Dr. Linda Mintle

Tag: divorce

  • Does Divorce Make My Child Irritable at Holidays?

    A reader asks: Instead of being happy about the holidays, my 11 year old seems irritable and tired and doesn’t want to talk about Christmas. His dad and I divorced this summer and I am a single parent. Is this why he is so sullen?

     

    For kids, holidays can be a reminder of what has changed and is different. Since this will be your first Christmas with a new family structure, he is mostly likely thinking about how different the holidays will be. And he may be upset that his family is no longer intact.

    So in order to help him with the changes this holiday season, do the following:

    1) Plan ahead for the Christmas break and let him know what those plans will be. Where will he be on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how will presents be handled, the family meal, etc.?

    2) Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If you don’t know how something will play out, let him know but tell him you are working on finalizing plans and will keep him in the loop.

    3) Don’t let guilt rule your decisions. Be careful not to buy more presents or succumb to negative behavior because of family changes. Give your son your time and attention and address issues as they arise.

    4) Maintain as many family traditions as possible. Change, whether good or bad, is stressful so keep what you can the same. However, you can also develop new traditions.

    5) Finally, coordinate gift giving so that one parent doesn’t overload or duplicate the other. Involve grandparents when possible and try to bring a little peace to a stressful time.

  • Divorce Puts You At Risk for Illness

    Divorce is a traumatic event that no one enjoys experiencing. As a life stressor, divorce ranks number two, and martial separation ranks number three on the well-known Holmes and Rahe (1967) stress scale. Only death of a spouse ranks higher.

    Because the process of divorce is such a stressful transition time, you need to be aware of the effects it can have on your emotional and physical functioning. Marital separation is the most powerful predictor of emotional and physical illness. When you compare divorced adults to married adults, the health news is generally not good.

    Divorced adults are:

    · More susceptible to emotional and psychological problems

    · More likely to experience early death from a number of causes. For example, the death rate related to pneumonia is seven times higher among divorced versus married men.

    · Four times more likely to commit suicide if they are white and male

    · More likely to experience early health problems (especially men)

    · Ten times more likely to utilize inpatient or outpatient psychiatric services if they are male, and five times more likely if they are female

    So what do all these less than cheery statistics tell us? Pay attention to your physical and mental health if you are involved in a marital separation or divorce. You may want to join a support group or see a counselor to help you manage stress. Know the dangers to your physical and emotional functioning so you can prevent yourself from becoming one of the statistics. It is possible to come through the divorce process with a clearer sense of self and deeper reliance on God.

    Divorce is a transitional crisis that needs to be managed. It interrupts your family life cycle and often throws family members into chaos and turmoil for a period of time, usually up to three years. Emotional upheaval comes and goes. The challenge is finding a way to reorganize a disrupted family system. Key issues emerge depending on the phase of family development at which the divorce occurs (married, no children, preschool children, high school children, empty nesters, etc.).

    Just because divorce is common, don’t downplay the tremendous stress involved. This is a time to pay attention to your physical body and take inventory on how well you are coping with the stress involved. Don’t be afraid to talk with others and get professional help.

    Statistics taken from Brian Willats’ Breaking up is easy to do, available from the Michigan Family Forum.

  • Parent Coordinators for Divorced Families

    The judicial system has tried for years to help high conflict families resolve problems around divorce. Families with abuse, drug usage, alienation, blocked access to visitation and other inappropriate and dangerous behaviors usually need extra monitoring. The courts have struggled to find effective ways to help these difficult families.

    Currently there are judges, custody evaluators, guardians, divorce mediators, parent educators, counselors and more who try to see to it that the best interests of the children are being promoted when divorce happens. Even with this army of enforcers and helpers, some divorced parents slip through the cracks. As a result, the children suffer.

    Most professionals involved with a family lack the authority, access or clinical skills needed to be effective. For example, a judge can order parents to therapy, but parents can drop out as soon as they hear something they don’t like. Mediation can break down. Guardians have some authority but since they are typically lawyers, they have few clinical skills to deal with problematic families.

    In an effort to prevent more divorced couples from litigating when problems arise, another  professional has been added to the legal mix. They are called Parent Coordinators. Parent Coordinators are typically specialized therapists who are given limited authority by the court to intervene with high conflict families. They can be assigned to a family before or after divorce, or years later if a family litigates again. Unlike guardians, they are available to a family for years.

    The basic goal of a Parent Coordinator is to make sure court orders are enforced and parents have a workable parenting plan. Parents are assigned a Coordinator for six months to a year and can call on the Coordinator any time a parenting issue resurfaces. If a divorced parent decides to take more legal action, he/she must have at least two joint sessions with the Parent Coordinator prior to the action.

