Dr. Linda Mintle

Tag: children of divorce

  • Parent Coordinators for Divorced Families

    The judicial system has tried for years to help high conflict families resolve problems around divorce. Families with abuse, drug usage, alienation, blocked access to visitation and other inappropriate and dangerous behaviors usually need extra monitoring. The courts have struggled to find effective ways to help these difficult families.

    Currently there are judges, custody evaluators, guardians, divorce mediators, parent educators, counselors and more who try to see to it that the best interests of the children are being promoted when divorce happens. Even with this army of enforcers and helpers, some divorced parents slip through the cracks. As a result, the children suffer.

    Most professionals involved with a family lack the authority, access or clinical skills needed to be effective. For example, a judge can order parents to therapy, but parents can drop out as soon as they hear something they don’t like. Mediation can break down. Guardians have some authority but since they are typically lawyers, they have few clinical skills to deal with problematic families.

    In an effort to prevent more divorced couples from litigating when problems arise, another  professional has been added to the legal mix. They are called Parent Coordinators. Parent Coordinators are typically specialized therapists who are given limited authority by the court to intervene with high conflict families. They can be assigned to a family before or after divorce, or years later if a family litigates again. Unlike guardians, they are available to a family for years.

    The basic goal of a Parent Coordinator is to make sure court orders are enforced and parents have a workable parenting plan. Parents are assigned a Coordinator for six months to a year and can call on the Coordinator any time a parenting issue resurfaces. If a divorced parent decides to take more legal action, he/she must have at least two joint sessions with the Parent Coordinator prior to the action.

    Parent Coordinators are usually trained therapists (often marriage and family therapists) but they do not do psychotherapy. Since their services are court ordered, parents must comply and work on problems. Parent Coordinators teach conflict resolution skills, look for ways to reduce child stress and make sure parents have access to their children. All of this is written in a specific document called a Parenting Plan.

    In addition, Parent Coordinators can recommend services such as drug screens, parenting classes, therapy and more. They can modify visitation and charge parents for “no shows” or coming late to appointments.

    The use of Parent Coordinators is a growing trend. Several states have employed these professionals with the hope that high conflict families can be educated, more effectively monitored, mediated without using court time, and compliant to court orders.

  • Help Your Kids by Resolving Conflict

    Brian isn’t doing too well with his parents’ divorce. Lately he’s showing more aggressive behavior. His divorced parents, Sam and Sue, are concerned about his behavior and seek help. The therapist tells them that their unresolved conflict is causing Brian problems. They have difficulty talking about their son without blaming and fighting each other. They can’t parent because they are too busy demolishing each others character.

    Divorce didn’t solve their conflicts and Brian is still caught in the crossfire of two people who haven’t learned be civil to one another despite their differences. Brian’s behavior is a response to their constant fighting.

    Most of you are concerned about the effects of divorce, separation and remarriage on the adjustment of your children. You want to do whatever possible to help them adjust. You already feel guilty about putting children through the ordeal of divorce.

    A good place to start is to reduce the conflict between you and your ex-spouse. I know you are thinking, “ If I could do this, I wouldn’t be divorced!” Possibly, but you still have to work on it for the sake of your kids.

    So how do you work on conflict reduction with a difficult parent partner? First, you both agree that your unresolved feelings for each other must get resolved. If this means you need to see someone in therapy, do it. Your child’s adjustment is at stake.

    The surprise for many couples is that divorce didn’t make all those negative feelings go away. The feelings stayed. You just left. Conflict between you and your ex must be resolved because it affects your ability to parent. It is very difficult to make rational decisions concerning your child when you feel negatively towards your ex-spouse. It is no secret that parents unconsciously fight with each other through their kids despite knowing they shouldn’t do this.

    My suggestion: Work in therapy with a marital therapist who will help you exercise grace and forgiveness towards your ex. It’s time to bury the multiple hatchets. It doesn’t matter how wrong you’ve been treated. God tells us to forgive and let go. He forgives you when you don’t deserve it. Now do the same with your ex.

    Remind yourself that no matter how you feel about your ex, he/she is your child’s parent. That fact doesn’t change. Help your child see you can have positive exchanges around parenting issues.  It will help build positive feelings in the child as well.

    Always keep in mind that you are doing this to please God and help your children. Your walk with the Lord is of utmost importance. If you hold on to old stuff, you’ll create roadblocks in your intimate relationship with God and others.

    Humility is often needed. Putting your needs aside for the sake of your children may require sacrifice. With God’s help, you can do it.

  • Divorce and Family Vacations

    Summer and holidays can be a time of challenge for children of divorce. It may be unsettling for a child to vacation with a non-custodial parent. From the child’s point of view, he/she will be in strange places, with strange people, with a parent less familiar with daily habits and needs. This may create some fear and anxiety about the vacation time.

    So if you are a non-custodial parent planning a vacation with your child, or you have custody and are wondering how to prepare your child to be with the non-custodial parent, here are some suggestions to make your child feel more comfortable.

    #1–You and the non-custodial parent make vacation plans for your child together. As incredible as this sounds, it will be easier on your child if you both work together. Arrangements should be made in advance and agreed upon.

    #2–The itinerary for the trip must be shared. The custodial parent needs to know where the child will be–phone numbers and addresses. I know some non-custodial parents resist this idea but in case of an emergency, the custodial parent needs to know how to find his/her child.

    #3–Send copies of important medical information on the trip. The non-custodial parent needs to know how to handle a medical emergency or problem and have the pediatrician’s phone number, insurance information and medical records.

    #4–Be careful not to put guilt on your child. Your child should never be made to feel guilty because he/she is going on vacation with the other parent.

    #5–Work out any disagreements about the vacation away from the child before the vacation. Don’t put your child in the middle of disagreements between you and your ex.

    #6–Plan for separation anxiety. Send a photo with your child. Include his/her favorite blanket, pillow, animal or toy. Discuss ways to communicate–email, telephone, post cards or letters.

    #7–Be positive about the vacation. Talk nicely about the non-custodial parent and help your child anticipate a great time.

    #8–Normalize fears and anxiety. Tell your child it’s normal to feel a little anxious. Hopefully, that anxiety will fade as the trip progresses.

    #9–Send a camera and smile at the time of pick-up. Now is not the time to bring up unresolved issues with your ex.

    #10–Pray. Keep the non-custodial parent and the vacation on your prayer list. Pray for protection and positive interactions between parent and child.