Dr. Linda Mintle

Author: Dr. Linda

  • Addicted to Work?

    If you work to avoid negative emotional states such as anxiety and depression, perhaps work has taken on an addictive quality.

    In a state of frustration, Rachel recounted her life. “It’s like I married my alcoholic father. Not a day goes by in which my husband spends less than 12 hours on some assignment related to work. When we vacation, he says he wants to rest but I always find him secretly working on his lap top. At night, he steals away to the quiet of his at-home office until wee hours of the morning. After a few hours of sleep, he’s up and traveling to the real office job. I don’t see him until 8:00 pm. By then the kids are in bed. He grabs a bite to eat and the cycle starts all over again. There is something terribly wrong here. Can a person be addicted to work?”

    In the same way a drug addict uses pot or an alcoholic downs booze, work can have an anesthetizing effect on negative emotions. Yes, people do use work to escape and avoid unpleasant emotional states. But because hard work is so sanctioned in our society, it is an addiction often minimized. But the fall out for the family can be just as devastating.

    Our once sacred days of rest have vanished as malls and superstores stay open during Shabbot and Sundays. Technology invades our home life. Solicitors assault us during the dinner hour. And the boundary between work and home is blurred by pagers, faxes, cell phones and computers. This instant communiqué turns our play to work and our home fronts to alternate work sites.

    Workaholism is real. But how do you know if you are simply a hard worker or a workaholic? Ask yourself these questions:

    · Do you view work as a haven rather than a necessity or obligation?

    · Does work obliterate all other areas of your life?

    · Can you make the transition from the office to the Little League game without guilt and constant thinking of what you        need to do?

    · Do you have work scattered all over your home?

    · Do you regularly break commitments to family and friends because of deadlines and work commitments?

    · Do you get an adrenaline rush from meeting impossible deadlines?

    · Are you preoccupied with work no matter what you do?

    · Do you work long after your co-workers are finished?

    If your answers are “Yes” to most of these questions, it’s time to reevaluate your love for work and cut back. Workaholism can bring emotional estrangement and withdrawal in your relationships. In the worse case, it can even lead to separation and divorce.

    Children of workaholics learn they are valued for their achievements and often lack parent attention. They have high levels of depression and tend to take on parenting roles similar to those in alcoholic homes.

    If you think you may be a workaholic, acknowledge the problem. Then, begin making small changes that limit work hours. Pay attention to other parts of life like your family, spirituality, play, friends, etc. Vow to spend more time doing other things and do them. Talk to your family about balance and determine ways to be more involved. Turn off electronics when you come home and be unavailable for certain hours of the day. Leave the office at a reasonable time even if your work isn’t perfect or completely finished.

    Don’t downplay the negative effects workaholism plays in your life. Even though you may be rewarded at the work place for your obsessive efforts, your family needs you, not more work. And as the well-known saying goes, “I’ve never met a dying person who regretted not spending more time at the office!”

  • Stressed? Take a Deep Breath and Relax!

    If you, like millions of Americans, feel stressed out and in need of a long vacation you can’t afford to take, don’t sweat it. There is a lot you can do to de-stress yourself.  Keep in mind that the opposite of tension and stress is relaxation. Relaxation comes in many forms. Sometimes it has to be learned and practiced.

    For example, if you grew up in a home with an alcoholic or abusive parent you may not even realize that your body has carried physically tension for years. Alcoholic/abusive parents can create uptight kids. Kids never know when the alcoholic/abuser will be available, angry, critical, physical, kind or calm. This unpredictable pattern creates a tense child–always waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. Tension becomes a learned state of living. Many of these adult children       need to teach their bodies how to relax.

    Let’s begin with an easy way to learn to relax. Before you begin, try to rate the level of tension in your body from zero (no tension– you are probably dead) to 100 (this much tension will kill you).

    Take deep breaths – When you are tense, breathing often becomes short and rapid. It tends to originate in the chest. Some people even hyperventilate which can lead to panic. Breathing should come from the abdomen, not the chest. If you are unsure, place your hand on your abdomen, take a breath and see if your hand moves. If you don’t feel an in and out motion, chances are you are breathing from your chest and throat.

    When you concentrate on taking deep, slow breathes, you supply more oxygen to the brain and muscle system. You stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms you. Taking deep breaths can help you clear your mind. Try to concentrate on your body. Try to inhale slowly through the nose and let the air go down low. Pause and slowly exhale through your nose or mouth.

    Do this over and over, about 10 times. When you practice deep breathing three or four times a day, you will catch yourself breathing incorrectly and teach your body to breathe correctly. The good thing about this form of relaxation is that it is free, easy to do and can be done anywhere. You can be in the middle of a crowd, start feeling tense and take a number of deep slow breaths to calm down. Or you can be alone in the house and practice.

    After you have practiced this exercise a few times, rate the level of tension in your body again on that 0-100 scale. The number should be lower. If not, you need more practice. The more often you sense stress in your body, the more you can apply this technique. So next time you feel tension creeping into your body, take a deep breath and relax!

  • Stressed Out? Speak Up!

    “Sure I’ll cook for the spaghetti dinner.” “Yes I can baby-sit your children for the day.” “Yes, I can chair another committee.” “Since no one else will volunteer, I guess I’ll do it.” Do you ever find yourself saying these things and then realize you’ve taken on too much? You’ve committed to doing more than you can realistically handle. As a result, you are stressed and kicking yourself for not saying no.

    Too many of us take on too much because we don’t say “No”; we are afraid to speak up; don’t feel we have the right; need to please others; want to be loved for what we do; or think we have to be superwoman and do it all! Time to turn in your cape! Learn to say “No” and not feel guilty. You’ll reduce the stress in your life.

