Dr. Linda Mintle

Category: Stress Help

  • Anger in the Friendly Skies

    It doesn’t matter what major city you drive in, road rage is a disturbing reality on American highways. So forget driving. Get on a plane and fly to your next destination. In the air you are far away from the crazy drivers who take their anger out on unsuspecting motorists, right? Wrong. The friendly skies are not so friendly these days.

    Take the word of my neighbor pilot. His reports of flaring sky -high tempers are becoming more frequent. His latest high adventure involved a frequent flying passenger who decided nobody could tell her what to do.

    Armed with a platinum frequent flyer card and a first class seat, a businesswoman boarded the airplane. When the flight attendant told her to move her bag out of the overhead compartment, she refused. The flight attendant calmly explained that the compartment was broken and storing anything inside was against FAA regulations.

    The businesswoman was infuriated. How dare this young attendant tell her to move her things. As a platinum flyer, no one bossed her around.  She loudly proclaimed her privileged status by swearing, yelling and demeaning the attendant.

    My neighbor, the pilot, heard the ruckus. Opening the door of the cockpit, he told the woman to calm down and move her stuff. The businesswoman started in on the pilot and eventually took a swing at him. Hours later, after the police escorted the woman off the plane, the airplane finally took off. After watching this TV-like drama unfold, the passengers missed their connections and were hours delayed hours. Why? Because one woman felt she was entitled to do things her way and not follow the rules.

    The point of this unsettling story is that people lose their tempers over the most insignificant things and feel entitled to do so.  Entitlement is a source of anger. We’ve become a society of people who lash out at others when someone or something annoys us. The popular culture gives permission and encourages this.

    Professional athletes are allowed bad behavior because they are special and physically gifted. Actors can lash out, break the law because they entertain us and make a lot of money. People with power and influence can bend the rules to their advantage because they are movers and shakers. Entitlement is all around us. We watch it and learn moral lessons from it. So is it any wonder that someone flies off the handle when her pricey first class seat is disturbed?

    Entitlement is not a godly concept. We aren’t entitled to anything, but because Christ died for us, we can have everything we need. This is a fact that should humble us, not entitle us. There is no place for anger entitlement in the life of a Christian. Yes, we get mad at people and things like everybody else but our response should be different. We are to practice self-control and restraint.

    The next time you are tempted to angrily “let someone have it” because you feel entitled, think about the message you send. Ask yourself if your response is Christ-like. And please, don’t get on my airplane!

  • Coping WIth Stress

    Successful coping with stress involves using the resources you have. First, identify your resources. What do you have available to help you (think about tangible things–support, money, time, power, status, influence- -and those more internal things like faith in God, confidence, patience, prayer, etc.)? How will you use what’s available? What strengths do you have that will help the situation? This varies from person to person.

    Second, use a coping strategy. Basically there are two major coping strategies: 1) Take direct action to change the stressful situation 2) Rethink the situation. Usually this involves coming to terms with the positive side of stress- -what can you learn and how can you grow? A combination of both strategies can be used as well.

    Here’s an example. Debbie was constantly mad at the critical nature of her stepfather. Debbie was an adult living at home with her mother when her mother remarried. Debbie never liked the stepfather because he rarely had a kind word. Most of his comments were critical and demeaning. Debbie was stressed living at home. She couldn’t stand the stepfather’s constant complaints.

    Debbie could do a number of things based on the strategies above. She could directly talk to her stepfather about his behavior. She didn’t think this would change things. She could move out. After all, she was an adult and her mother made the choice to marry this guy. If Debbie didn’t like his behavior, she could get her own place.

    The situation actually prompted Debbie to rethink her growing dependency on mom. While she wasn’t fond of the new step-dad, his presence made her realize her need for more independence.

    In Debbie’s case, she acted (moved out), and chose to rethink her situation (she needed more independence). She chose not to let the stress continue to build. Instead she made changes and used her resources to move out.

    Most people learn coping strategies from their families. They watch how family members handle times of stress and model their behavior. The good news is that with help, you can learn new ways to cope. If you have seen dysfunctional coping styles among your family, you are not destined to do the same. Just recognize that those strategies don’t work, and new behavior and thinking is needed.

  • Addicted to Work?

    If you work to avoid negative emotional states such as anxiety and depression, perhaps work has taken on an addictive quality.

    In a state of frustration, Rachel recounted her life. “It’s like I married my alcoholic father. Not a day goes by in which my husband spends less than 12 hours on some assignment related to work. When we vacation, he says he wants to rest but I always find him secretly working on his lap top. At night, he steals away to the quiet of his at-home office until wee hours of the morning. After a few hours of sleep, he’s up and traveling to the real office job. I don’t see him until 8:00 pm. By then the kids are in bed. He grabs a bite to eat and the cycle starts all over again. There is something terribly wrong here. Can a person be addicted to work?”

    In the same way a drug addict uses pot or an alcoholic downs booze, work can have an anesthetizing effect on negative emotions. Yes, people do use work to escape and avoid unpleasant emotional states. But because hard work is so sanctioned in our society, it is an addiction often minimized. But the fall out for the family can be just as devastating.

    Our once sacred days of rest have vanished as malls and superstores stay open during Shabbot and Sundays. Technology invades our home life. Solicitors assault us during the dinner hour. And the boundary between work and home is blurred by pagers, faxes, cell phones and computers. This instant communiqué turns our play to work and our home fronts to alternate work sites.

    Workaholism is real. But how do you know if you are simply a hard worker or a workaholic? Ask yourself these questions:

    · Do you view work as a haven rather than a necessity or obligation?

