Dr. Linda Mintle

Author: Dr. Linda

  • Coping WIth Stress

    Successful coping with stress involves using the resources you have. First, identify your resources. What do you have available to help you (think about tangible things–support, money, time, power, status, influence- -and those more internal things like faith in God, confidence, patience, prayer, etc.)? How will you use what’s available? What strengths do you have that will help the situation? This varies from person to person.

    Second, use a coping strategy. Basically there are two major coping strategies: 1) Take direct action to change the stressful situation 2) Rethink the situation. Usually this involves coming to terms with the positive side of stress- -what can you learn and how can you grow? A combination of both strategies can be used as well.

    Here’s an example. Debbie was constantly mad at the critical nature of her stepfather. Debbie was an adult living at home with her mother when her mother remarried. Debbie never liked the stepfather because he rarely had a kind word. Most of his comments were critical and demeaning. Debbie was stressed living at home. She couldn’t stand the stepfather’s constant complaints.

    Debbie could do a number of things based on the strategies above. She could directly talk to her stepfather about his behavior. She didn’t think this would change things. She could move out. After all, she was an adult and her mother made the choice to marry this guy. If Debbie didn’t like his behavior, she could get her own place.

    The situation actually prompted Debbie to rethink her growing dependency on mom. While she wasn’t fond of the new step-dad, his presence made her realize her need for more independence.

    In Debbie’s case, she acted (moved out), and chose to rethink her situation (she needed more independence). She chose not to let the stress continue to build. Instead she made changes and used her resources to move out.

    Most people learn coping strategies from their families. They watch how family members handle times of stress and model their behavior. The good news is that with help, you can learn new ways to cope. If you have seen dysfunctional coping styles among your family, you are not destined to do the same. Just recognize that those strategies don’t work, and new behavior and thinking is needed.

  • Do Something About Cyberbullying

    Because of the recent teen suicides reported in the news, our national attention has once again been focused on cyber-bullying. No longer do we worry about the loud mouth school bully who pushes kids in the hall and name calls. Now, the academically bright and capable kids can use cyberspace as a weapon for jealousy, envy, and shear meanness. Taunting others with text messages, Facebook slandering, and yes, throwing energy drinks in the face of hall walkers are just a few of the ways bullying now happens.

    Today’s bullies work in groups and focus their attention online. As they target specific kids, they are less overt than their predecessors and more anonymous given the cloak of cyberspace. Their methods include humiliating teens through gossip, rumor, videos, and nasty text messages. Bullying can be relentless because of 24/7 access to the Internet.

    No one really knows the direct causes of the rise of cyber-bullying but we can certainly speculate on what seems to make sense. For years, we have witnessed the loss of supervised play in schools due to budget cuts—no recess and physical education. When kids lose the opportunities to engage in structured and unstructured play, they don’t learn to get along and work out their peer-to-peer issues.

    Teens are bombarded with violence and rudeness in the media they consume. Marketing is self-focused. It is all about what you deserve, want, and must have –raising the level of entitlement and selfishness to a new high. Religious education is waning, moral standards are relative, and many parents are ignorant as to what is happening online with their teens. Add to this the unwillingness of teens to “judge” someone or report bullying behavior and you have the potential for trouble.

    The result: A culture of teens who think meanness gets you a reality TV spot; imitation of violent and inappropriate behavior often glamorized in media; and unsupervised cyber behavior that is out of control.

    How many teens will commit suicide before we wake up and realize we don’t laugh when someone teases the underdog? We stand up to the bully using “the swarm” tactic. There is strength in numbers. We don’t sit by idly when someone is bullied because we don’t want to “judge” or rat on the person. We discipline our children for rude and mean behavior when they are young and stop making excuses for them. We control adult behavior so teens don’t model entitlement and meanness. We take a zero-tolerance approach to bullying and stop justifying it as an act of passage. We write complaint letters to irresponsible media distributors. We embarrass the bullies by making the public aware and outing them. We get online and check our teen’s social media. We are willing to report problems to authorities and encourage our teens to do the same.

  • Am I Doomed to Divorce?

    If your parents divorced, are you more likely to divorce as well? Click below to listen to the podcast and learn more.

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  • Could You Give Away the Family Pet?

    I was sitting in church a few weeks ago when a guest speaker was talking about his family’s decision to give away their two small eight-year-old dogs. I could hardly listen to the story and the somewhat buried spiritual point because I couldn’t wrap my brain around giving away our family pet. When Teddy, our beloved miniature poodle, died at 16 years of age, the loss hit me hard. As the speaker continued to unfold the story of pet inconvenience, children going to college, and the lack of attention his pets were getting, I was trying hard not to judge, but to relate.

