Dr. Linda Mintle

Blog

  • Singles: Naughty or Nice?


    “Hey, compared to the movies, I’m nice!”

    Dr Linda Helps – “I was married before so it’s unrealistic to expect me not to have sex.”

    “Everyone in the singles group sleeps around.”

    “I’m 40 years old and just want to be bad for awhile.”

    “I’m so inexperienced, it will be a problem.”

    “Surely God doesn’t expect me to go through life without sex.”

    “Sexual sin is not unforgivable.”

    “God made me sexual. It would be a cruel joke not to act on it.”

    “Is it realistic to be a virgin?”

    “We did everything but intercourse. I think that’s OK.”

    “We had oral sex. That doesn’t count.”

    “I know it’s wrong but…”

    “If you love someone sex is OK.”

    Raise your hand if you identify with any of these comments. They come from Christian singles. OK put your hand down and let’s talk. Many Christian singles (and married people for that matter) have lowered their sexual standards. They have allowed the thinking of the culture to seep into the church and their personal lives. As a result, sin gets redefined.

    Don’t compare your sexual behavior to that of Jerry Springer’s guests, soap opera stars, FRIENDS (TV or the real deal), your neighbors or your boss. Because if you do, you‘ll look like an angel.
    You need to compare your behavior to the Word of God. What does the Bible say about sex outside of marriage? It says don’t do it. We’ve got standards to uphold regardless of how out of date they may appear.

    God didn’t give us these standards to punish us or make us suffer. He created sex and is fully aware of the oneness of union that happens when two people become sexually involved. He knows that the oneness operates best in the context of marriage.

    Now I realize staying sexually pure is a tough thing to do in today’s climate. You are bombarded by sexual images and temptations daily. The amount of sexual material that you encounter just living your life gives new meaning to the idea of guarding your thoughts. It is an incredibly difficult task to guard your heart and mind.

    So prepare yourself to resist temptation. God wouldn’t ask you to do something and then not equip you to do it. It’s a tough assignment in today’s market to live up to biblical standards, but it’s not impossible.

  • Holiday Family Angst

    It’s that time of year again when most of us consider the trek home to join the family fun. For many, it’s a trip into dysfunction, raising anxiety levels. Family get-togethers can create holiday angst–a gift worth not giving!

    Most of my therapy discussion this time of year centers on helping people prepare for family get-togethers. My first piece of advice is this: do not idealize family relations. Unless you’ve all been in intensive therapy for a while, the family dance is not that different from years passed. Grandpa will still drink too much. Aunt Mary will be critical of the turkey. And Uncle Bob will be as obnoxious as ever. If you approach your family problems realistically, you can better prepare your reactions.

    Here are tips to prepare for holiday family encounters:

    1) Focus on your reaction. It is the only thing you can control. If you want change then don’t react the same way. For example, if Uncle Jim corners you ever year and lambastes you for your political views and you respond with anger that leads to a fight, try a new response like this, “Uncle Jim, I can see you feel strongly about your views. That’s great!” Don’t argue. Drop it and diffuse him.

    2) Ahead of the visit, identify the family patterns that usually cause you stress. Think of new ways to react to those patterns. For example, mom complains about your sister to you. Instead of talking with her about your sister like you usually do, say, “Mom you need to talk to my sister about this. I don’t want to be in the middle.” Keep redirecting her back to your sister no matter how enticing she makes the conversation. Get out of the middle of conflict. This is called being in a family triangle. You don’t want to be there!

    3) Set limits if there are serious family problems. For example, if there is a history of abuse, be clear about boundaries. Or if drinking gets out of hand, leave. You are not a child anymore. You can set appropriate boundaries. If they are crossed, confront the behavior and if necessary leave.

    4) Stay near by and not in your parents’ house. This is a strategy that has worked for many of my clients. You have more control when you can come and go. And you have time away to regroup and think about what is happening.

    5) Be a model of grace and forgiveness. If you are a Christian, you may have to extend both several times during a visit. This doesn’t mean you allow people to walk all over you. It means when people treat you poorly, address it, extend grace and forgive. Don’t wait for them to do so first.

    6) Finally, choose one thing you will do differently this year that will help make things better. Don’t try to change everything at once. Focus on one behavior. Small changes add up through the years.

  • Preventing Holiday Weight Gain

    It’s the holiday season! And as someone who has treated compulsive overeaters for years, I know how difficult this time of year can be. From Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day, food abounds–delightful treats, tempting sweets, beautifully arranged food baskets, and the always-welcomed to die for gourmet chocolates. It’s enough to send even the most controlled person into an eating frenzy!

    But of course this sumptuous time of year comes with a price—those extra pounds we all dread and fear. The big questions is, “Can I get through the holiday eating season without putting on the 5-10 pounds everyone talks about?” Forget the dream of a white Christmas, I’m hoping for a light Christmas!

    Good news (in addition to the birth of Christ)! Most people don’t gain all that extra weight. Researchers at the National Institutes of Health conducted a study two years ago and found that most people tend to gain about 1.05 pounds during the holiday eating season. Now don’t start diving into the fruitcake just yet. There is more to this wonderful story.

    Even though the gain is less than imagined, the weight is harder to lose. Why? Because we are less active during this time of year. Over time, that extra pound here and there contributes to a steady weight gain. And, if you are someone who is overweight (that would include half of Americans), the weight gain is usually worse than the predicted pound.

