Dr. Linda Mintle

Category: Parenting Help

  • Do Something About Cyberbullying

    Because of the recent teen suicides reported in the news, our national attention has once again been focused on cyber-bullying. No longer do we worry about the loud mouth school bully who pushes kids in the hall and name calls. Now, the academically bright and capable kids can use cyberspace as a weapon for jealousy, envy, and shear meanness. Taunting others with text messages, Facebook slandering, and yes, throwing energy drinks in the face of hall walkers are just a few of the ways bullying now happens.

    Today’s bullies work in groups and focus their attention online. As they target specific kids, they are less overt than their predecessors and more anonymous given the cloak of cyberspace. Their methods include humiliating teens through gossip, rumor, videos, and nasty text messages. Bullying can be relentless because of 24/7 access to the Internet.

    No one really knows the direct causes of the rise of cyber-bullying but we can certainly speculate on what seems to make sense. For years, we have witnessed the loss of supervised play in schools due to budget cuts—no recess and physical education. When kids lose the opportunities to engage in structured and unstructured play, they don’t learn to get along and work out their peer-to-peer issues.

    Teens are bombarded with violence and rudeness in the media they consume. Marketing is self-focused. It is all about what you deserve, want, and must have –raising the level of entitlement and selfishness to a new high. Religious education is waning, moral standards are relative, and many parents are ignorant as to what is happening online with their teens. Add to this the unwillingness of teens to “judge” someone or report bullying behavior and you have the potential for trouble.

    The result: A culture of teens who think meanness gets you a reality TV spot; imitation of violent and inappropriate behavior often glamorized in media; and unsupervised cyber behavior that is out of control.

    How many teens will commit suicide before we wake up and realize we don’t laugh when someone teases the underdog? We stand up to the bully using “the swarm” tactic. There is strength in numbers. We don’t sit by idly when someone is bullied because we don’t want to “judge” or rat on the person. We discipline our children for rude and mean behavior when they are young and stop making excuses for them. We control adult behavior so teens don’t model entitlement and meanness. We take a zero-tolerance approach to bullying and stop justifying it as an act of passage. We write complaint letters to irresponsible media distributors. We embarrass the bullies by making the public aware and outing them. We get online and check our teen’s social media. We are willing to report problems to authorities and encourage our teens to do the same.

  • Do You Have Mom Stress?

    Mom stands for Mother On the Move

    You wake up at 6:30 a.m. and feed the baby. The two preschoolers, Jack and Jill, wake up. The baby cries. Jill needs her bottom wiped, and Jack has just spilled his milk trying to be mom’s big-boy helper. The baby is still screaming. Jill’s out of the bathroom and has fallen on the step. Now she’s screaming. Jack, the helper, is dragging her to the “bandage place.” The baby stops crying, you reach down and place the bandage on Jill’s scraped knee. For one moment, everyone is silent. You take a deep breath, and it starts again. Jack is jumping up and down yelling, “The baby spit up all over mommy’s clothes.” He seems to be enjoying this! You look at your watch. You’ve only been up for an hour! Twenty-three more to go! Mom-stress is a way of life.

    You probably don’t know whether to laugh or cry if this is your life. I suggest you laugh because humor helps with stress. Mom-stress is a part of mothering. There never seems to be enough of us to go around. By the end of the day, sleep is our only friend.

    Being a mom is highly rewarding, but let’s admit it, it’s also stressful. Moms play multiple roles in a day–cook, taxi driver, homework monitor, nurse, emotional soother, etc. We run from thing to thing, never really having the time to complete anything well. We give so much of ourselves that we often don’t pay attention to our own bodies and to our need for revitalization.

    Stop what you are doing and look at this checklist. If you can’t check these things, you need a break. You can only go on empty so long.

    I have one hour to myself a day. I know this sounds impossible but take it. Pass off the kids to your spouse. Lock your door for 15 minutes. Sit in your closet and just think. Rest while the baby naps. Do something.

    I don’t have to live in a perfect house. OK – so your mother starched the kids’ shoelaces—who says you have to do the same? Learn to live with imperfection knowing that the day of clean houses will return in later years.

    I can say no. You don’t have to be superwoman and do everything you are asked to do. Tell the room mother you can’t bake those dozen cupcakes this week. Don’t apologize for setting limits.

    I am calm with my kids. A sure sign of stress is you yelling at everyone. If you are anxious, wound up and irritable, it’s time to take a walk. Get out of the house for a minute or get a sitter for an hour.

    I am enjoying my children. If all you can think about is the day they leave home, something needs to change. Maybe you have too much going on. You may need to re-think your priorities and scale down your activities.

    Don’t forget that under every mom is a woman in hiding. Find her and let her out once in awhile. She’ll help relieve mom-stress.

  • Video Games: Does the Violence Matter?

    We’ve come a long way from Pong and Pac Man when it comes to video games.  According to studies published in the April 2000 edition of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, violent video games can increase aggressive behavior.

    Here are the results. One study wanted to answer the question; if people are exposed to violent video games over time, will they show more aggression? The answer is yes. Not only did aggressive behavior increase with violent video playing, but so did delinquent behavior. This means that the more people played violent games, the more likely they were to be aggressive and delinquent-not a good outcome. This relationship was stronger in men and people with aggressive personality traits.

    In addition, academic achievement was poorer for those college students who had a long time history of playing video games (any kind of video game not just violent video games). College students were chosen for the study because they were old enough to have long -term histories of playing video games. While college students don’t represent all students, this information is still useful. Additional studies are needed to see if this same finding applies to high school kids as well.

