Dr. Linda Mintle

Blog

  • Sources of Single Parent Stress

    Single parent families are more common today than intact nuclear families. Therefore, we need to be more in tune with the issues single parents face. A father, mother, grandparent, aunt, uncle or other family member can head these families.

    No matter who parents, all single parents face similar stress. In order to better support single parents, sources of stress should be identified. Support is a buffer against stress and can be offered by other parents, friends, churches and family members.

    So what are the unique challenges of being a single parent?

    · Single parents have no other parent to act as a buffer—someone to take the kids for a few hours, share discipline or talk through a difficult situation.

    One women recently shared her frustration of trying to help her four-year-old daughter deal with a soccer coach. The child felt the coach was mean. After a long day of carting children to sports activities and not being able to attend the daughter’s complete game, the mom didn’t know if her child was overreacting because she missed her dad, or whether the coach really was a problem. When married, the husband handled coaches. Exhausted from the day, unsure of what her daughter needed, she longed for someone to talk to about the coach or just take care of the situation. It was a small thing, but felt big at the end of a full day.

    · Single parents are solely responsible for the household. Some single parents carry the entire financial burden, others have to contend with partial or late payments, and still others deal with a lower standard of living because of dual child-rearing households. Single parents do it all–pay the bills, stay home for the cable guy, work on the car, help with homework, baths, whatever it takes to keep the household running. They are responsible for making sure everything works.

    · Single parents deal with on-going custody and visitation issues. The amount of stress in this area ranges from virtual none to severe depending on how cooperative parents are about these issues post divorce.

    · Parental conflict can continue long after a divorce. Couples are forced to work together for the good of their children. Some do a better job than others.

    · Because of work and household demands, there is usually less time for single parents to spend with children.

    · Single parents have to deal with the aftermath of divorce as it affects school performance and peer relationships.

    · Extended family relationships are disrupted because of divorce, and single parents must figure out how and if these relationships will continue.

    · Single parents have to contend with dating and new relationships. This can create problems if children are not ready to embrace new people into the family system.

    This list only touches on some of the issues single parents regularly face. It is easy for single parents to become overwhelmed because of all that is needed and expected. Single parents don’t want your pity or judgment. But can use your support. Pray for single parents, that God will give them the grace and strength to handle all that is before them.  Then offer your support in a tangible way—give them a few hours break, be available to talk, carpool kids, etc. A little help goes a long way.

  • Help Your Kids by Resolving Conflict

    Brian isn’t doing too well with his parents’ divorce. Lately he’s showing more aggressive behavior. His divorced parents, Sam and Sue, are concerned about his behavior and seek help. The therapist tells them that their unresolved conflict is causing Brian problems. They have difficulty talking about their son without blaming and fighting each other. They can’t parent because they are too busy demolishing each others character.

    Divorce didn’t solve their conflicts and Brian is still caught in the crossfire of two people who haven’t learned be civil to one another despite their differences. Brian’s behavior is a response to their constant fighting.

    Most of you are concerned about the effects of divorce, separation and remarriage on the adjustment of your children. You want to do whatever possible to help them adjust. You already feel guilty about putting children through the ordeal of divorce.

    A good place to start is to reduce the conflict between you and your ex-spouse. I know you are thinking, “ If I could do this, I wouldn’t be divorced!” Possibly, but you still have to work on it for the sake of your kids.

    So how do you work on conflict reduction with a difficult parent partner? First, you both agree that your unresolved feelings for each other must get resolved. If this means you need to see someone in therapy, do it. Your child’s adjustment is at stake.

    The surprise for many couples is that divorce didn’t make all those negative feelings go away. The feelings stayed. You just left. Conflict between you and your ex must be resolved because it affects your ability to parent. It is very difficult to make rational decisions concerning your child when you feel negatively towards your ex-spouse. It is no secret that parents unconsciously fight with each other through their kids despite knowing they shouldn’t do this.

    My suggestion: Work in therapy with a marital therapist who will help you exercise grace and forgiveness towards your ex. It’s time to bury the multiple hatchets. It doesn’t matter how wrong you’ve been treated. God tells us to forgive and let go. He forgives you when you don’t deserve it. Now do the same with your ex.

    Remind yourself that no matter how you feel about your ex, he/she is your child’s parent. That fact doesn’t change. Help your child see you can have positive exchanges around parenting issues.  It will help build positive feelings in the child as well.

    Always keep in mind that you are doing this to please God and help your children. Your walk with the Lord is of utmost importance. If you hold on to old stuff, you’ll create roadblocks in your intimate relationship with God and others.

    Humility is often needed. Putting your needs aside for the sake of your children may require sacrifice. With God’s help, you can do it.