    So what does all this suggest? Pace yourself! You simply can’t give in to all the goodies that pass your office desk. Take a piece of the delicious stuff and move on. Stay active with exercise during this time and try these pound saving tips!

    • Don’t go hungry to party events. Drink a glass of water or eat a small piece of fruit before you go. A ravenous appetite makes it hard to resist the seductive presentation of holiday foods.

    • Find the vegetable tray and stay close to it. If you feel the urge to nibble, hang out next to the low cal options and nibble away!

    • Bring a low cal food item to an event. If you do, you know there will be a healthy choice.

    • Focus on people at the event and not the food. Try to mingle and be involve in conversation instead of isolating yourself at food tables.

    • Try not to eat because you feel uncomfortable or anxious. Food events are social events. Sometimes people eat to decrease anxiety. Prepare a strategy ahead of time to handle those anxious feelings. “If I begin to feel anxious or uncomfortable, I will…”

    • If you overdo it, don’t get crazy. Just regroup after the event and cut back at the next few meals. Too many people say, “Oh I really blew it so I might as well continue to eat.” That’s the wrong approach. Instead say, “OK I blew it but I can fix this. I’ll cut back on the next few meals.”

  • Parents’ Guide to ADHD Treatment

    How do you as a parent make sense of all the claims and therapies suggested for AD/HD children today? There are numerous AD/HD “treatments” without scientific evidence to back them. Although unscientific, they appeal because we don’t want to medicate our children unless it’s absolutely necessary.

    The goal of treatment is to help a child function at his/her absolute best. Therefore, treatment needs to be tailored to the individual child. The same thing doesn’t work for every child given his/her unique chemistry, personality and abilities. The best approach is a comprehensive one in which cognitive-behavior therapy and behavioral management are teamed with parent education, social skills training and family support services. Medication may be needed and given in conjunction with other therapies.

    Standard treatment is usually a combination of stimulant medication and psychotherapy. Stimulant medication affects the part of the brain that regulates activity. If the diagnosis is accurate, you see immediate improvement in completing schoolwork, paying attention and controlling impulses.

    So far, there are no serious long-term effects of placing children on these stimulants. However, we don’t know how safe they are for children under the age of six. We also don’t know the impact of psychotropic medications on the developing brain of a child.

    Therapy usually focuses on helping parents understand the disorder and what they can do to help their child. Children often feel relieved to know that they aren’t “bad” kids but kids in need of assistance. Parents are taught to design behavior programs that help their child understand rules and spell out clear and consistent rewards and consequences. For example, AD/HD kids are helped when things are written down and defined.

    Treatment is important. We know that any mental health condition left untreated can lead to serious problems. Don’t let you health insurance policy dictate the treatment. Those who give authorization may insist you go to a physician and place your child on medication before you try anything else. Sometimes, they won’t pay for anything but medication. Don’t let them limit your options. Your child may need something different or something more.

    Let’s review:

    Step 1: Get a proper diagnosis – work with a team of professionals who can discriminate AD/HD from other medical and mental health issues.

    Step 2: Collaborate as a team -pediatricians, psychologists, teachers, parents, principals, and anyone working with your child. Strategize together for the best interventions.

    Step 3: Don’t be forced into a “medication only” solution. In many cases this is inappropriate but pushed because it is an easy solution.

    Step 4: Learn about behavioral treatments, support groups and psychotherapy so you can tailor treatment to your child. For example, one organization that offers tremendous support is CHADD (Children With Attention Deficit Disorders).

    Step 5: Be wary of treatments that promise miraculous success but have no scientific proof to back claims. There is a plethora of ideas and “cures” on the popular market. There are also a number of people making treatment claims who can’t back them up with any data. Before you spend money on any of these claims, ask to see the scientific literature behind them.

  • What do Kids Worry About?

    01 Dr. Linda Kids and Worry

    When researchers interviewed kids, here is what they found:

    Researchers Silverman, LaGreca and Wasserstein (1995) decided to study the normal worries of schoolchildren between the ages of 7 and 12 years. They interviewed 273 schoolchildren and asked them about 14 areas of worry. When a child identified a specific area of worry, the researchers asked more detailed questions. Here’s what they found.

    –The average number of worries per child was 7.64 and covered a wide range of topics but most worried about health, school and personal harm.

    –The most frequent worries were about family, classmates and friends.

    –The most intense worries were about war, money and disasters.

    –Children’s worries related somewhat to anxiety.

    Another community study (Henker, Whalen, & O’Neil, 1995) interviewed 194 children in grades four through eight to find out their worries and risk perceptions about health and the environment. These kids identified concerns about personal issues (e.g., grades), social relations, death and social issues such as homelessness and the environment.

    When you ask kids what they would like to change the most in their lives, the answer is frequently to have parents who are less stressed and tired. Children are reacting to what researchers Miller and Rahe have documented–stress has increased 45% over the past 30 years.

    Information about normal childhood worries also helps us understand the role of worry in children developing anxiety disorders. Weems, Silverman and La Greca (2000) took the normative data on childhood worries and compared it to anxious children referred to specialty clinics. When they did, they found that clinic kids worried about similar concerns. However, anxious kids tend to worry more often, more intensely and more of the time.

    As parents, we need to seriously think of ways to decrease the stress in our homes. Kids need down time and an opportunity to practice relaxation. If you find yourselves running from event to event, it’s time to slow down and rethink priorities. Both you and your children will benefit from the changes.