Dr. Linda Mintle

Tag: fighting

  • Divorce: When The Odds Are Against You

    Mary looked at me and said, “There is no way I can face my husband in court. Since he filed for divorce, he holds all the power. He’s got more money, better attorneys and people willing to lie for him. He has maligned me unfairly and is now accusing me of things that are untrue. He is the one having an affair and left me. Why do I feel like I’m going to lose it all?”

    I reminded Mary of the story of David and Goliath-remember, bigger army, better battle gear, bigger guy who mocked and taunted the Israelites. It’s not just a story for kids. Goliath was a formidable enemy. David should have been minced meat. But he wasn’t. Why did David beat the giant? God was on His side.

    In II Kings 6, the great Syrian army surrounded the city of Elisha. When Elisha’s servant saw all the horses and chariots waiting to strike at them, he asked Elisha what they should do. Elisha’s response was, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them” (NKJV). Elisha saw the enemy, but knew God was on His side. He prayed for his young servant to open his eyes and see the horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha on the mountain.

    When you face a difficult situation like Mary, open your eyes to the fact that God is with you. His promise is to be on your side no matter who or what comes against you. God has given angels charge over you. Believe that God is present and on your side. If He is for us, no one can be against us.

    Mary’s challenge was to stay Godly in her response to her husband. In the natural she wanted to get revenge, expose his lies and ruin his reputation. She had every right.  But she chose the armor of God instead of the ways of the world. Instead of anger, revenge and ruin, she chose peace, righteousness, faith and the Word. She knew God would help her even though the odds were against her. She prayed. When she went into court that day, she pictured the angels keeping charge over her. She believed God would be her avenger and that justice would be served.

    You can operate in the same confidence as Mary. Be encouraged-God is on your side and will fight your battles for you. Go to him when you feel overwhelmed and need victory. Stand firm on His Word and believe He is there, ready to fight for you.

  • Help Your Kids by Resolving Conflict

    Brian isn’t doing too well with his parents’ divorce. Lately he’s showing more aggressive behavior. His divorced parents, Sam and Sue, are concerned about his behavior and seek help. The therapist tells them that their unresolved conflict is causing Brian problems. They have difficulty talking about their son without blaming and fighting each other. They can’t parent because they are too busy demolishing each others character.

    Divorce didn’t solve their conflicts and Brian is still caught in the crossfire of two people who haven’t learned be civil to one another despite their differences. Brian’s behavior is a response to their constant fighting.

    Most of you are concerned about the effects of divorce, separation and remarriage on the adjustment of your children. You want to do whatever possible to help them adjust. You already feel guilty about putting children through the ordeal of divorce.

    A good place to start is to reduce the conflict between you and your ex-spouse. I know you are thinking, “ If I could do this, I wouldn’t be divorced!” Possibly, but you still have to work on it for the sake of your kids.

    So how do you work on conflict reduction with a difficult parent partner? First, you both agree that your unresolved feelings for each other must get resolved. If this means you need to see someone in therapy, do it. Your child’s adjustment is at stake.

    The surprise for many couples is that divorce didn’t make all those negative feelings go away. The feelings stayed. You just left. Conflict between you and your ex must be resolved because it affects your ability to parent. It is very difficult to make rational decisions concerning your child when you feel negatively towards your ex-spouse. It is no secret that parents unconsciously fight with each other through their kids despite knowing they shouldn’t do this.

    My suggestion: Work in therapy with a marital therapist who will help you exercise grace and forgiveness towards your ex. It’s time to bury the multiple hatchets. It doesn’t matter how wrong you’ve been treated. God tells us to forgive and let go. He forgives you when you don’t deserve it. Now do the same with your ex.

    Remind yourself that no matter how you feel about your ex, he/she is your child’s parent. That fact doesn’t change. Help your child see you can have positive exchanges around parenting issues.  It will help build positive feelings in the child as well.

    Always keep in mind that you are doing this to please God and help your children. Your walk with the Lord is of utmost importance. If you hold on to old stuff, you’ll create roadblocks in your intimate relationship with God and others.

    Humility is often needed. Putting your needs aside for the sake of your children may require sacrifice. With God’s help, you can do it.