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Could You Give Away the Family Pet?
I was sitting in church a few weeks ago when a guest speaker was talking about his family’s decision to give away their two small eight-year-old dogs. I could hardly listen to the story and the somewhat buried spiritual point because I couldn’t wrap my brain around giving away our family pet. When Teddy, our beloved miniature poodle, died at 16 years of age, the loss hit me hard. As the speaker continued to unfold the story of pet inconvenience, children going to college, and the lack of attention his pets were getting, I was trying hard not to judge, but to relate.
After Teddy died, I vowed not to get another family dog. Our family was too busy and often out of the house for long periods of the day. Having teenagers, I knew I would become the default caregiver despite my teens’ intentions to do their part. Against my better judgment, I conceded to getting a puppy. A few days in to it, I realized this was not a good idea and gave our dog, Zoe, to friends who had two of her siblings. The give-away lasted only a few days. I couldn’t do it. Feeling like Judas to that sweet little creature, we retrieved our dog. No matter the inconvenience, we were committed for life.
So I get this speaker who is trying to convince us all why his family wanted to give away their pets. But I couldn’t do it after a few days, and this family had their pets for eight years. It would be like giving away a child (two in this case)! OK, maybe not that intense. But what kind of person does this? (I’m judging again.)
Before I could confess my sin, redemption came. The speaker admitted that his family couldn’t do it. They cried, lost sleep, and rescinded the offer. I was so relieved. Now, I could take them off my prayer list.
Oh I know, some of you are thinking, we are talking animals here, what’s the big deal? The big deal is this: Attachment and commitment seem to be missing in our relationships (with pets or people). We find easy excuses as to why we want out or don’t want to commit.
Call me a shrink, but anyone who can give away a family pet for reasons of inconvenience has issues with attachment and commitment. You can certainly disagree and feel free to tell me your story, but the sermon made me think of how disposable relationships are in our culture.
When inconvenience and struggle are involved in any family relationship, are we too ready to cut the person off, get out of the marriage, or ditch our commitment? Working through the tough times of attachment and commitment are what lasting relationships require.
The next time you are completely frustrated with that family member, who you’d like to cut off, divorce or give away, think about all creatures big and small who need your unconditional love, patience, mercy, and grace to grow in intimacy and stay committed.
Honestly, could you give away the family pet?
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Why Do I Overeat?
Question: I know that when I overeat, I gain weight but I can’t seem to stop. I hate how I look and am embarrassed to have people see me in a bathing suit. Why do I keep overeating? I don’t want to but I do it anyway.
Dr. Linda: First of all stop saying you can’t stop. You can. It just takes becoming a mindful eater–the subject of my book, PRESS PAUSE BEFORE YOU EAT. An eating problem is not like a drug or alcohol problem. You can’t abstain from food and you aren’t physiologically addicted when you eat. But food can become a psychological addiction.
Let’s face it. Food is soothing and tastes good. Some people feel there is nothing better than food! It is always available, not illegal, can’t talk back, provides immediate gratification, gives pleasure, smells good, tastes good and is enjoyable.
People overeat for many reasons. A small percentage of people have medical problems that relate to overeating and obesity. Most people, however, overeat out of emotional distress. You may eat when you are bored, stressed, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, hurt, happy or for any other emotional reason. Food can be a way to celebrate or soothe and numb you from a bad experience.
Many of my clients overeat when they face conflict and don’t know how to handle it. They are unassertive and swallow their upsets. They might agree to a resolution but secretly be unhappy or upset. Their low self-esteem leads them to believe they can’t handle problems or stress. Sometimes they lack the skills necessary to do so.
Sometimes people overeat to protect themselves from trauma. If they have been raped, sexually hurt or deeply rejected, eating may be used to cover up the wounding or ward people off. Perhaps when they were thin, someone traumatized them and now they associate thin with trauma.
Men and women sometimes overeat to deal with sexual impulses. Unconsciously, they may be afraid that if they had a trim body they would act out sexually, or be the target of sexual advances. Fat can serve as protection and is often blamed for other undeveloped parts of our self. For example, maybe I’m a critical person and that’s why people stay away from me. As long as I’m fat, I can blame their avoidance on my weight.
