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Ben had a terrible anger problem. His rage stemmed from living with an abusive father who criticized and belittled him as a child. As an adult, Ben hates the way his anger seems to unleash itself at his wife. He sought therapy to help identify the hot buttons for his anger and learn strategies for self-control.

Ben: “I feel angry a lot.”

Therapist: “What are you angry about?” 

Ben: “I don’t know. I just feel angry! It seems like it comes out of no where.”

Therapist:’When you feel angry, what are you thinking about?” 

Ben:”Nothing really, I just feel angry!”

Even when you aren’t aware of it, anger is triggered by angry thoughts. Thinking influences feeling. And thoughts often cue up anger. Behind that red-hot feeling is a thought that contributes to your emotional state.

Thoughts like, ” I’ll never…” How dare she!” “Can you believe…” come to our mind when we demand and expect things from people.

“She better not treat me this way!” Well, guess what, she just did!

Thus, continuing to think how wrong the other person is doesn’t make you feel better or fix the problem. Thinking negative thoughts just upsets you more. And often those negative thoughts are based on past experiences that you transfer to the the moment. In Ben’s case, when his wife gives him the slightest negative feedback, it triggers his father’s criticism.

Don’t react, resolve angry feelings

Instead of reacting to issues from the past, Ben needs to resolve them. This requires looking at the ways he was hurt but is now protecting himself with anger–a more powerful emotion than hurt. As an adult, Ben can control his responses to injustice or poor behavior. He can learn to change those angry thoughts. To do so,  he has to listen to his thoughts and become aware of what is prompting that angry feeling. In Ben’s case, it was criticism that triggered that old wound from his childhood.

Lose extreme thinking

Also, when we get angry, our thoughts tend to be extreme. Instead of thinking, “Now the night is ruined” “or “My boss is just a mean person,” change the thought to something more rational. “This was a bad moment but we can make the rest of the night better.” “Or, “My boss has problems but I am not going to let him ruin my day.” In the process of changing your thoughts, avoid words like always and never.

Check your expectations

Next, assess how often you expect people to act certain ways. When they don’t, do you become frustrated? A low frustration tolerance often prompts anger. Patience is needed when dealing with people who don’t measure up to your standard. Rather than jump to conclusions, give grace. Humor can also break a tense moment.

Identify the thoughts prior to feeling angry

To control your anger, the next time you feel angry, identify the thought that precedes the anger. Change the thought to something more rational, less extreme and more grace- filled. If you feel yourself becoming physically aroused, practice a few calming techniques. Slow deep breathing helps. Go for a walk, take a time-out and count to 10 before you speak. It  may take time and practice to get angry thoughts under control, but you can make this change. And certainly, the deeper your spiritual life, the more self-control comes from the Holy Spirit living in you.

Finally, consider these 10 tips:

1. Refuse to be easily offended. Often, we choose offense and question the motives of others. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
2. Refuse to keep thinking about the injustice. This often leads to unforgivness and bitterness.
3. Don’t vent your anger as this makes it worse, not better.
4. Don’t allow your anger to build. Deal with each situation when it happens.
5. Determine not to raise your voice.
6. Resist the urge for revenge-leave that to God.
7. Deal with underlying feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem and past woundings. These contribute to your anger.
8. Don’t react impulsively–count to 10, breathe!
9. Have regular physical outlets to release tension and stress.
10. Agree to disagree with others.

Rejection! Not an easy pill to swallow!

It’s over. I don’t want to see you again. 

Those words sting whether it’s from a relationship, a job, a college admission or related to a spot on the team. Rejection tests our feelings of self-worth. Poorly managed, it can lead to depression and anxiety.

When you experience rejection, brain science confirms that rejection activates the same parts of our brain as pain. So it does literally hurt! Despite the pain, rejection is a part of life. So we have to learn to how to deal with it. But we can learn from rejection and grow. In fact, if handled well, rejection can actually be used to revive your self-esteem.

Here are 5 ways to grow and move past a rejection:

Engage in self-examination not self-criticism. 

There is a difference between between the two. Self-criticism leads to statements like, “I must be a real jerk, nobody will love me, what’s wrong with me,”etc. Self-criticism is not helpful because it takes you no where but down. Instead, do a little self-examination. Rather than focus on the other person, think about how  you behaved in the relationship? What do you need to change for the next relationship? Don’t ruminate on mistakes. Learn from them with the idea that all relationships teach us something!

Also, ask yourself, are there unique circumstances that led to this rejection? When you self-examine, don’t over personalize. Consider the idea that the rejection might have been more about him or her than you. Be realistic and assess what led to the rejection so you don’t repeat problems in the future. This process of self-examination helps you grow.

Stop idealizing the relationship

When break up occurs, there is a tendency to idealize the relationship in terms of what it was or might have been. We forget the heartaches and differences that made the relationship difficult. To keep from idealizing, write a list of the things that made the relationship not work or caused a lot of tension. Look at your list daily to remind yourself, yes, there were problems. In other words, learn as noted above, move on and stop looking back. It wasn’t ideal or it would have worked!

