Dr. Linda Mintle

Category: Family Help

  • Ask Dr. Linda: Husband Lost Job. Will it impact the kids?

    My husband recently lost his job and money is tight. I know I have been more irritable and on edge because of the financial stress we feel. Do kids pick up on this and if so, how do we talk to them about what is happening. Our kids are ages five, seven and nine.

     

    When the economy takes a down turn or jobs are lost, adults get anxious and often pass that anxiety on to their children. So it is important to first deal with your own anxiety. Scripture teaches that God is our provider and will not abandon us in times of difficulty. We are to be anxious about nothing and not worry about tomorrow. This doesn’t mean we pretend things aren’t difficult, but rather that we know the source of our help and strength.

    Once you are calm and reassured of God’s provision, talk to your children openly and honestly, but with reassurance and a plan. The most important thing to convey is that they will be taken care of and your family will make it through this difficult time. Make the explanation about tough economic times age-appropriate. Tell your children that daddy is looking for a new job.

    In the meantime, you will need to cut back on some of your wants versus needs. For example, we will not eat out as much, be more careful on buying things we don’t need, etc. These changes won’t be forever, but for a while. Younger kids simply need reassurance.  The nine-year-old may ask more questions. If so, talk about job changes and the importance of saving for unpredictable times. This is a wonderful opportunity to build faith and teach about God’s provisions. Children need to know that God promises to be with us and meet our needs. Also, pray as a family, giving thanks for what you do have and making your requests known to God.  Gratitude is a powerful protector against stress. In sum, put your trust in God, make wise decisions and be creative with family fun that doesn’t cost money.

  • Do I Need a Christian Therapist?

    Dr. Linda answers the question, “Do I need a Christian therapist if I am a Christian and want to go to counseling.” How important is it to have someone who shares your world view when it comes to therapy help. Listen to this Mintle Health Minute

    Dr. Linda Do I Need a Christian therapist?

  • Could You Give Away the Family Pet?

    I was sitting in church a few weeks ago when a guest speaker was talking about his family’s decision to give away their two small eight-year-old dogs. I could hardly listen to the story and the somewhat buried spiritual point because I couldn’t wrap my brain around giving away our family pet. When Teddy, our beloved miniature poodle, died at 16 years of age, the loss hit me hard. As the speaker continued to unfold the story of pet inconvenience, children going to college, and the lack of attention his pets were getting, I was trying hard not to judge, but to relate.

    After Teddy died, I vowed not to get another family dog. Our family was too busy and often out of the house for long periods of the day. Having teenagers, I knew I would become the default caregiver despite my teens’ intentions to do their part. Against my better judgment, I conceded to getting a puppy. A few days in to it, I realized this was not a good idea and gave our dog, Zoe, to friends who had two of her siblings. The give-away lasted only a few days. I couldn’t do it. Feeling like Judas to that sweet little creature, we retrieved our dog. No matter the inconvenience, we were committed for life.

    So I get this speaker who is trying to convince us all why his family wanted to give away their pets. But I couldn’t do it after a few days, and this family had their pets for eight years. It would be like giving away a child (two in this case)! OK, maybe not that intense. But what kind of person does this? (I’m judging again.)

    Before I could confess my sin, redemption came. The speaker admitted that his family couldn’t do it. They cried, lost sleep, and rescinded the offer. I was so relieved. Now, I could take them off my prayer list.

    Oh I know, some of you are thinking, we are talking animals here, what’s the big deal? The big deal is this: Attachment and commitment seem to be missing in our relationships (with pets or people). We find easy excuses as to why we want out or don’t want to commit.

    Call me a shrink, but anyone who can give away a family pet for reasons of inconvenience has issues with attachment and commitment. You can certainly disagree and feel free to tell me your story, but the sermon made me think of how disposable relationships are in our culture.

    When inconvenience and struggle are involved in any family relationship, are we too ready to cut the person off, get out of the marriage, or ditch our commitment? Working through the tough times of attachment and commitment are what lasting relationships require.

    The next time you are completely frustrated with that family member, who you’d like to cut off, divorce or give away, think about all creatures big and small who need your unconditional love, patience, mercy, and grace to grow in intimacy and stay committed.

    Honestly, could you give away the family pet?

     


  • Addicted to Work?

    If you work to avoid negative emotional states such as anxiety and depression, perhaps work has taken on an addictive quality.

    In a state of frustration, Rachel recounted her life. “It’s like I married my alcoholic father. Not a day goes by in which my husband spends less than 12 hours on some assignment related to work. When we vacation, he says he wants to rest but I always find him secretly working on his lap top. At night, he steals away to the quiet of his at-home office until wee hours of the morning. After a few hours of sleep, he’s up and traveling to the real office job. I don’t see him until 8:00 pm. By then the kids are in bed. He grabs a bite to eat and the cycle starts all over again. There is something terribly wrong here. Can a person be addicted to work?”

