Category: Single Living Help

“Hey, compared to the movies, I’m nice!”

Dr Linda Helps – “I was married before so it’s unrealistic to expect me not to have sex.”

“Everyone in the singles group sleeps around.”

“I’m 40 years old and just want to be bad for awhile.”

“I’m so inexperienced, it will be a problem.”

“Surely God doesn’t expect me to go through life without sex.”

“Sexual sin is not unforgivable.”

“God made me sexual. It would be a cruel joke not to act on it.”

“Is it realistic to be a virgin?”

“We did everything but intercourse. I think that’s OK.”

“We had oral sex. That doesn’t count.”

“I know it’s wrong but…”

“If you love someone sex is OK.”

Raise your hand if you identify with any of these comments. They come from Christian singles. OK put your hand down and let’s talk. Many Christian singles (and married people for that matter) have lowered their sexual standards. They have allowed the thinking of the culture to seep into the church and their personal lives. As a result, sin gets redefined.

Don’t compare your sexual behavior to that of Jerry Springer’s guests, soap opera stars, FRIENDS (TV or the real deal), your neighbors or your boss. Because if you do, you‘ll look like an angel.
You need to compare your behavior to the Word of God. What does the Bible say about sex outside of marriage? It says don’t do it. We’ve got standards to uphold regardless of how out of date they may appear.

God didn’t give us these standards to punish us or make us suffer. He created sex and is fully aware of the oneness of union that happens when two people become sexually involved. He knows that the oneness operates best in the context of marriage.

Now I realize staying sexually pure is a tough thing to do in today’s climate. You are bombarded by sexual images and temptations daily. The amount of sexual material that you encounter just living your life gives new meaning to the idea of guarding your thoughts. It is an incredibly difficult task to guard your heart and mind.

So prepare yourself to resist temptation. God wouldn’t ask you to do something and then not equip you to do it. It’s a tough assignment in today’s market to live up to biblical standards, but it’s not impossible.

What do I look for when choosing a spouse? Romance, similar values, opposite personality?

Dr Linda Helps – Dr. Linda: Among the many things to consider, start with these basics.

In America, we marry someone we love and have compatibility. Romantic love, as we know it, has three dimensions–commitment, intimacy and passion (Sternberg, 1986). Commitment involves the willingness of the self to give to the other and be faithful to the relationship. Christians should look for more than commitment because holy marriage is based on covenant. Covenant is an unbreakable promise made to another for life. Find a potential partner who believes in covenant.

Intimacy refers to the ability to connect emotionally and in friendship with another. Does your partner show evidence of this capacity? Intimacy should progressively grow in a relationship. That intimacy should be spiritual, emotional, psychological and behavioral. If you see signs of intimacy problems, get help or break off the relationship.

Passion relates to attraction and sexual response. You should feel attracted to the person you marry. Attraction grows as you come to appreciate the other for more than just their appearance. Sexual passion is desired as well. But because you are to exercise self-control in sexual exploration, you might wonder about passion. If you have attraction going, and other parts of the relationship are strong, there should be no trouble with sexual passion when the right moment presents.

Before a couple marries, an equal amount of these three dimensions should be present. Pay attention to these areas. If they are missing or problematic, rethink the relationship or start couple counseling.

Similar backgrounds in terms of class, education, occupation, age, race, politics, religion, etc., attract. This doesn’t mean that every dimension of your life must be the same as your partner’s- -that’s called boring or maybe cloning! It does mean that the more similar you are on the big issues of life, the less conflict and stress you will face.

For example, you might marry someone of another ethnic group. You may have a great relationship but you will face the prejudices of others. This puts stress on the relationship. Couples vary in their abilities to handle stress and differences. Be aware that the less similar you are, the more potential there is for conflict. Conflict isn’t a relationship killer. How you handle conflict and cope with conflict is key.

Occasionally, opposites do find each other but studies show that opposite attraction is usually related to personality factors not values. Overall, we tend to look for someone similar to us in values and who has qualities we desire — attractive, similar interests, humorous, empathetic, adaptable, flexible, can communicate, can delay gratification, has a good self-image, etc.

While you may think finding the above is a dream list and that no such person exists, it’s important to look for these things prior to marriage. If you do, you’ll begin marriage on a much happier note.

Being single is not a diseased state. It can be a desired state.

