Dr. Linda Mintle

Category: Holiday Help

  • Does Divorce Make My Child Irritable at Holidays?

    A reader asks: Instead of being happy about the holidays, my 11 year old seems irritable and tired and doesn’t want to talk about Christmas. His dad and I divorced this summer and I am a single parent. Is this why he is so sullen?

     

    For kids, holidays can be a reminder of what has changed and is different. Since this will be your first Christmas with a new family structure, he is mostly likely thinking about how different the holidays will be. And he may be upset that his family is no longer intact.

    So in order to help him with the changes this holiday season, do the following:

    1) Plan ahead for the Christmas break and let him know what those plans will be. Where will he be on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how will presents be handled, the family meal, etc.?

    2) Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If you don’t know how something will play out, let him know but tell him you are working on finalizing plans and will keep him in the loop.

    3) Don’t let guilt rule your decisions. Be careful not to buy more presents or succumb to negative behavior because of family changes. Give your son your time and attention and address issues as they arise.

    4) Maintain as many family traditions as possible. Change, whether good or bad, is stressful so keep what you can the same. However, you can also develop new traditions.

    5) Finally, coordinate gift giving so that one parent doesn’t overload or duplicate the other. Involve grandparents when possible and try to bring a little peace to a stressful time.

  • Divorce and Family Vacations

    Summer and holidays can be a time of challenge for children of divorce. It may be unsettling for a child to vacation with a non-custodial parent. From the child’s point of view, he/she will be in strange places, with strange people, with a parent less familiar with daily habits and needs. This may create some fear and anxiety about the vacation time.

    So if you are a non-custodial parent planning a vacation with your child, or you have custody and are wondering how to prepare your child to be with the non-custodial parent, here are some suggestions to make your child feel more comfortable.

    #1–You and the non-custodial parent make vacation plans for your child together. As incredible as this sounds, it will be easier on your child if you both work together. Arrangements should be made in advance and agreed upon.

    #2–The itinerary for the trip must be shared. The custodial parent needs to know where the child will be–phone numbers and addresses. I know some non-custodial parents resist this idea but in case of an emergency, the custodial parent needs to know how to find his/her child.

    #3–Send copies of important medical information on the trip. The non-custodial parent needs to know how to handle a medical emergency or problem and have the pediatrician’s phone number, insurance information and medical records.

    #4–Be careful not to put guilt on your child. Your child should never be made to feel guilty because he/she is going on vacation with the other parent.

    #5–Work out any disagreements about the vacation away from the child before the vacation. Don’t put your child in the middle of disagreements between you and your ex.

    #6–Plan for separation anxiety. Send a photo with your child. Include his/her favorite blanket, pillow, animal or toy. Discuss ways to communicate–email, telephone, post cards or letters.

    #7–Be positive about the vacation. Talk nicely about the non-custodial parent and help your child anticipate a great time.

    #8–Normalize fears and anxiety. Tell your child it’s normal to feel a little anxious. Hopefully, that anxiety will fade as the trip progresses.

    #9–Send a camera and smile at the time of pick-up. Now is not the time to bring up unresolved issues with your ex.

    #10–Pray. Keep the non-custodial parent and the vacation on your prayer list. Pray for protection and positive interactions between parent and child.

  • Where’s the Hope of the Resurrection?

    Last week, I watched one of network television’s popular medical dramas. I felt incredibly sad at the end of the show because of one particular storyline: a wife was dying of lung cancer. Because there is no cure, she made the decision to end her life by physician-assisted suicide. In the state of Washington (where the drama is set), physician-assisted suicide is legal. 

     

    As the story unfolded, one the doctors struggled with this legality as he flashes back to the death of his fellow army officer on a battlefield in Iraq. After all, the Hippocratic Oath says, Do no harm (interestingly that was never mentioned in the story).

     

    Regarding the dying wife, the husband can’t face the reality of what the wife wants to do, but eventually succumbs to her wishes. She asks for a glass of wine to swallow the pills that will cause her death within 45 minutes. There is no talk of God, no hope of resurrection, no after life mentioned—just the desire to not die alone or feel pain. We are left to believe that this is the best option. The story ends with the wife downing the pills and curling up to her husband in her hospital bed to die.

     

    Honestly, I wanted to cry. The motivating factor for choosing death was that the wife did not want to suffer or die alone. Our culture’s response to this is to offer physician-assisted suicide, not Jesus. How sad! As we somberly remember Good Friday, I can’t help thinking about Jesus, who suffered and died on the cross to give us a hope and a future and to remind us that we are never alone. One day, suffering will end and our resurrected bodies will be pain free and glorified because of what He did for us.

     

    Why does our culture refuse to show this hope? Why can’t we see a husband hold his wife’s hand, acknowledge the suffering and pray for God’s mercy, allowing God to decide the moment of her death? Why can’t the room be filled with God’s presence so that we can see that even in death, Satan has been defeated? Why can’t we give the hope of eternity and let a dying world know that this world is not our final resting place? Why can’t we offer Jesus, so that the moment of death is a transition to a pain-free eternity?