    What should we learn from these studies? Playing video games may hamper academic achievement–not something most parents will be thrilled to hear. Secondly, aggression and delinquency can result from long term playing of violent video games-another negative finding.

    The concerns of many parents are real even though the media downplays the impact of these games on kids. Exposure to these games can increase aggressive behavior. These games aren’t just entertainment. They have the potential to harm. Let’s look to the research for answers and not listen to the opinions of those profiting from sales.

    Anderson, Craig A. & Dill, Karen E. (2000). Video games and aggressive thoughts, feelings, and behavior in the laboratory and in life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,78(4), 772790.

  • Do Something About Cyber-Bullying

    Because of the recent teen suicides reported in the news, our national attention has once again been focused on cyber-bullying. No longer do we worry about the loud mouth school bully who pushes kids in the hall and name calls. Now, the academically bright and capable kids can use cyberspace as a weapon for jealousy, envy, and shear meanness. Taunting others with text messages, Facebook slandering, and yes, throwing energy drinks in the face of hall walkers are just a few of the ways bullying now happens.

    Today’s bullies work in groups and focus their attention online. As they target specific kids, they are less overt than their predecessors and more anonymous given the cloak of cyberspace. Their methods include humiliating teens through gossip, rumor, videos, and nasty text messages. Bullying can be relentless because of 24/7 access to the Internet.
    No one really knows the direct causes of the rise of cyber-bullying but we can certainly speculate on what seems to make sense. For years, we have witnessed the loss of supervised play in schools due to budget cuts—no recess and physical education. When kids lose the opportunities to engage in structured and unstructured play, they don’t learn to get along and work out their peer-to-peer issues.

    Teens are bombarded with violence and rudeness in the media they consume.  Marketing is self-focused. It is all about what you deserve, want, and must have –raising the level of entitlement and selfishness to a new high. Religious education is waning, moral standards are relative, and many parents are ignorant as to what is happening online with their teens. Add to this the unwillingness of teens to “judge” someone or report bullying behavior and you have the potential for trouble.

    The result: A culture of teens who think meanness gets you a reality TV spot; imitation of violent and inappropriate behavior often glamorized in media; and unsupervised cyber behavior that is out of control.

    How many teens will commit suicide before we wake up and realize we don’t laugh when someone teases the underdog? We stand up to the bully using “the swarm” tactic.  There is strength in numbers. We don’t sit by idly when someone is bullied because we don’t want to “judge” or rat on the person. We discipline our children for rude and mean behavior when they are young and stop making excuses for them. We control adult behavior so teens don’t model entitlement and meanness. We take a zero-tolerance approach to bullying and stop justifying it as an act of passage. We write complaint letters to irresponsible media distributors. We embarrass the bullies by making the public aware and outing them. We get online and check our teen’s social media. We are willing to report problems to authorities and encourage our teens to do the same.

    What are your ideas to stop cyber bullying?

    ~ Dr. Linda

    Dr. Linda Mintle is the author of Raising Healthy Kids in an Unhealthy World. While the focus of this book is on children and weight control, the chapter on media also discusses the saturation of media our children face and the impact it has on their development.

  • Counteracting Lady GaGa’s Influence


    My 16-year-old daughter called me to the computer last night to watch something she saw online. It was Lady GaGa’s new nine and a half minute music video, “Telephone”, with Beyonce. The video skyrocketed to No. 1 on Billboard. My daughter was so disturbed by the video that she needed to talk about it. She couldn’t understand how Lady GaGa was allowed to prance around almost completely naked and be so disgusting. I watched the video. It was porn. I was shocked at the nudity and raunchiness, and am glad that my daughter was too! In a culture with high rates of pornography addiction, violence, eating disorders, depression, and anxiety, these videos only contribute to those problems. 

     

    It is getting increasingly more difficult to shield our teens from the onslaught of pornography and violence that characterize many music videos. The popularity of artists like Lady GaGa is mainstream. Just go into your youth group, ask the kids who sings “Poker Face” or “Just Dance”. They know and can sing you the lyrics. (I’ve done this exercise at many youth groups.)

     

    Youth groups need to address this trend of nudity, violence, and sexual objectification that is becoming the norm of teen viewing. Parents can’t fight this battle alone. We need the church to wake up to the onslaught of images that are assaulting our kids and desensitizing them to the things of God. Together, we must address how pop culture influences our teens. The conversation must be on-going and relevant. 


    Parents, get online and take a look at the top 10 music videos. Spend a few hours watching MTV.  Listen to lyrics of songs on iTunes and watch the movies your kids are renting. It will drive you to intercession and wake you up to the spiritual battle our teens face. Start discussing media in your family and talk about the impact of passively viewing sexual and violent media. Work with your teens to make godly choices and to resist temptation. And if you are struggling yourself, get help!

     

    Ask your youth group leaders to discuss media, lyrics and how much is too much. A number of months ago, I worked with a youth group and dissected the lyrics to Katie Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” song. The teens knew all the words but had not considered the message (same sex experimentation) in terms of how it might influence their thinking and Christian walk. It was a productive conversation. The church needs to work with families in this area and be another voice to reinforce Christian values and help teens question their exposure to certain media.

     

    While the battle seems overwhelming, our best defense is prayer. God is on our side. Pray, talk and be in the lives of your teens. They need all the help they can get.

     

    Are you and/or your teen’s youth group discussing pop culture, especially music?

    ~ Dr. Linda