    Saying “No” to things requires assertiveness. Assertiveness is behavior that falls somewhere in the middle of giving in and aggressiveness. It is not giving in to the wants of others or keeping silent and expecting people to read your mind. It is also not yelling at people and demanding your way. It is a practiced skill that helps you manage stress. Contrary to popular thought, you don’t have to be angry to be assertive. In fact, I prefer you stay calm.

    There are two parts involved in being assertive: 1) know what you want 2) say it.  One of the reasons we don’t practice being assertive is because we don’t know what we want. We are wishy washy, unsure, and undefined. We allow others to manipulate us in to doing things and then feel resentful because we have too much to do. Or we feel guilty and don’t believe we have the right to speak up. We ask, “Who am I to say no?”

    You are someone important. You are also responsible for managing stress that comes your way. When you can do something about stress, take the initiative-speak up!  Know what you want and take a reasonable position. Do not feel guilty setting limits. Reduce stress by taking control where and when you can.

    Speak up and let your voice be heard. When you address problems as they occur, you won’t build up anger and hold on to things that can grow into resentment. Often times, this is the root of depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Many of my female patients have to be taught how to be assertive because it is a skill they never learned. It is also something that has to be practiced.

    The benefits from speaking up are improved physical and psychological health. Your relationships will improve and you will better manage stress. In addition, you will gain respect from people. They may not like your stance, but they will respect you for taking one.


  • Calming the Mind

    Stress affects people differently. Some carry stress in their physical bodies. Physical symptoms emerge and tense muscles result. Others are more stressed because of their thoughts. They worry and become anxious. For those of you who feel body tension, use physical techniques to relax your muscle. Deep Muscle Relaxation

    If stress originates more from your thoughts, you need cognitive strategies to help you relax. Two good ones are visualizing peaceful scenes and meditation. Now don’t get crazy on me and think I am about to embark on some New Age quest for serenity. I’m not talking about repeating mantras or engaging in transcendental meditation.

    Christians can mediate and visualize. The Bible even directs us to do so, “… whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things” (Phil 4:8, NKJV).

    All you do is focus your mind on things that bring peace and a sense of well-being. Think about God’s intense love for you. Meditation is prayer. When we pray and spend time with our heavenly Father, we feel better and less stressed. We have a Dad who has promised to take care of us and meet our needs. If that doesn’t lessen your stress, nothing will.

    I know that visualization and meditation have a bad rap because they are usually associated with New Age and Eastern religions. But Christians have an intimate relationship with an awesome God. You can think about His promises and mediate on His love. When you do, tension leaves and you feel refreshed in spirit and mind.

    When you feel stressed and tense, you can also visualize yourself in a quiet peaceful place. This is calming. Some people like to imagine themselves on a sunny beach with a gentle breeze, the smell of the ocean, clear skies and water. Other people find a mountain cabin in the snow to be a quiet calming place. Still others imagine basking eternally in the presence of Christ. It doesn’t matter what scene you choose, just think of something peaceful and try to engage all your senses in the scene. All this does is distract your anxious thoughts to a place of peace.

    The idea behind meditation and visualization is to clam your anxiety and bring you peace. We know that true peace comes from having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. One of His promises is to keep us in perfect peace if we keep our mind stayed on Him (Isaiah 26:3). God is the author of peace and serenity. Think about Him, His goodness, His love, and all He has done for you.

  • Do You Have Mom Stress?

    Mom stands for Mother On the Move

    You wake up at 6:30 a.m. and feed the baby. The two preschoolers, Jack and Jill, wake up. The baby cries. Jill needs her bottom wiped, and Jack has just spilled his milk trying to be mom’s big-boy helper. The baby is still screaming. Jill’s out of the bathroom and has fallen on the step. Now she’s screaming. Jack, the helper, is dragging her to the “bandage place.” The baby stops crying, you reach down and place the bandage on Jill’s scraped knee. For one moment, everyone is silent. You take a deep breath, and it starts again. Jack is jumping up and down yelling, “The baby spit up all over mommy’s clothes.” He seems to be enjoying this! You look at your watch. You’ve only been up for an hour! Twenty-three more to go! Mom-stress is a way of life.

    You probably don’t know whether to laugh or cry if this is your life. I suggest you laugh because humor helps with stress. Mom-stress is a part of mothering. There never seems to be enough of us to go around. By the end of the day, sleep is our only friend.

    Being a mom is highly rewarding, but let’s admit it, it’s also stressful. Moms play multiple roles in a day–cook, taxi driver, homework monitor, nurse, emotional soother, etc. We run from thing to thing, never really having the time to complete anything well. We give so much of ourselves that we often don’t pay attention to our own bodies and to our need for revitalization.

    Stop what you are doing and look at this checklist. If you can’t check these things, you need a break. You can only go on empty so long.

    I have one hour to myself a day. I know this sounds impossible but take it. Pass off the kids to your spouse. Lock your door for 15 minutes. Sit in your closet and just think. Rest while the baby naps. Do something.

    I don’t have to live in a perfect house. OK – so your mother starched the kids’ shoelaces—who says you have to do the same? Learn to live with imperfection knowing that the day of clean houses will return in later years.

    I can say no. You don’t have to be superwoman and do everything you are asked to do. Tell the room mother you can’t bake those dozen cupcakes this week. Don’t apologize for setting limits.

    I am calm with my kids. A sure sign of stress is you yelling at everyone. If you are anxious, wound up and irritable, it’s time to take a walk. Get out of the house for a minute or get a sitter for an hour.

    I am enjoying my children. If all you can think about is the day they leave home, something needs to change. Maybe you have too much going on. You may need to re-think your priorities and scale down your activities.

    Don’t forget that under every mom is a woman in hiding. Find her and let her out once in awhile. She’ll help relieve mom-stress.