Get off social media and surround yourself with supportive people. 

Social media can deepen a wound after a break up. You see your ex enjoying life, maybe moving on and it feels even worse. After a rejection, get off social media and take a break. You don’t need to expose yourself to posts that will further hurt your self-esteem. Vent or talk to a friend. Seek out those who know and support you. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and love you for who you are. Take some time to heal.

Develop a stronger internal locus of control. 

Locus of control has to do with the generalized expectancy we have related to an outcome. When rejection feels like it happens outside of your control, this is called an external locus of control.  In other words, outside forces determined or strongly influenced the break up. For example, your job interfered with your time together, his mom didn’t like you, he didn’t like that you made more money than he did, etc. Sometimes rejection is influenced by external factors, but those are not always things you can change. So ruminating about those external factors doesn’t help much. However, you can focus on those things within your control. Internal factors such as I acted needy, I was constantly questioning him and jealous, I wouldn’t talk when I was upset, etc. are within your control. All of those internal factors are within your power to change because they are internal. The more internal locus of control you develop, the better you will handle rejection . An internal locus of control focuses your expectancy on what you can change that will impact future outcomes.

Remind yourself that you are more than a rejection

When you face rejection, it helps to remember that what is desired by one person may not be desired by another. Just because this relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean you are somehow flawed. It’s one person or one experience. And it didn’t work out for a number of reasons. Acknowledge the hurt, express your feelings, do some self-examination, learn and then be at peace. No one has the right to define your worth other than God. And He already declares you unconditionally loved and accepted.

Healthy relationships are all about feeling safe and secure. We want to know that no matter what, our relationships won’t fall apart. We want to know that our partner has our back and is committed for the long haul. But how does this happen? Or maybe, why doesn’t it happen?

At the heart of all relationships is our attachment experiences. Attachment has to do with how we relate to others. It develops early in life. Attachment styles are formed from the emotional bonds created with our parents or caregivers. When caregivers are emotionally available and attentive, we feel secure. When that doesn’t happen, we develop insecure attachments. Secure or insecure, those early attachment styles carry over to adult romantic relationships.

The question is, what jeopardizes a person’s security and makes the attachment insecure?

Ambivalent attachment: If your parent or caregiver was inconsistent with attending to your needs, your attachment style can be ambivalent. Due to that inconsistency, you are not sure you can depend on people. You may feel reluctant to get too close to someone and worry if they will love you back. This could result in doing too much or being too intense in a romantic relationship. An ambivalent attachment style leaves you on edge, wondering-will it work out? You appear overly needy. The uncertainty you feel and lack of self-esteem leaves you craving emotional intimacy. And you need lots of reassurance. This can result in feeling jealous and having trouble with boundaries as well.

Avoidant-dismissive attachment: This develops early on when  parents or caregivers are not emotionally connected or what we called attuned (tuned in) to your needs as a child. This leads to the belief that love is not possible. You want love, but don’t believe it will  happen for you. After all, you had to take care of yourself, be self-sufficient and keep people at a distance in order to avoid hurt in your younger years. As a result, you may keep a romantic partner at arm’s length, not share your innermost thoughts and have problems with intimacy. You are suspicious of closeness and don’t want to rely on others since they let you down in the past. If you have this type of attachment type, you prefer independence and are uncomfortable with your own emotions.

Disorganized or fearful attachment. This style is based in fear that is usually related to trauma and abuse. Your belief is that you don’t deserve love. It’s hard to cope with the world of relationships because you feel so unsafe. Sometimes you feel love and other times hate. Relationships are confusing because of how neglected you were in terms of your needs. This can result in distrusting and controlling others. And you may use substance to cope with life.

After reading these descriptions, how have you been influenced from early life experiences? Keep in mind that you can change your attachment style and work on intimate relationships. Pay attention to your nonverbal communication with others. Are you giving messages to stay away? How about messages of low self-esteem? Do you seem overly needy?

You can change our style. Surround yourself with people who have secure attachments and learn from them. Work on issues from your past with a professional therapist if you need to in order to resolve and understand how family trauma and insecurity affects you now.

Most of all, know that a deep intimate relationship with God can transform your insecurity to secure. God is a loving father who is attuned to all your needs if you talk to Him (prayer). He won’t leave or neglect you once you are in relationship with Him. He can be the corrective parent you never had and help turn your insecurity around.

Memorial Day is more than a long weekend to play. Yes, it is a three-day weekend and the grills will fire up. And we certainly need some celebration after a very difficult year of loss. But it is a day we recognize those who have died while serving in our armed forces. Honestly, it’s not a day of joy and fun for many families. It’s a sobering day of remembering those we have lost to the sacrifice of service.

If your family has been touched by loss like mine has, you pause, remember and pray. Our brave men and women have given their lives for our freedom. This day reminds us of their sacrifice.

