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Jessica revealed to her small church group that she struggles with depression. She is one in five people who will be diagnosed with a mental health disorder this year. And if she doesn’t address her depression, she could be one of ten who will end up being hospitalized some time in their lives.

Anxiety, depression and trauma related problems are the most common of all mental health disorders. They affect millions of people in our country including those sitting in our pews. So, what protects us from becoming one of the statistics? What prevents one person from rising up when trouble presents, and another from becoming gripped with anxiety or sadness? Don’t we all share the same Bible?

While we don’t have clear explanations regarding who will develop mental disorders, we do know that the cause is often a combination of genetic and non-genetic risk factors that cumulate or come together in such a way that places a person at risk. This is why some people can grow up in a highly dysfunctional environment and still become mentally healthy. Or while someone else struggles with even the smallest frustration.

Consider anxiety and depression: Your genetics play a role–about a 30-40% risk factor. And that number is even higher when it comes to substance use (50-60%). What this means, for example, is that someone predisposed to substance abuse genetically, may develop the problem if put in the wrong environment and exposed to high risk factors. Another person, with no genetic risk factors, may not.  But we aren’t victims of our genetics or environments.

God’s Word is a constant reminder of His promises and needs to be a daily part of renewing our minds. Mind renewal is a protective factor that helps build resiliency in people. Our intimacy with Christ gives us power, love and a strong mind.

In addition, there are other protective factors and steps that can be taken in churches to help prevent mental illness:

1. Religion and religious activity: Freud was wrong when he asserted that religion was nothing more than a massive neurosis. Strong religious beliefs are a protective factor when it comes to mental health. Study after study supports the idea that religion helps people heal in so many areas. According to the Handbook of Religion and Health (2001), religion impacts mental health in these ways: It provides purpose and meaning in a person’s life. Religion provides people with hope and brings community. Furthermore, religion positively impacts marital satisfaction and stability. It reduces substance use, suicide, anxiety and fear and delinquency. Overall, religious involvement is related to better mental health, better social health and better physical health.
2. Social support and safe communities: People who are part of a supportive community and feel a sense of safety in their community do better with their mental health than those who are isolated. Having an environment of support when difficulties come, helps a person overcome problems and build resilience. Without support and safety, we can easily give in to the pressures around us or begin to think in ways that are not healthy. Our mind can wander away from the truth if left unchecked. This is why gathering as a church body is so important. Make the church a friendly place to be, warm and inviting. Then, connect people to small groups or areas of interest so that they can become part of a safe community and feel supported.
3. Family connectiveness: Children who grow up with a secure attachment to their parents develop a good sense of self-esteem and self-image. This secure attachment also builds a person’s social skills. When a child knows his or her parent is available and responsive to needs, this brings security and calm in the middle of stress. Security helps build trust and empathy for others as well.  On the other hand, children who grow up with parents who are emotionally or physically unavailable, develop insecure attachments, needing lots of reassurance and support. And those who grow up with parents who are in high conflict, abusive or neglectful, often experience insecurity and anger leading to more disconnection in their relationships. This is a risk factor for mental health problems. The question is, can the church contribute to a person’s sense of security? Unhealthy leadership only reinforces those with insecurity and disconnection. But healthy leadership provides a place of safety for people to grow with others. A healthy church body can provide a corrective experience for those in need of a safe place to interact with others. A Sunday School teacher who cares, a small group leader who is responsive to needs and leaders who are compassionate and responsive also play a role in correcting negative experiences.
4. Safe maternal behavior during pregnancy: The best prevention against mental health problems is to begin early in life, i.e., in utero. Healthy fetal development is related to a child’s physical health, but also to a mother’s mental health. Mental health issues in the mom can impact low birth weight and increase the risk of medical complications. A 2010 study by Dr. Kathryn Abel found a connection between low birth rate and later risk for a child to develop mental health problems. Giving a child a good start in life by taking care of mom’s physical body and managing stress during pregnancy impact the health and future mental health of children. Mothers who drink, smoke and don’t have good nutrition and care place a child at risk. Thus, caring for moms will go a long way to help a child and protect against poor mental health. This is one reason why nursery care, junior church and Sunday School are so important for families. The more we can attend to moms and dads, the more we help them and the next generation.
5. Coping skills for stress and problem-solving: The Bible is filled with prescriptions for healthy coping. Life problems will come, but a person who can problem-solve and cope will lessen their own risk of developing mental health issues. So, church leaders and small group leaders can focus on the application of the Word of God to all kinds of life problems. When problems come, instead of turning to unhealthy distractions or finding ways to escape life, the Bible is a prescriptive guide to walk people through life. This is why discipleship is so important.

