express their views without fear of retaliation. While I try not to take sides on political issues, I am horrified by the lack of civility, shouting people down, and attacking those who are different. This shows a complete lack of empathy and is bullying. Bullies judge!
4. Try to fully understand a position that is different from yours and hear all sidesbefore you dismiss another point of view. Ask questions, get clarification, seek the truth. After you have explored something fully, you may or may not come back to your original opinion.
5. Practice comforting others. Get focused on the needs of others. This will make you feel better. Acknowledge another person’s pain, share how you feel by saying something like, “I don’t know what to say” or “I am glad you told me.” Then be encouraging and supportive by offering hope- not unrealistic hope, but hope for a better day.

Begin by practicing a few of these strategies and empathy will grow. Empathy is not a fixed trait-you either have it or you don’t. Rather it can be learned and increased in anyone.

The biblical story of Jonah is a familiar one if you grew up with flannel boards in Sunday school. It’s a story that has all the elements of a good movie.

In the story, God tells Jonah, a Hebrew, to go to Nineveh, a pagan godless city whose king and people hate the Hebrews. Jonah is reluctant, so much so that he gets on a boat and sails in the opposite direction. While on the boat, a terrible storm almost destroys him and his fellow shipmates.

At some point, the shipmates figure out that Jonah is the cause of the storm and throw him over board. Then a massive fish swallows Jonah alive and he survives in the belly of the fish for 3 days and nights. While captive in the belly of fish, Jonah cries out to the Lord for rescue. The fish spits Jonah out on the shore. God again tells Jonah to go preach to the Ninevites. This time, Jonah obeys. The Ninevites repent and God spares them.

Ok that is where the flannel board stopped. Great story about a big fish and Jonah finally doing what he is told by God. We didn’t talk about the rest of the story in Sunday school. Yet, there is an important lesson to be learned from Jonah’s responses.

From the beginning of the story, Jonah is angry that God wants to help pagans. His reluctance to go to Nineveh is because he knows God is slow to anger, gracious, merciful and abundant in loving kindness. He knows God is going to help these terrible people. He wants no part of it. According to Jonah, only the good guys (the Hebrews) should get blessings and God’s interventions.  Jonah doesn’t believe the Ninevite pagans are worthy of God’s love and rescue. Basically, Jonah is a bigot!

Because of the fish experience, Jonah eventually does what God tells him to do. But his heart isn’t in it. When he gave the message and the people repented and turned from their wicked ways, Jonah left the city, sat in the sun and was angry. So angry, he wanted to die. Why would God help “those people?”

There is Jonah. Sitting in the hot sun being angry. In another weird moment, God prepares a plant to cover Jonah’s head from the scorching sun.  Jonah was grateful for the shade God provided. God took care of him. But then God sends a worm to destroy the plant. God points out to Jonah, you care about the plant taking care of you, but not about the people of Nineveh. What is up with that? It’s OK for you to experience my blessing but not those you think are unworthy.

God questions Jonah about this and asks if it is right for him to be angry.  Jonah answers, yes it is. Wow, so Jonah does this incredible thing with a wrong heart motive. Then he still doesn’t want the people of Nineveh to be blessed. They have been awful people and simply don’t deserve God’s love in his mind. Jonah’s racism is on display.

Jonah’s hate and resentment toward the lost people God wanted to save can be seen today. He didn’t want to deal with pagans and didn’t rejoice when they repented. After all, they were mean to his people. He didn’t want God to bless the other guy, only His group.

This is a chilling message for the church today. Are we all about our in crowd? Do we harbor hate and resentment toward those who are lost and taunt us? Remember, the Ninevites were enemies of God and cruel in their treatment of those who believed. Still God sends his person to go after them.

This raises the question, can we love God and hate people? Do we call the lost demons and terrible names? Now apply this to the church as well.  There seems to be a lot of disparaging remarks on social media to those in the body of Christ. Can we love God and hate our brothers and sisters–those of color, different denominations and those who fail in leadership? What is in our heart when it comes to wanting God to intervene and bless those who curse, persecute and use us? Jonah brings that challenge to my heart.

If you have been hurt by Christians because they are bigoted like Jonah, you need to see this is not a reflection of God’s heart or love. God will deal with each of us one day. Look inward to your heart. Do you harbor anger, resentment or hate?

We who have been rescued by God, delivered out of the belly of the fish, can still have a lot of acid in our belly that needs to be cleaned out. Maybe we judge those who receive God’s blessings and think, they aren’t worthy. Maybe we think, God help the Christians but don’t help the pagans? Give them what they deserve. This is bigotry.

Jonah prompts us all to examine the motive of our  heart. Are we angry at those who won the election, the people on the left or right side of aisle, the people who persecute us in the culture, those who do unscrupulous things? Let’s be honest. Are we cheering for those not in our in group to fail and get theirs? Do we enjoy seeing denominations fight and leaders fall? Do we secretly harbor anger?

Jonah was used to do something important for God. But Jonah’s heart was not right. He maintained a right to be angry and his story ends with a question from God–Should I not have pity on all people? Basically, who are you Jonah to tell me to allow those thousands of people to perish? And by the way, you care more about a plant than those people?

Look inwardly. Are you hoping the godless fall and get what they deserve? Are you secretly hoping certain Christians will fail or get theirs?  Or are you praying and hoping God redeems all people? Let’s not care more about the plant than the people God wants to save.