    In the same way a drug addict uses pot or an alcoholic downs booze, work can have an anesthetizing effect on negative emotions. Yes, people do use work to escape and avoid unpleasant emotional states. But because hard work is so sanctioned in our society, it is an addiction often minimized. But the fall out for the family can be just as devastating.

    Our once sacred days of rest have vanished as malls and superstores stay open during Shabbot and Sundays. Technology invades our home life. Solicitors assault us during the dinner hour. And the boundary between work and home is blurred by pagers, faxes, cell phones and computers. This instant communiqué turns our play to work and our home fronts to alternate work sites.

    Workaholism is real. But how do you know if you are simply a hard worker or a workaholic? Ask yourself these questions:

    · Do you view work as a haven rather than a necessity or obligation?

    · Does work obliterate all other areas of your life?

    · Can you make the transition from the office to the Little League game without guilt and constant thinking of what you        need to do?

    · Do you have work scattered all over your home?

    · Do you regularly break commitments to family and friends because of deadlines and work commitments?

    · Do you get an adrenaline rush from meeting impossible deadlines?

    · Are you preoccupied with work no matter what you do?

    · Do you work long after your co-workers are finished?

    If your answers are “Yes” to most of these questions, it’s time to reevaluate your love for work and cut back. Workaholism can bring emotional estrangement and withdrawal in your relationships. In the worse case, it can even lead to separation and divorce.

    Children of workaholics learn they are valued for their achievements and often lack parent attention. They have high levels of depression and tend to take on parenting roles similar to those in alcoholic homes.

    If you think you may be a workaholic, acknowledge the problem. Then, begin making small changes that limit work hours. Pay attention to other parts of life like your family, spirituality, play, friends, etc. Vow to spend more time doing other things and do them. Talk to your family about balance and determine ways to be more involved. Turn off electronics when you come home and be unavailable for certain hours of the day. Leave the office at a reasonable time even if your work isn’t perfect or completely finished.

    Don’t downplay the negative effects workaholism plays in your life. Even though you may be rewarded at the work place for your obsessive efforts, your family needs you, not more work. And as the well-known saying goes, “I’ve never met a dying person who regretted not spending more time at the office!”

  • Neglecting the Elderly

    What happened to pastoral care?

    About three months ago, my 84-year-old mom received a letter from the church she has been a member of for more than 60 years. The letter informed her that she no longer had voting privileges because of her lack of attendance on Sunday morning. Her absence is due her being bound to a wheelchair, which prevents her from being able to attend church on a regular basis. My 89-year-old father is her full-time caretaker. Since July 2009, she has suffered multiple medical problems and been in and out of hospitals. In the past nine months, not one of the five pastors in her church have called or visited. The senior pastor came to the hospital once after my aunt called and begged him to come. This is shameful. My parents’ spiritual needs are being completely ignored by the church.

    Mom and Dad have faithfully served at the church for decades. Every singing group, evangelist, speaker, and guest was housed by my parents’ place. No matter who died, got married, or had a baby, my mom sent meals and food to help with every occasion the church hosted. My dad served as an usher, never missing a Sunday. He and his relatives built the camp grounds and fixed whatever was broken when called upon. For years, my mom baked the pastor’s favorite fruit pies and sent them to his house, per his request. Now, in their twilight years, we never hear from the church. And we aren’t alone.

    Many churches have become so focused on numbers and youth, that meeting the needs of their senior members are not even on the radar. My parents’ church has 450 members and five pastors, and not one pastor does pastoral care. There is an older gentleman who gets paid $100 a month to hold a senior service. Other than that, the elderly seem to be forgotten. And during this time in their lives, when a call or visit would mean so much, the pastors are not taking the time to minister to them.

    Fortunately for my parents, they have strong friendships and dedicated family members who step in, visit, and bring meals. But, they’re mostly elderly and are also in need of a little pastoral care. My 81-year-old aunt who called the pastor to come is now in the hospital and no one from the church staff has visited her either. 

    God is meeting the needs of my parents. We know our dependence is on Him and that He is always present. But is it asking too much for a church leaders to call once in awhile and check on these saints and offer to pray with them? Is it too much to expect someone to organize a meal or bring a card of encouragement? What has happened to pastoral care? The church has been the center of my parents’ lives for 60 years and now it saddens me that they are being neglected by the very body they so faithfully served. God is their reward, but the church needs to do a better job of caring for the elderly.

    Are the ministry needs of the elderly being neglected in our churches?

    ~ Dr. Linda