In sum, church goers aren’t victims of genetics and life circumstances. They may have factors of high risk either genetically or environmentally, but they can mitigate risk by choices they make as they align with the Word of God through connecting to their church community. It is our job to help people in the church by making the church a supportive and safe community, providing a sense of connection, attending to families and early child care and teaching biblical coping skills for life problems. Churches that put these factors in place are helping people walk in strong mental health.

Sipping my morning latte, my screens are filled with images of war. People fleeing Ukraine. Children being bombed. Elderly people displaced and most disturbing, a mass grave in which bodies are dumped. It’s all so distressing. Innocent people suffer. One day, people were going to the grocery store just like you and I, and the next, they are invaded and fearful for their lives.

Social media are flooded with cries for help. TikTok videos are tagged with #ukrainewar and more. Never in history has war been delivered to all our devices in such graphic ways. It forces us to pay attention, to not ignore what is happening thousands of miles away.

But how does one reconcile watching war and going about daily life in America? How do you process such disturbing images?

For years we have researched how watching trauma influences mental health. The more you watch, the more stress and symptoms of post-traumatic stress (PTSD) are possible. And data show that even physical health problems can develop years later.

Believe it or not, trauma can be experienced just by watching it. And in today’s world, graphic images of violence and trauma are no longer screened at an editor’s desk. People post. Millions of viewers follow. Everything is available in the world of social media. And misinformation spreads like wildfire, too often making things sound worse than they truly are.

Media violence has been shown to negatively affect physical and mental health. We know from neuroscience that viewing violence activates parts of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, including aggression. Multiple studies have determined that viewing violence puts people at risk for aggression, anger, and a loss of empathy. The more violence we see, the more that violence is recorded in our head and then we accept more open attitudes about aggression. Think of it like a camera flash each time you see violent images. Those images are stored.  Your body is aroused and memory is imbedded in your brain. More emotion, stronger the memories linger behind.

And news media know we pay attention to emotionally charged material. Ratings soar. The more we attend to emotionally charged content, we somehow think we are protecting our own survival. So, more stories cover the most graphic and horrific events. And, just to state the obvious, media outlets do not monitor your mental health!

If you are prone to anxiety, you may seek out crisis coverage which only fuels more distress.  Filling your brain with so many graphic and disturbing images will increase anxiety. However, if you have a loved one in Ukraine or ties to people you know, following the  war can make you feel less disorientated and somehow in the moment.

The bottom line is that watching war and violent media images impact us physically and emotionally. If you find yourself having nightmares, intrusive thoughts, anxious feelings or problems with sleep, it’s time to make a few changes.

What to do: 

1. Limit your exposure. To know if you need to do this, pay attention to how you feel when watching violent images of war or other crises. If you are anxious or feeling stressed, stop watching. Think about the impact this is having on you. If you find yourself feeling increased stress going about your daily routine, cut down your viewing. Minute-to-minute updates are not for you.
2. Find other ways to stay engaged. Donate money to organizations helping war victims; support those in your community who have ties to relatives and friends in the war zone; and stand up for those who need a voice.  Taking action is proactive and brings a sense of purpose. Once you understand the conflict of war, engage in proactive ways to help the victims.
3. Monitor your children. Children in elementary school should not be watching graphic images of war. They are too frightening and children don’t have the mental capacity to process those images. They can easily develop fears that are out of proportion to their lives. With older children, watch the news with them and discuss what is being seen, your values and how to response to such horror. Discuss questions like, “How do we help those in need? What should our response be?” Certainly this can lead to fruitful conversations about suffering and faith.
4. Get active in other ways. Exercise, go outdoors for a walk, take a class and give yourself a mental health break from the doom and gloom available 24-7. Physical activity is a stress reducer and activates mood enhancing hormones.
5. Pray. Direct your energy to prayer. Take your compassion for the hurting directly to God. Prayer makes a difference. People report feeling the impact of prayer. They need and appreciate our prayers. God can move powerfully in the worst of circumstances.
6. Encourage each other in the faith. We hear more and more stories of miraculous interventions in Ukraine. Reports of how God protected a person or used someone divinely to help rescue others. Add these faith building stories to your life. Keep hope alive. Hope in God. Hope keeps us going. It reduces stress and focuses our mind on what is possible.
7. Discuss suffering and evil in the world from a faith perspective. You will not hear these conversations on most media outlets. However, those of the Christian faith understand the spiritual dimension of evil and how it will play its hand in this world. Now is the time to talk about such things with your family and children. What is the Christian response to evil? How to we stay compassionate despite evil dictators? Why do good people suffer? We need to provide answers from a biblical perspective.