  • Divorce and Family Vacations

    Summer and holidays can be a time of challenge for children of divorce. It may be unsettling for a child to vacation with a non-custodial parent. From the child’s point of view, he/she will be in strange places, with strange people, with a parent less familiar with daily habits and needs. This may create some fear and anxiety about the vacation time.

    So if you are a non-custodial parent planning a vacation with your child, or you have custody and are wondering how to prepare your child to be with the non-custodial parent, here are some suggestions to make your child feel more comfortable.

    #1–You and the non-custodial parent make vacation plans for your child together. As incredible as this sounds, it will be easier on your child if you both work together. Arrangements should be made in advance and agreed upon.

    #2–The itinerary for the trip must be shared. The custodial parent needs to know where the child will be–phone numbers and addresses. I know some non-custodial parents resist this idea but in case of an emergency, the custodial parent needs to know how to find his/her child.

    #3–Send copies of important medical information on the trip. The non-custodial parent needs to know how to handle a medical emergency or problem and have the pediatrician’s phone number, insurance information and medical records.

    #4–Be careful not to put guilt on your child. Your child should never be made to feel guilty because he/she is going on vacation with the other parent.

    #5–Work out any disagreements about the vacation away from the child before the vacation. Don’t put your child in the middle of disagreements between you and your ex.

    #6–Plan for separation anxiety. Send a photo with your child. Include his/her favorite blanket, pillow, animal or toy. Discuss ways to communicate–email, telephone, post cards or letters.

    #7–Be positive about the vacation. Talk nicely about the non-custodial parent and help your child anticipate a great time.

    #8–Normalize fears and anxiety. Tell your child it’s normal to feel a little anxious. Hopefully, that anxiety will fade as the trip progresses.

    #9–Send a camera and smile at the time of pick-up. Now is not the time to bring up unresolved issues with your ex.

    #10–Pray. Keep the non-custodial parent and the vacation on your prayer list. Pray for protection and positive interactions between parent and child.

  • Video Games: Does the Violence Matter?

    We’ve come a long way from Pong and Pac Man when it comes to video games.  According to studies published in the April 2000 edition of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, violent video games can increase aggressive behavior.

    Here are the results. One study wanted to answer the question; if people are exposed to violent video games over time, will they show more aggression? The answer is yes. Not only did aggressive behavior increase with violent video playing, but so did delinquent behavior. This means that the more people played violent games, the more likely they were to be aggressive and delinquent-not a good outcome. This relationship was stronger in men and people with aggressive personality traits.

    In addition, academic achievement was poorer for those college students who had a long time history of playing video games (any kind of video game not just violent video games). College students were chosen for the study because they were old enough to have long -term histories of playing video games. While college students don’t represent all students, this information is still useful. Additional studies are needed to see if this same finding applies to high school kids as well.

    What should we learn from these studies? Playing video games may hamper academic achievement–not something most parents will be thrilled to hear. Secondly, aggression and delinquency can result from long term playing of violent video games-another negative finding.

    The concerns of many parents are real even though the media downplays the impact of these games on kids. Exposure to these games can increase aggressive behavior. These games aren’t just entertainment. They have the potential to harm. Let’s look to the research for answers and not listen to the opinions of those profiting from sales.

    Anderson, Craig A. & Dill, Karen E. (2000). Video games and aggressive thoughts, feelings, and behavior in the laboratory and in life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,78(4), 772790.

  • Transition to Parenthood: Marital Friendship Reduces Stress

    The transition to parenthood, even when desired, is not easy for most couples. We know from previous research that marriages are vulnerable following the birth of a baby. Marital satisfaction usually decreases. Couples face more conflict and usually have less positive communication. The question then is what helps couples prevent this normal developmental change from becoming so stressful?

    Researchers Shapiro and Gottman attempted to find out by studying a group of couples who did and did not have children during the first six years of marriage. What they found reinforced previous research– wives who had children reported less marital satisfaction than wives who did not become parents. The lowered satisfaction rates for over half the wives occurred a year after birth. For a small percentage (15%), satisfaction decreased two years post-birth.

    Husbands who had children were also less satisfied with their marriages compared to those who did not have children. However, the difference between the two groups of husbands was not significant.

    The researchers also studied the group of couples who became parents but remained stable or increased on measures of marital satisfaction. What was different about these couples? What was it that helped buffer the stress of having a new baby?

    What they found was interesting. Marital friendship was key and included these two things: 1) Spouses had a level of awareness about their partner, his/her life and the couple relationship 2) Husbands admired and were fond of their wives. Marital friendship seemed to ward off the stress of transition to parenthood.

    So if you want to buffer your marital relationship from stress, build your friendship. Focus on things you admire and respect about your spouse. Get to know your spouses’ interests, go on dates, talk, have fun together and enjoy each others company.

    Like most friendships, the more time you spend getting to intimately know the person, the deeper the friendship can go. And in marriage, close friendship has a positive effect on countering stress.