    Parent Coordinators are usually trained therapists (often marriage and family therapists) but they do not do psychotherapy. Since their services are court ordered, parents must comply and work on problems. Parent Coordinators teach conflict resolution skills, look for ways to reduce child stress and make sure parents have access to their children. All of this is written in a specific document called a Parenting Plan.

    In addition, Parent Coordinators can recommend services such as drug screens, parenting classes, therapy and more. They can modify visitation and charge parents for “no shows” or coming late to appointments.

    The use of Parent Coordinators is a growing trend. Several states have employed these professionals with the hope that high conflict families can be educated, more effectively monitored, mediated without using court time, and compliant to court orders.

  • Divorce: When The Odds Are Against You

    Mary looked at me and said, “There is no way I can face my husband in court. Since he filed for divorce, he holds all the power. He’s got more money, better attorneys and people willing to lie for him. He has maligned me unfairly and is now accusing me of things that are untrue. He is the one having an affair and left me. Why do I feel like I’m going to lose it all?”

    I reminded Mary of the story of David and Goliath-remember, bigger army, better battle gear, bigger guy who mocked and taunted the Israelites. It’s not just a story for kids. Goliath was a formidable enemy. David should have been minced meat. But he wasn’t. Why did David beat the giant? God was on His side.

    In II Kings 6, the great Syrian army surrounded the city of Elisha. When Elisha’s servant saw all the horses and chariots waiting to strike at them, he asked Elisha what they should do. Elisha’s response was, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them” (NKJV). Elisha saw the enemy, but knew God was on His side. He prayed for his young servant to open his eyes and see the horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha on the mountain.

    When you face a difficult situation like Mary, open your eyes to the fact that God is with you. His promise is to be on your side no matter who or what comes against you. God has given angels charge over you. Believe that God is present and on your side. If He is for us, no one can be against us.

    Mary’s challenge was to stay Godly in her response to her husband. In the natural she wanted to get revenge, expose his lies and ruin his reputation. She had every right.  But she chose the armor of God instead of the ways of the world. Instead of anger, revenge and ruin, she chose peace, righteousness, faith and the Word. She knew God would help her even though the odds were against her. She prayed. When she went into court that day, she pictured the angels keeping charge over her. She believed God would be her avenger and that justice would be served.

    You can operate in the same confidence as Mary. Be encouraged-God is on your side and will fight your battles for you. Go to him when you feel overwhelmed and need victory. Stand firm on His Word and believe He is there, ready to fight for you.

  • Sources of Single Parent Stress

    Single parent families are more common today than intact nuclear families. Therefore, we need to be more in tune with the issues single parents face. A father, mother, grandparent, aunt, uncle or other family member can head these families.

    No matter who parents, all single parents face similar stress. In order to better support single parents, sources of stress should be identified. Support is a buffer against stress and can be offered by other parents, friends, churches and family members.

    So what are the unique challenges of being a single parent?

    · Single parents have no other parent to act as a buffer—someone to take the kids for a few hours, share discipline or talk through a difficult situation.

    One women recently shared her frustration of trying to help her four-year-old daughter deal with a soccer coach. The child felt the coach was mean. After a long day of carting children to sports activities and not being able to attend the daughter’s complete game, the mom didn’t know if her child was overreacting because she missed her dad, or whether the coach really was a problem. When married, the husband handled coaches. Exhausted from the day, unsure of what her daughter needed, she longed for someone to talk to about the coach or just take care of the situation. It was a small thing, but felt big at the end of a full day.

    · Single parents are solely responsible for the household. Some single parents carry the entire financial burden, others have to contend with partial or late payments, and still others deal with a lower standard of living because of dual child-rearing households. Single parents do it all–pay the bills, stay home for the cable guy, work on the car, help with homework, baths, whatever it takes to keep the household running. They are responsible for making sure everything works.

    · Single parents deal with on-going custody and visitation issues. The amount of stress in this area ranges from virtual none to severe depending on how cooperative parents are about these issues post divorce.

    · Parental conflict can continue long after a divorce. Couples are forced to work together for the good of their children. Some do a better job than others.

    · Because of work and household demands, there is usually less time for single parents to spend with children.

    · Single parents have to deal with the aftermath of divorce as it affects school performance and peer relationships.

    · Extended family relationships are disrupted because of divorce, and single parents must figure out how and if these relationships will continue.

    · Single parents have to contend with dating and new relationships. This can create problems if children are not ready to embrace new people into the family system.

    This list only touches on some of the issues single parents regularly face. It is easy for single parents to become overwhelmed because of all that is needed and expected. Single parents don’t want your pity or judgment. But can use your support. Pray for single parents, that God will give them the grace and strength to handle all that is before them.  Then offer your support in a tangible way—give them a few hours break, be available to talk, carpool kids, etc. A little help goes a long way.