Overall, consider how much stress and uncertainty continue to invade our lives–shootings, a pandemic, racial unrest and war. Over time, these stresses can add up if you are not mindful of how you manage these difficult issues. Your faith is an anchor. It provides respite in a time of storm. Don’t forget to activate faith in order to reduce the stress.

Two adult sisters sat in my therapy office. They hadn’t spoken to each other for over 6 months due to a conflict that began when their mom died. What quickly became evident was that they were stuck in old patterns of relating to each other as kids. Their complicated history was playing out before my eyes in adult time. They were behaving as if they were back in their old childhood roles. The 9-year-old sister was seeking validation from her 11-year-old sibling. “You never…” “Mom favored you…” Years of pent up feelings were spilling out. And the older sister was not going to give her that sought after validation.

When you train to become a family therapist, you are required to work on your own family issues. Coming from a large family (my mom was one of eight siblings and my dad, one of seven), there was lots of drama. Conflict was frequent, but somehow love gave way to differences. I was taught, no matter how crazy a family member acts, they are sill family. Find a way to get along. Accept the flaws as these connections are powerful. This strong message probably motivated me to become a family therapist. Despite the problems we each bring to a family system, the benefits of connection outweigh the problems in most cases. Despite our differences, I know that during a crisis, my family will rally.

So back to the two adult siblings in my office. Much of what seemed present moment was really rooted in the past. Unresolved interpersonal feelings have a way of reappearing during family crises. In part, this is because siblings grow up in the same family, but have very different experiences. And typically, there is little understanding of what the other sibling experienced that was different.

Same family, two different experiences

Thus, a good starting point is to discuss (with a listening ear ) a difficult memory. How did your sibling experience that event? Here is a personal example. When my brother was killed in a plane crash years ago, I have no recollection of my middle brother being present when the news was delivered by the Army officer. It wasn’t until we talked years later that I realized he was involved. For years, I thought he was not engaged during a time of loss. I had no memory of him comforting me. We had very different memories of the same event. That trauma impacted both of us in different ways. Talking about it connected our stories. It helped us better understand each other.

As adults, you can discuss memories that may have created hurt. Talking about those experiences from an adult perspective can be enlightening. It may even result in an apology. And it could lead to making amends. Once you realize your perspectives may be different despite growing up in the same household, you build empathy.

Regressing to former roles

Second, realize that when you are with your adult sibling, you often regressed to old family pattern. With awareness, you can change this. You are now an adult and can react differently to stress and confllict. You don’t have to become 11-years-old again. To change the pattern, think how you currently respond to a boss, co-worker, or adult friends. What is different? Do you need to employ those grown-up relationship skills to your siblings? Doing so can change the old pattern. And learning to recognize those old patterns helps to change them. For example, you might say, “I am acting like dad’s favorite right now. I know how much that bothered you growing up. Sorry.”

Make amends

I mentioned how revisiting past stories can bring up old hurts. Saying, “I had no idea you felt that way” goes a long way. As hard as it is, revisiting long-standing conflict in order to resolve it will improve present day relationships. In some cases, a sibling may need additional help to overcome the impact of early wounds–a sibling who didn’t protect her from abuse, a sibling who verbally abused you because he or she was being abused, etc. The root of those behaviors needs to be explored and healed. We are heavily influenced by how our original families treated us, but we don’t have to stay stuck in those patterns.

Sometimes, siblings won’t make amends. Then you do the hard work of loving them as Christ would–unconditionally. In some cases, you may not become close but might be able to at least bury the hatchet. Forgive generously and extend grace. Don’t wait for the other person to begin the process. And if you efforts to reconcile fail and the sibling is acting out, put on boundaries. You are no longer that helpless child.

Agree on how to move forward

If you can make the repair needed, look forward. How can you interact now as adults and stay connected? What common ground do you have? What can you agree on to stay connected– an occasional call, dinner together, support for other family members, etc.? Can you agree to avoid painful touch points? We all know we don’t choose our family members? But God chose them and put us in those relationships. Healing comes when you do the hard things Jesus instructed us to do…love our enemies, pray for those who spitefully use us, bless those who curse us, and forgive even when forgives isn’t sought. When you do these things, you will be at peace even if the other person is not.