Most people aren’t aware they use food to cope with emotional issues. When I ask, “Why did you overeat”, the typical answer is, “I don’t know.” If you think about it hard and long enough, there was a reason for overeating.Next time you find yourself overeating, think about what happened before you ate. Were you upset, angry, bored, excited? See if you can identify an emotion that may have led to overeating. The first step in breaking a compulsive pattern is to recognize what sets it off. Then force yourself to substitute some other activity for eating.
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Risk Factors for Eating Disorders
What causes eating disorders? This simple question has a complex answer. Families are mystified as to what makes a 16 year-old jeopardize her health. Friends are disgusted by the vomiting sounds heard in college dorm room bathrooms. Husbands are baffled by their wives seeming inability to love themselves. Why do women and men abuse their bodies with food?
An estimated 11 million people in Western society are afflicted. So, what are the risk factors for developing eating disorders? Researchers search for answers.
There is no one thing that predicts whether someone will submit to the bondage of these disorders. What we do know is that the causes are multiple, interactive and complex. No one factor stands alone. Keeping that in mind and knowing we don’t have definitive answers, here are some of the risk factors thought to lead to the predisposition and development of an eating disorder:
·History of a mood disorder (increased risk for bulimia) or family history of mood disorder
·Traumatic life events
·Genetics: Eating disorders do tend to run in families. Usually females are most affected. This may suggest that some people are predisposed to these disorders, but it certainly doesn’t eliminate the role other factors play. Research is currently being conducted looking carefully at the role of genetics. Heritable factors may be involved in the development of an eating disorder. However causation is difficult to determine given other contributing factors.
·Family history of substance abuse may increase the risk for bulimia
·Odd family eating habits and strong concern about appearance and weight may translate to family members
·Dissatisfaction with body and desire to be thin
·Dieting appears to be an entrée to an eating disorder.
·Normal development events such as the onset of puberty, leaving home, the beginning of a new relationship, particularly with the opposite sex.
·Repeated negative comments on appearance
·Emphasis on thinness among upper and middle class women and female adolescents
·Positive family history of eating disorders coupled with dieting
·Personality traits: For anorexia the risks include affective over control and intolerance, lack of self-direction and personal effectiveness, and difficulty adapting to developmental tasks. There is some evidence for the contribution of affective instability and poor impulse control in developing bulimia. -
The Social Stigma of Obesity
“She’s fat.” “He’s fat.” “You’re fat!” “I’m so fat.” How many times have we heard or said these phrases in our lifetime?
America’s obese are subject to tremendous psychological burdens. Obesity may be a medical state but people create the psychological burden associated with it. Often, the pain involves self-hatred that can lead to depression and anxiety, social isolation and alienation.
There is unbelievable social bias toward the obese. Obese people are stereotyped and often viewed as ugly, lazy, unwanted, unhealthy, weak-willed, uncontrolled, etc. If you are obese, you are less likely to marry and more likely to fall in social class. You are likely to be discriminated against concerning jobs, college entrance and be stereotyped by your physician. Basically you are stigmatized by an unsympathetic society; we’re “allowed” to discriminate against you. Fat jokes abound. But what does it mean medically to be obese?
Obesity is an excess of body fat. Little agreement exists on just when body fat and weight become a health issue. (Opinions range anywhere from 5% to 30% above ideal weight.) And to make matters worse, a variety of tables are used to measure ideal weights. Researchers use the body mass index (BMI) as a measure of body fat and health risk. BMI is weight in kilograms per height in meters. The National Center for Health Statistics defines overweight as a BMI of 27.3 in women and 27.8 in men. Obesity is a BMI of 30 and over. Obesity is referred to as a public health issue because of the associated medical complications leading to morbidity and mortality.
Obesity is not a psychological condition. It’s a medical condition that has multiple causes, consequences, and treatments. However, obesity can cause or be caused by psychosocial problems. So to ignore these issues is irresponsible.
Moreover, the stigma against obese people must be attacked. The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance is one advocacy group trying to do this. Other programs focus efforts on recognizing the stigma, preparing obese people to respond to it, and repairing the damage to self-esteem.
The next time you are tempted to make fun of someone obese, think about the incredible complexity of his condition and your role in reducing social stigma. You don’t know an obese person’s life story or unique medical make-up. You don’t know how much he may struggle to be accepted. Stop judging and adding insult to injury. People need to be encouraged to make better choices, not ridiculed. Weight loss is hard work . So next time you see someone overweight, be kind and know that plenty of people will give them a hard time. You do not need to be one of them.