Until I moved too far away, I used to visit my brother’s grave on Memorial Day. When I look at the small American flag placed on the stone, the military funeral rushes into my head. Memories of his body shipped overseas from a foreign land, a closed coffin draped by the American flag and then laid in the ground, flood my mind; the military officer who appeared in our kitchen on a warm summer day to tell us he wasn’t coming home; the shock on the face of his wife when we had to tell her of his death; his two-year-old son who couldn’t understand where daddy was and why he won’t see him anymore; the second born child brought into this world without his father; and the gut wrenching tears and heartache we experienced as a family. Those memories do not go away.

And so, on this Memorial Day, we remember individually but also as a nation.

This year, I urge you to pause from your hamburgers and hot dogs. Take a moment to pray. Consider a donation to an organization that helps families regroup from loss. Reach out to someone who is experiencing this holiday without a loved one. Just the acknowledgment that our service men and women are not forgotten goes a long way.

To my brother Gary, you are missed in ways I cannot express. Thank you for your willingness to put your life on the line so mine can remain free. And to the many that join me in remembering their loved ones, you are not forgotten! And we thank you for your service.

If you would like to do something specific to honor the fallen, here are 10 ideas:

1) Explain the significance of the day to your children.

2) Fly the American flag at half-mast.

3) Visit a war museum or memorial.

4) Place a red poppy on the grave of a veteran (a symbol of the blood of heroes that never dies).

5) Take a moment for a silent prayer and pray for those still in harm’s way.

6) Attend a parade or religious service honoring our fallen soldiers.

7) Participate in the National Moment of Remembrance (pause at 3:00p.m. your time zone).

8) Give a donation to a veteran charity like the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.

9) Sponsor a thank you bouquet through the National Memorial Day Foundation. You can dedicate your bouquet to a fallen soldier.

10) Ask your school to be involved in the Adopt a Grave program –the school takes care of a grave of a fallen soldier by keeping it clean and placing flowers on it.

There aren’t words to express the gratitude I feel to those who bravely fought for our freedom. Thank you to all the soldiers and their families for you sacrifice.

As a national speaker, people often come up to me after I speak and say something like, “That was the best talk of the night.” Or, “I think you were the best speaker.” Now, it sounds like a compliment and I take it that way. So thank you for your kind words!. But is it really the type of praise we should be giving?

Let me explain. We know how important  praise is. We like to be praised for our work and successes. It reinforces our efforts. The more we are praised, the better we perform. And praise usually improves mood too. So we can argue that this free and renewable resource should be used often.

But is there a type of praise that leaves us unsettled and we don’t really know why?

Yes! It’s called comparison praise. So let’s use the nice compliment I received right after I spoke. The person who spoke before me was standing behind me. Did she hear that praise? If so, how did she feel? And the next time I speak with 5 other speakers, will I lose my best-in-show status? Do I need to be the best speaker or simply a good speaker who possibly inspired you?

Here’s another example. A father says to his daughter, you were the most talented dancer on that stage today. Sounds good on the surface, but this type of praise is based on a comparison as well. Dad’s daughter is better than all those other dancers. And that comparison sets up a keen sense of competition. If the daughter is a better dancer, than her friends are not quite as good. And that puts pressure on her to keep trying to maintain the top spot!

Honestly, this can make you anxious. All through high school, I had to work extremely hard to keep  first chair in flute. The band leader would have me and the second chair compete randomly in front of the band. Then, based on our on-the-spot performance, he would either move me down to second chair or keep me in place. The comment was, “Linda, you played the best today. But some weeks it was, “Holly you played the best.” Then I got up and moved down to my demoted second chair. Even though both Holly and I practiced like crazy, it was never enough. It was nail biting and anxiety provoking.

The better way to praise is not to compare at all. I know, we do it all the time, but it reinforces the idea that your potential is limited and perhaps fleeting. It doesn’t raise the bar for others around you either. Holly and I could have made each other better but instead, we were pitted against each other. You can still compliment the speaker, the dancer or even the flute player. But not at the expense of others. In order words, give the compliment and lose the superlatives. Praise the actions you want to see more. For example,”I was inspired to spend time with my spouse after hearing you speak.” Or “I fell in love with the beauty of dance when I saw you on the stage.” “Sounds like you practiced a lot on this piece. Well done!”

OK I know some of you are skeptical right now thinking competition is healthy. It is, but praise that isn’t comparative is surprisingly powerful because it doesn’t put another person down.  Shawn Achor in his book, Big Potential, talks about the negatives of comparison praise. He makes us think about how we praise. “Hey Shawn, thanks for that!” Notice that wasn’t a comparison praise!

When praise is comparative, we think about how we measure up to others rather than improving and being more creative. In Achor’s mind, this sets the bar low–just be better than someone else rather than raising the bar to be the best YOU.

Give me a minute. I am working on it!