    After Teddy died, I vowed not to get another family dog. Our family was too busy and often out of the house for long periods of the day. Having teenagers, I knew I would become the default caregiver despite my teens’ intentions to do their part. Against my better judgment, I conceded to getting a puppy. A few days in to it, I realized this was not a good idea and gave our dog, Zoe, to friends who had two of her siblings. The give-away lasted only a few days. I couldn’t do it. Feeling like Judas to that sweet little creature, we retrieved our dog. No matter the inconvenience, we were committed for life.

    So I get this speaker who is trying to convince us all why his family wanted to give away their pets. But I couldn’t do it after a few days, and this family had their pets for eight years. It would be like giving away a child (two in this case)! OK, maybe not that intense. But what kind of person does this? (I’m judging again.)

    Before I could confess my sin, redemption came. The speaker admitted that his family couldn’t do it. They cried, lost sleep, and rescinded the offer. I was so relieved. Now, I could take them off my prayer list.

    Oh I know, some of you are thinking, we are talking animals here, what’s the big deal? The big deal is this: Attachment and commitment seem to be missing in our relationships (with pets or people). We find easy excuses as to why we want out or don’t want to commit.

    Call me a shrink, but anyone who can give away a family pet for reasons of inconvenience has issues with attachment and commitment. You can certainly disagree and feel free to tell me your story, but the sermon made me think of how disposable relationships are in our culture.

    When inconvenience and struggle are involved in any family relationship, are we too ready to cut the person off, get out of the marriage, or ditch our commitment? Working through the tough times of attachment and commitment are what lasting relationships require.

    The next time you are completely frustrated with that family member, who you’d like to cut off, divorce or give away, think about all creatures big and small who need your unconditional love, patience, mercy, and grace to grow in intimacy and stay committed.

    Honestly, could you give away the family pet?

     


  • Why Do I Overeat?

    Question: I know that when I overeat, I gain weight but I can’t seem to stop. I hate how I look and am embarrassed to have people see me in a bathing suit. Why do I keep overeating? I don’t want to but I do it anyway.

    Dr. Linda: First of all stop saying you can’t stop. You can. It just takes becoming a mindful eater–the subject of my book, PRESS PAUSE BEFORE YOU EAT. An eating problem is not like a drug or alcohol problem. You can’t abstain from food and you aren’t physiologically addicted when you eat. But food can become a psychological addiction.

    Let’s face it. Food is soothing and tastes good. Some people feel there is nothing better than food! It is always available, not illegal, can’t talk back, provides immediate gratification, gives pleasure, smells good, tastes good and is enjoyable.

    People overeat for many reasons. A small percentage of people have medical problems that relate to overeating and obesity. Most people, however, overeat out of emotional distress.  You may eat when you are bored, stressed, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, hurt, happy or for any other emotional reason. Food can be a way to celebrate or soothe and numb you from a bad experience.

    Many of my clients overeat when they face conflict and don’t know how to handle it. They are unassertive and swallow their upsets. They might agree to a resolution but secretly be unhappy or upset.  Their low self-esteem leads them to believe they can’t handle problems or stress. Sometimes they lack the skills necessary to do so.

    Sometimes people overeat to protect themselves from trauma. If they have been raped, sexually hurt or deeply rejected, eating may be used to cover up the wounding or ward people off. Perhaps when they were thin, someone traumatized them and now they associate thin with trauma.

    Men and women sometimes overeat to deal with sexual impulses. Unconsciously, they may be afraid that if they had a trim body they would act out sexually, or be the target of sexual advances. Fat can serve as protection and is often blamed for other undeveloped parts of our self. For example, maybe I’m a critical person and that’s why people stay away from me. As long as I’m fat, I can blame their avoidance on my weight.

    Most people aren’t aware they use food to cope with emotional issues. When I ask, “Why did you overeat”, the typical answer is, “I don’t know.” If you think about it hard and long enough, there was a reason for overeating.

    Next time you find yourself overeating, think about what happened before you ate. Were you upset, angry, bored, excited? See if you can identify an emotion that may have led to overeating. The first step in breaking a compulsive pattern is to recognize what sets it off. Then force yourself to substitute some other activity for eating.

    PRESS PAUSE WEEK Introduction