     

    This Easter weekend, remember you are never alone. He is risen! He is risen, indeed! Death is not the final answer. We have the promise of life eternal because Christ rose from the grave. He sits at the right hand of the Father and intercedes for you. Don’t give in to despair, hopelessness, and secular solutions to pain. Know that you are loved no matter what you face. Life is sacred. God gave His Son to die so we can live. Now, that’s a storyline I would like to see on network television!

     

    How has your faith in Christ given you hope?

     

    ~ Dr. Linda 

    Related resource: Get a copy of Dr. Linda Mintle’s book, Breaking Free from Depression. For more help, go to: www.drlindahelps.com.

  • Cherish the Gift You Already Have

    My children don’t know there is an American Girl Place shopping bag overstuffed with presents secretly stashed away in my bedroom closet. By the time December hits, I have a mountain of bargain finds, admired goodies and toys to die for tucked away on a shelf. My pre-planned efforts spread the financial burden throughout the year and help avoid the last minute holiday shopping rush.

    Sounds like a plan, right? Well something happened years ago that made me rethink my supposedly genius strategy.

    It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, but I felt like a louse! As I gazed at the brilliantly wrapped packages, I was aghast! The tree looked bulimic due to my past. I slumped to the floor and grabbed hold of my man, “We have only two children. There’s enough here for ten!”

    One by one we started dismantling the swollen pile. This present can wait for a birthday, this one for next Christmas, this one for a special reward …finally the stack looked sensible.

    We made a decision. Christmas gifts were limited to three types: 1) A gift desired 2) Something needed 3) Something educational. Of course, our children hated the idea and hoped that we would eventually come to our senses. We haven’t but we’ve seen a change. No longer is Christmas an endless list of “wants.” As I listen to children move through the hallways of our home, I hear the chatter of “more”. Not only is the meaning of Christmas grossly distorted but materialism creates ungrateful kids. So instead of a new gaming system, take your kids to a soup kitchen and let them serve. Visit a homeless shelter or a hospital children’s ward and put things in perspective.

    I realize what I am saying isn’t new but we need a reminder and must examine our motives for this overindulgence. Is it related to guilt from being absent or unavailable, an attempt to communicate love, a competitive attitude with others, a way to garnish an identity and look successful, the worship of idols, a lack of self-restraint, and/or misguided thinking?

    As I watch kids quickly open disposable presents and throw them off to the side without even a thank you, I know something is very wrong. When little Suzie tells me Christmas was no fun because she didn’t get what she wanted, I think, the Grinch hasn’t stolen Christmas, our ungratefulness has. Christmas is about God giving His Son as a glorious gift to mankind. Don’t clutter that gift with so many others that the important gift becomes lost in the fray.

  • Holiday Family Angst

    It’s that time of year again when most of us consider the trek home to join the family fun. For many, it’s a trip into dysfunction, raising anxiety levels. Family get-togethers can create holiday angst–a gift worth not giving!

    Most of my therapy discussion this time of year centers on helping people prepare for family get-togethers. My first piece of advice is this: do not idealize family relations. Unless you’ve all been in intensive therapy for a while, the family dance is not that different from years passed. Grandpa will still drink too much. Aunt Mary will be critical of the turkey. And Uncle Bob will be as obnoxious as ever. If you approach your family problems realistically, you can better prepare your reactions.

    Here are tips to prepare for holiday family encounters:

    1) Focus on your reaction. It is the only thing you can control. If you want change then don’t react the same way. For example, if Uncle Jim corners you ever year and lambastes you for your political views and you respond with anger that leads to a fight, try a new response like this, “Uncle Jim, I can see you feel strongly about your views. That’s great!” Don’t argue. Drop it and diffuse him.

    2) Ahead of the visit, identify the family patterns that usually cause you stress. Think of new ways to react to those patterns. For example, mom complains about your sister to you. Instead of talking with her about your sister like you usually do, say, “Mom you need to talk to my sister about this. I don’t want to be in the middle.” Keep redirecting her back to your sister no matter how enticing she makes the conversation. Get out of the middle of conflict. This is called being in a family triangle. You don’t want to be there!

    3) Set limits if there are serious family problems. For example, if there is a history of abuse, be clear about boundaries. Or if drinking gets out of hand, leave. You are not a child anymore. You can set appropriate boundaries. If they are crossed, confront the behavior and if necessary leave.

    4) Stay near by and not in your parents’ house. This is a strategy that has worked for many of my clients. You have more control when you can come and go. And you have time away to regroup and think about what is happening.

    5) Be a model of grace and forgiveness. If you are a Christian, you may have to extend both several times during a visit. This doesn’t mean you allow people to walk all over you. It means when people treat you poorly, address it, extend grace and forgive. Don’t wait for them to do so first.

    6) Finally, choose one thing you will do differently this year that will help make things better. Don’t try to change everything at once. Focus on one behavior. Small changes add up through the years.