Dr Linda Helps – ——————————————————————————————————-
CLASSIFIED AD
CSF,NS (Christian single female, non smoker) seeking church affiliation. Strong professional/career skills. Multitalented, business acumen, organizational abilities, persuasive speaker, compassion for people. Will participate in nursery duty and food services but prefers nontraditional roles. Currently not a wife nor mother but used of God. Looking for ministry opportunities that utilize my unique gifts. Interested? Don’t ask me to baby sit or fix me up with your friends. Want contemporary thinker who understands singles. Serious replies only.
———————————————————————————————————
How many of you would like to take out an advertisement like this and announce to the world (and the body of Christ) that being single is NOT a diseased state. If you do, you are not alone. Join with others who are tired of being asked to baby sit and have people assume they have no life. It’s time for the church to recognize that being single describes one part of who you are. It simply gives your marital status.

In fact, being single has its advantages over being married when it comes to serving God. Paul comments on this in 1 Corinthians 7:34, 35. He says singles are better able to serve the Lord without distraction. Specifically he says the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord. She should be holy in body and spirit. In contrast, the married woman cares about things of the world. His point here is that the single person is in covenant with God and can devote herself to the work of the Lord.

The most important person who ever lived, Jesus, was single. He was focused on doing the work of the Father. Jesus had little time to be distracted by family. Paul, and a host of others whose mission was to spread the gospel, never married. So why do we pathologize this state of being in the church?

The single person has great freedom to devote his/herself to the work of God because he/she is less caught up with cares of family and spouse. You may be called to be single permanently or for a time in order to accomplish what God has for you. Never think of your status as less than others. It’s time for the church to wake up and acknowledge the significant contribution you bring to the table.
Being single isn’t a diseased state. It can be a desired state. Know what God has called you to do and go about accomplishing it. Worry less about your marital status and more about being used of God. His promise is to supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.

Pay attention to those who love and care about you when choosing a mate.

Dr Linda Helps – Pay attention to the people who love and care about you when it comes to selecting a mate. For example, my parents (two people I consider to be relatively healthy) had opinions concerning my future partner. They had a perspective I valued as they watched me interact with men. At the point of marriage, they knew me better than anyone else. They also felt somewhat protective of their daughter.

There were men I dated that my mother felt were not compatible with me. She didn’t meddle but did share her observations. This was helpful because she only reinforced what I already sensed. My father also had opinions and commented on things he felt were important about men. My parents’ input didn’t determine my decision but I certainly found it valuable.

It’s important to pray, read your Bible and seek God when you consider marrying someone. If you ask God to speak to you about the person, He will. You have to spend time in prayer about this decision. Don’t think God isn’t interested. He is. If His eye is on the sparrows, He’s watching you! He knows the seriousness of the covenant and He wants you to get it right. But you’ve got to go to Him, ask and listen.

Clients often tell me they felt “a check in their spirits” about a potential mate. Or they feel the still small voice is prompting them to end a relationship. Don’t ignore those spiritual warnings. When you pray about a specific marriage partner, the answer may not always be a green light.

In addition, you should talk to your friends and listen to those who share your faith. They can help you think through important issues. If you are not defensive and truly open to the feedback of others, they can point to areas of concern. Deal with these areas prior to a making a commitment. You are in la la land if you think problems will magically disappear after the wedding. People often marry and say they knew they made a mistake on the honeymoon! What happened after the wedding wasn’t a surprise because signs were present during the engagement.

Your pastor/priest/rabbi should be involved in the decision to marry. He/she is your spiritual authority and can challenge you as a couple regarding your commitment and compatibility. Premarital counseling is effective with many couples. There are inventories like PREPARE (Olson, Fournier, & Druckman, 1986) that identify areas of relational strengths and potential problems that predict marital dissatisfaction. If you’ve got access to these inventories, use then. They can highlight areas of potential pitfalls. You may also learn things about your partner you didn’t know.

Obviously there is much to consider when choosing a spouse. That’s why it is so important to take your time, get to know the person and watch how he/she handles life under a number of circumstances. Seeing someone function over time is very helpful. That’s why quick courtships are dangerous – anyone can be on best behavior for a short period. Don’t minimize a concern you see while dating. Bring it up and deal with it directly. If you can’t do this while dating, it won’t get easier when you are married.