Love unconditionally

Look, there was lots of drama in my parents’ families among the siblings. When you have 15 aunts and uncles and all the cousins involved, conflict happens. There were lots of disagreement and sometimes acting out. But at the end of the day, the love of Christ prevailed. There were hugs, apologies, unconditional acceptance and above all love. In the words of my mom, ” I know some of my siblings are a little crazy at times, but they are family.” When  times get tough, love takes over. We share life together and know each other well.  So while I could list all the flaws of each family member, I choose love, instead.  At times, this love is challenging because there is hurt involved. But working through the hurt alone or together, I want my siblings in my life. And that is a decision we each have to make.

The work world has changed. Probably, forever. The pandemic forced us to work from home. From a computer. Forget the desk. Forget the dressing-to-please. All you need is to be Zoom-appropriate. So, many Americans are now seriously re-thinking how and where they want to work. Or even if  we want to re-engage.

Let’s consider this: What is it about your job that makes you like or dislike it? Your boss? The culture in the office?  Leaders set the tone and create an atmosphere that is enjoyable or not so much. So what are those things that make you say, “I know there are problems, but I want to stay?”

Here are a few important factors that may help you decide.

Where’s Waldo? The psychologically absent leader

Don’t like: I worked for a leader who was psychologically absent. He came to work every day but wasn’t engaged. His leadership style was laissez-faire, meaning he did not make decisions and was slow to lead any endeavor. He never advocated for things and always played the victim. Consequently, he did his own thing and didn’t hold anyone accountable. In other words, he didn’t really lead. Increasingly, small groups of people tried to escape from his influence, re-aligned themselves and even attempted power grabs. The constant internal politicking overshadowed the work. This type of leadership is destructive to building teams and retaining people. After awhile, frustration builds due to the lack of direction and leader engagement. Many people left our organization. Those who stayed did whatever they wanted. Chaos reigned.

Like: Even when there are problems, if the leader is highly engaged, passionate about the vision and mission, we all do better. I worked for a pediatrician leader who was passionate about children and training pediatricians. Every meeting was motivating and made me want to stay to be part of the team. He was completely psychologically engaged with his team.

Performance, not people

Don’t like: We know we have to perform and get things done at any job. But a leader who doesn’t show personal interest or care for their people, makes work an unpleasant place to be. Leadership guru John C. Maxwell got it right, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” It’s such a basic principle that is often lost in companies. Point is, people will stay even when there are problems if they feel cared for. And when that care is noticed, the bottom line is met because you are motivated to do good work.

Like: You feel cared for on the job. And you know your leaders have your back.

A lack of empathy

Don’t like: Empathy is a basic skill of emotional intelligence. When it’s missing in a leader, the person becomes unlikeable. Most often, this describes bosses who are transactional. Just get the job done at any price. One boss I had did not understand my work flow at all. He worked 24/7 and expected his people to do the same. One of the staff had a death in the family and was at a funeral on a non-work day. He called her and told her to get him something he needed now. The lack of empathy was astounding. She quit shortly after.

Like: Caring is shown with empathy. A boss who understands your plight, listens to your work problems that need solving, and focuses to make the work environment better, has empathy. Empathy can’t be faked. It shows up in crucial conversations. It is evident during crunch time. And it allows people to keep going even when things are tough.

They don’t see you

Don’t like: I worked for a boss who demanded a lot. He was a perfectionist. Our team wanted to do well despite his constant pushing. But when we accomplished our goals, he never gave credit to the team. We felt unseen due to the lack of recognition. We teach parents to praise their children in order to motivate them to do great things. Adult workers need the same. Bosses who don’t give recognition when recognition is due create poor work environments.

Like: You are recognized for a job well done. Verbal praise and recognition are given periodically. Words are powerful. Appreciation goes a long way.

Stuck with no growth opportunities

Don’t like: Again, thinking of all the places I have worked, one of the reasons people left a certain institution was  because there were no growth opportunities. One colleague was actually told he would never be promoted because he did the current job so well. They could not afford to lose him in that position. Hardly a great reason to stay, right? He soon took another job with growth potential. Stagnation in a position can easily result in dissatisfaction. And, it’s really bad for the health of the organization.

Like: Good bosses always provide growth opportunities. Mentors are provided to help you grow. Places that offer unlimited potential retain people.