    · Does work obliterate all other areas of your life?

    · Can you make the transition from the office to the Little League game without guilt and constant thinking of what you        need to do?

    · Do you have work scattered all over your home?

    · Do you regularly break commitments to family and friends because of deadlines and work commitments?

    · Do you get an adrenaline rush from meeting impossible deadlines?

    · Are you preoccupied with work no matter what you do?

    · Do you work long after your co-workers are finished?

    If your answers are “Yes” to most of these questions, it’s time to reevaluate your love for work and cut back. Workaholism can bring emotional estrangement and withdrawal in your relationships. In the worse case, it can even lead to separation and divorce.

    Children of workaholics learn they are valued for their achievements and often lack parent attention. They have high levels of depression and tend to take on parenting roles similar to those in alcoholic homes.

    If you think you may be a workaholic, acknowledge the problem. Then, begin making small changes that limit work hours. Pay attention to other parts of life like your family, spirituality, play, friends, etc. Vow to spend more time doing other things and do them. Talk to your family about balance and determine ways to be more involved. Turn off electronics when you come home and be unavailable for certain hours of the day. Leave the office at a reasonable time even if your work isn’t perfect or completely finished.

    Don’t downplay the negative effects workaholism plays in your life. Even though you may be rewarded at the work place for your obsessive efforts, your family needs you, not more work. And as the well-known saying goes, “I’ve never met a dying person who regretted not spending more time at the office!”

  • Stressed? Take a Deep Breath and Relax!

    If you, like millions of Americans, feel stressed out and in need of a long vacation you can’t afford to take, don’t sweat it. There is a lot you can do to de-stress yourself.  Keep in mind that the opposite of tension and stress is relaxation. Relaxation comes in many forms. Sometimes it has to be learned and practiced.

    For example, if you grew up in a home with an alcoholic or abusive parent you may not even realize that your body has carried physically tension for years. Alcoholic/abusive parents can create uptight kids. Kids never know when the alcoholic/abuser will be available, angry, critical, physical, kind or calm. This unpredictable pattern creates a tense child–always waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. Tension becomes a learned state of living. Many of these adult children       need to teach their bodies how to relax.

    Let’s begin with an easy way to learn to relax. Before you begin, try to rate the level of tension in your body from zero (no tension– you are probably dead) to 100 (this much tension will kill you).

    Take deep breaths – When you are tense, breathing often becomes short and rapid. It tends to originate in the chest. Some people even hyperventilate which can lead to panic. Breathing should come from the abdomen, not the chest. If you are unsure, place your hand on your abdomen, take a breath and see if your hand moves. If you don’t feel an in and out motion, chances are you are breathing from your chest and throat.

    When you concentrate on taking deep, slow breathes, you supply more oxygen to the brain and muscle system. You stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms you. Taking deep breaths can help you clear your mind. Try to concentrate on your body. Try to inhale slowly through the nose and let the air go down low. Pause and slowly exhale through your nose or mouth.

    Do this over and over, about 10 times. When you practice deep breathing three or four times a day, you will catch yourself breathing incorrectly and teach your body to breathe correctly. The good thing about this form of relaxation is that it is free, easy to do and can be done anywhere. You can be in the middle of a crowd, start feeling tense and take a number of deep slow breaths to calm down. Or you can be alone in the house and practice.

    After you have practiced this exercise a few times, rate the level of tension in your body again on that 0-100 scale. The number should be lower. If not, you need more practice. The more often you sense stress in your body, the more you can apply this technique. So next time you feel tension creeping into your body, take a deep breath and relax!

  • Stressed Out? Speak Up!

    “Sure I’ll cook for the spaghetti dinner.” “Yes I can baby-sit your children for the day.” “Yes, I can chair another committee.” “Since no one else will volunteer, I guess I’ll do it.” Do you ever find yourself saying these things and then realize you’ve taken on too much? You’ve committed to doing more than you can realistically handle. As a result, you are stressed and kicking yourself for not saying no.

    Too many of us take on too much because we don’t say “No”; we are afraid to speak up; don’t feel we have the right; need to please others; want to be loved for what we do; or think we have to be superwoman and do it all! Time to turn in your cape! Learn to say “No” and not feel guilty. You’ll reduce the stress in your life.

    Saying “No” to things requires assertiveness. Assertiveness is behavior that falls somewhere in the middle of giving in and aggressiveness. It is not giving in to the wants of others or keeping silent and expecting people to read your mind. It is also not yelling at people and demanding your way. It is a practiced skill that helps you manage stress. Contrary to popular thought, you don’t have to be angry to be assertive. In fact, I prefer you stay calm.

    There are two parts involved in being assertive: 1) know what you want 2) say it.  One of the reasons we don’t practice being assertive is because we don’t know what we want. We are wishy washy, unsure, and undefined. We allow others to manipulate us in to doing things and then feel resentful because we have too much to do. Or we feel guilty and don’t believe we have the right to speak up. We ask, “Who am I to say no?”

    You are someone important. You are also responsible for managing stress that comes your way. When you can do something about stress, take the initiative-speak up!  Know what you want and take a reasonable position. Do not feel guilty setting limits. Reduce stress by taking control where and when you can.

    Speak up and let your voice be heard. When you address problems as they occur, you won’t build up anger and hold on to things that can grow into resentment. Often times, this is the root of depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Many of my female patients have to be taught how to be assertive because it is a skill they never learned. It is also something that has to be practiced.

    The benefits from speaking up are improved physical and psychological health. Your relationships will improve and you will better manage stress. In addition, you will gain respect from people. They may not like your stance, but they will respect you for taking one.