Dr. Linda Mintle

Author: Dr. Linda

  • Teens and Wall Hangings

    Question: Do I have the right to tell my teen to take pictures off his wall?

    Dr Linda Helps – My 15-year-old son likes sexy pictures of half naked girls on his walls. His current girlfriend thinks these pictures are “hot” and has even given him a few. His dad and I find these pictures offensive and not appropriate on the walls of a Christian home. We know these images can’t be helping him deal with sexual temptation. He says we are overreacting and that we don’t have a right to judge. What do you think?

    Dr. Linda: I’m surprised that you even have to ask me this question given the fact that you already know the answer. If they are offensive and will cause sexual temptation, tell him to take them down and explain why. You are his parents and in charge of his moral training. Depicting women as sexual objects to be physically desired is neither honorable to women nor appropriate for a Christian teen. The fact that his girlfriend encourages this says something about her lack of moral standard, self-esteem and own view of women.

    Why is it that so many good Christian parents like you are afraid to take a stand with teens? You say you are afraid of telling him no and inciting rebellion when in reality, rebellion usually comes from lack of moral grounding and meaningful teaching in the home. Don’t just yell at him and tell him to take the pictures down. Explain what you know and believe—these pictures will not help him control sexual temptation (dad could have a lot to say here as a male) and that this is not a healthy way to depict women no matter what the culture and his girlfriend say. Women are not sexual objects to be adored and glorified.

    As far as your right to judge, his view is incorrect. You have every right to judge what comes in and out of your household. Can he go behind your back and see things elsewhere? Yes. But if you keep your relationship with him strong, discuss why things are problematic and teach from a moral and spiritual position, he will listen.

    Teens today live in a secularized culture and are repeatedly exposed to sex and violence. All the more reason you have to help teens sort out what is appropriate and inappropriate. They are teens. Not adults. They think they know things when they don’t. The key is to help them understand how exposure to certain things affects their spiritual life and moral decisions.

    Don’t be afraid to raise up a standard in your home. There are moral absolutes that must be taught no matter what the culture says.

    Your son is pushing the envelope. He needs limits and direction. He also needs parents who are loving but firm about appropriate behavior. Ask him to tell you how these pictures are helping his spiritual life, edifying women and helping him resist temptation. Most likely, he’ll come to the same conclusions as you.

  • What to Look for in a Spouse

    What do I look for when choosing a spouse? Romance, similar values, opposite personality?

    Dr Linda Helps – Dr. Linda: Among the many things to consider, start with these basics.

    In America, we marry someone we love and have compatibility. Romantic love, as we know it, has three dimensions–commitment, intimacy and passion (Sternberg, 1986). Commitment involves the willingness of the self to give to the other and be faithful to the relationship. Christians should look for more than commitment because holy marriage is based on covenant. Covenant is an unbreakable promise made to another for life. Find a potential partner who believes in covenant.

    Intimacy refers to the ability to connect emotionally and in friendship with another. Does your partner show evidence of this capacity? Intimacy should progressively grow in a relationship. That intimacy should be spiritual, emotional, psychological and behavioral. If you see signs of intimacy problems, get help or break off the relationship.

    Passion relates to attraction and sexual response. You should feel attracted to the person you marry. Attraction grows as you come to appreciate the other for more than just their appearance. Sexual passion is desired as well. But because you are to exercise self-control in sexual exploration, you might wonder about passion. If you have attraction going, and other parts of the relationship are strong, there should be no trouble with sexual passion when the right moment presents.

    Before a couple marries, an equal amount of these three dimensions should be present. Pay attention to these areas. If they are missing or problematic, rethink the relationship or start couple counseling.

    Similar backgrounds in terms of class, education, occupation, age, race, politics, religion, etc., attract. This doesn’t mean that every dimension of your life must be the same as your partner’s- -that’s called boring or maybe cloning! It does mean that the more similar you are on the big issues of life, the less conflict and stress you will face.

    For example, you might marry someone of another ethnic group. You may have a great relationship but you will face the prejudices of others. This puts stress on the relationship. Couples vary in their abilities to handle stress and differences. Be aware that the less similar you are, the more potential there is for conflict. Conflict isn’t a relationship killer. How you handle conflict and cope with conflict is key.

    Occasionally, opposites do find each other but studies show that opposite attraction is usually related to personality factors not values. Overall, we tend to look for someone similar to us in values and who has qualities we desire — attractive, similar interests, humorous, empathetic, adaptable, flexible, can communicate, can delay gratification, has a good self-image, etc.

    While you may think finding the above is a dream list and that no such person exists, it’s important to look for these things prior to marriage. If you do, you’ll begin marriage on a much happier note.

  • Single, Not Diseased!

    Being single is not a diseased state. It can be a desired state.

    Dr Linda Helps – ——————————————————————————————————-
    CLASSIFIED AD
    CSF,NS (Christian single female, non smoker) seeking church affiliation. Strong professional/career skills. Multitalented, business acumen, organizational abilities, persuasive speaker, compassion for people. Will participate in nursery duty and food services but prefers nontraditional roles. Currently not a wife nor mother but used of God. Looking for ministry opportunities that utilize my unique gifts. Interested? Don’t ask me to baby sit or fix me up with your friends. Want contemporary thinker who understands singles. Serious replies only.
    ———————————————————————————————————
    How many of you would like to take out an advertisement like this and announce to the world (and the body of Christ) that being single is NOT a diseased state. If you do, you are not alone. Join with others who are tired of being asked to baby sit and have people assume they have no life. It’s time for the church to recognize that being single describes one part of who you are. It simply gives your marital status.

    In fact, being single has its advantages over being married when it comes to serving God. Paul comments on this in 1 Corinthians 7:34, 35. He says singles are better able to serve the Lord without distraction. Specifically he says the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord. She should be holy in body and spirit. In contrast, the married woman cares about things of the world. His point here is that the single person is in covenant with God and can devote herself to the work of the Lord.