Charisma hides the flaws

Don’t like:  Charmers are good at fooling others because of their charisma. But if they can’t get the job done or abuse their followers, they create an environment that is challenging over time. As an employee, you see the flaws that are not being addressed. There is no accountability. You notice that the charm is a cover for insecurity which impacts your work. And when charisma and narcissism run together, the workplace is subjected to the whims of the leader. This unpredictability and ruling by momentary feelings make the work environment stressful. When only one person’s opinion matters, the focus is always on pleasing the leader, not the quality of your work.

Like: We like charismatic leaders who surround themselves with a good team and delegate authority and responsibility. When you feel empowered by a charismatic leader to do a good job, it’s motivating. Your productivity levels rise. You’re healthier in the environment, emotionally and physically. The rising tide of healthy charismatic leaders lifts all boats–to borrow from an old truism.

If on Sunday night you dread thinking about going to work, reframe that thought.  How can I bring healthy to my area? Can I model better cherishing my colleagues and co-workers? How can I lead, within my sphere of influence to make a difference for everyone? Don’t allow yourself to become the victim of a toxic boss. Take the healing lead to a better workplace.

This is a very disturbing story. A dad, his 4-year-old son and a 3-year-old sibling were going to MacDonald’s. The children were in the back seat of the car as they drove through the lane to order. According to NBC News, the workers got the order wrong. Thus, the dad was asked to pull over to the front of the store so the order could be corrected. Angered by this, the dad flashed a firearm. Seeing the gun, the MacDonald’s employee rightfully called the police. While this is disturbing in and of itself, the next part of the story is even more concerning.

When police came, they had to pull the father from the car as he would not respond to any of their commands to get out of the car. Once they secured him, he was going to be taken into custody. But an officer noticed a gun pointing out of the back window of the car. The gun was fired by the 4-year-old son in the back seat sitting next to his 3-year-old sibling. Apparently, he had been instructed by his dad to shoot police. Yes, you read that correctly -a 4-year-old shot at a police officer after being given a gun by his dad and told to shoot.

This is chilling. A father instructs a preschooler to shoot at police. Other than the reported story, I know nothing about this man or his life. So my comments now are based on what at we know clinically about this type of anger expression.

Anger Lessons

Anger runs in families and is learned generationally. In this case, a 4-year-old child got a lesson in how to deal with frustration when an incorrect order was placed. Children learn to be angry from observing and seeing anger modeled in their families, media and other sources of exposure. Not only do they see it, but they imitate it. And in this case, anger expression was even instructed.

Now, all of us feel anger from time to time. But it is the expression of  anger that is learned and can be toxic. And situational factors can add to angry feelings –low socioeconomic status, relationship with a partner, and partner violence have all been associated with generational violence. These are factors, not givens, meaning they can create a tipping point.

Unfortunately, stressed and angry parents who are unregulated in their emotional states teach their children the same. Feelings of frustration are projected on to other people. Angry people feel victimized or out of control of their lives. They blame others for feelings of discomfort.

While an incorrect order at MacDonald’s is an unlikely trigger for most of us, the pile up of stress, victim status, and unregulated emotions can end in an outburst directed at others. When anger is other-oriented, people get hurt.

Sadly, in this story, the father has already taught his son how to express anger, frustration and hate.  Children watch how the adults in their lives deal with their temper, anger in traffic, anger at their boss or co-workers, anger at family members and neighbors. They sense the build up of frustration and then watch how it is discharged.

But anger aimed at others solves nothing. In fact, it hurts those you love.

So how does this change?  How do we help people put down weapons and deal with their frustrations in a better way?

Change Anger expression

In order to stop explosive anger…

1. Don’t give vent to it. Venting anger escalates it.
2. Don’t keep thinking about how you are wronged. The more you think about it, the angrier you will become.
3. Stop demanding people behave in ways you think are right. We have no control over what other people do and say, yet reacting as if you do, leads to more anger.
4. Holding on to anger and offense breeds resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, and more negative emotion which only compound anger problems. Forgive those who have hurt you. Stop nursing offenses.
5. Extend grace. No one does the right thing all the time. We all fall short and must work at extending grace to those around us. Grace is unmerited favor, meaning it is not deserved but given anyway. Extending grace to others is an antidote to generational anger.

Then, it  is up to the angry person to get at the root of his or her anger and learn calming techniques to regulate this powerful emotion.  Otherwise, the cycle will simply repeat over and over. It takes intention and work to manage anger.

Fortunately, the child in our news story did not kill anyone. Hopefully, someone will intervene and help this young child and his father learn better ways to cope with life and interact with people who frustrate or disappoint. If not, the cycle will continue and more harm will be done.