    The most important person who ever lived, Jesus, was single. He was focused on doing the work of the Father. Jesus had little time to be distracted by family. Paul, and a host of others whose mission was to spread the gospel, never married. So why do we pathologize this state of being in the church?

    The single person has great freedom to devote his/herself to the work of God because he/she is less caught up with cares of family and spouse. You may be called to be single permanently or for a time in order to accomplish what God has for you. Never think of your status as less than others. It’s time for the church to wake up and acknowledge the significant contribution you bring to the table.
    Being single isn’t a diseased state. It can be a desired state. Know what God has called you to do and go about accomplishing it. Worry less about your marital status and more about being used of God. His promise is to supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.

  • So, Do You Like This Guy?

    Pay attention to those who love and care about you when choosing a mate.

    Dr Linda Helps – Pay attention to the people who love and care about you when it comes to selecting a mate. For example, my parents (two people I consider to be relatively healthy) had opinions concerning my future partner. They had a perspective I valued as they watched me interact with men. At the point of marriage, they knew me better than anyone else. They also felt somewhat protective of their daughter.

    There were men I dated that my mother felt were not compatible with me. She didn’t meddle but did share her observations. This was helpful because she only reinforced what I already sensed. My father also had opinions and commented on things he felt were important about men. My parents’ input didn’t determine my decision but I certainly found it valuable.

    It’s important to pray, read your Bible and seek God when you consider marrying someone. If you ask God to speak to you about the person, He will. You have to spend time in prayer about this decision. Don’t think God isn’t interested. He is. If His eye is on the sparrows, He’s watching you! He knows the seriousness of the covenant and He wants you to get it right. But you’ve got to go to Him, ask and listen.

    Clients often tell me they felt “a check in their spirits” about a potential mate. Or they feel the still small voice is prompting them to end a relationship. Don’t ignore those spiritual warnings. When you pray about a specific marriage partner, the answer may not always be a green light.

    In addition, you should talk to your friends and listen to those who share your faith. They can help you think through important issues. If you are not defensive and truly open to the feedback of others, they can point to areas of concern. Deal with these areas prior to a making a commitment. You are in la la land if you think problems will magically disappear after the wedding. People often marry and say they knew they made a mistake on the honeymoon! What happened after the wedding wasn’t a surprise because signs were present during the engagement.

    Your pastor/priest/rabbi should be involved in the decision to marry. He/she is your spiritual authority and can challenge you as a couple regarding your commitment and compatibility. Premarital counseling is effective with many couples. There are inventories like PREPARE (Olson, Fournier, & Druckman, 1986) that identify areas of relational strengths and potential problems that predict marital dissatisfaction. If you’ve got access to these inventories, use then. They can highlight areas of potential pitfalls. You may also learn things about your partner you didn’t know.

    Obviously there is much to consider when choosing a spouse. That’s why it is so important to take your time, get to know the person and watch how he/she handles life under a number of circumstances. Seeing someone function over time is very helpful. That’s why quick courtships are dangerous – anyone can be on best behavior for a short period. Don’t minimize a concern you see while dating. Bring it up and deal with it directly. If you can’t do this while dating, it won’t get easier when you are married.

  • What Are Eating Disorders?

    Do you self-starve, compulsively eat and purge? You may have an eating disorder.

    Dr Linda Helps – You have seen pictures of emaciated women who think they are fat and girls who slowly starve themselves to near death. Models, actresses and ballet dancers are well known for having high numbers of anorexic women in their professions-professions in which the body and appearance are of great importance.

    You probably know someone who has or had an eating disorder. If you live in a college dorm, you don’t have to look far for evidence of the problem because it is rampant on college campuses. You may be old enough to remember singer Karen Carpenter who died from complications related to anorexia.

    These disorders are serious and require treatment by a mental health multidisciplinary team trained in eating disorders. Eating disorders are primarily of psychological origin even though they involve medical and physical complications. Early intervention is best because of the potential for serious medical problems, the extreme being death. These disorders affect men and women of all ages, but are especially present in young women. Adolescents are most at risk but all ages can be affected.

    Abnormal eating patterns may include self-starvation, compulsive eating, or compulsive eating and self-induced purging. Simple starvation leads to anorexia nervosa; compulsive eating to binge eating disorder and obesity; and purging to bulimia nervosa.

    All three patterns share in common certain symptoms: intense fear of gaining weight; excessive preoccupation with food and eating; chronic dieting; poor body image; depression; and the need for approval by others.

    Anorexia involves severe weight loss, excessive exercise, body image disturbance and food avoidance. Once 15% of body weight has been lost, medical symptoms can occur: absent menstruation in women; irritability and depression; gastrointestinal problems; headaches; sensitivity to cold; low pulse and temperature; hair loss; weakness; and anxiety. Low blood sugar, fainting and concentration problems also occur. Approximately 1% of adolescent girls develop this disorder. Anorexia is primarily a female problem(90%) but is rising among men.

    Compulsive eating includes impulsive, poorly controlled episodes of binge eating. High calorie foods are ingested in excessive quantities, often multiple times per day. The resulting weight gain may lead to chronic and sporadic dieting or fasting. As body weight increases, there is social withdrawal, depression, anxiety and panic attacks, work or school avoidance, and loss of self-esteem.

    Bulimia nervosa occurs when self-induced purging follows compulsive eating. The use of vomiting, laxatives, diuretics or fasting to control weight creates serious medical symptoms. These include: large weight fluctuations, gastric distress, headaches, skin irritations, tooth loss and gum disease, electrolyte disturbances, depression, and heart failure. About 2-3% of young women develop bulimia.