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Jim’s ‘s life was a mess. He was making one bad choice after another and was miserable.

“Jim, why don’t you get help? I have a great therapist who has helped me a lot. Do you want her number?” 

“No thanks, I will figure it out. I’m not crazy.”

Of course Jim is not crazy. But he is emotionally stuck and hesitant to get help. His idea of therapy is based on a number of myths. Most of what he knows about therapy is simply not true. Here are 10 common myths that prevent people from asking for help:                     

1. I am doomed by my dysfunctional family. Show me a family that is not dysfunctional and we will all move to that planet! And when we move, there are no guarantees that people there won’t be dysfunctional as well! We are all broken and have stuff. But you can’t blame your family for your problems, even if they are aliens! Families may contribute to your problems, but you are ultimately responsible for fixing your issues. And it can be done. Therapy focuses on how you react to family patterns and what you have learned from your original family. Thankfully, learned behavior can be unlearned and you can change. You are not doomed by your family.
2. I will need to talk about my mother. We only do so if mom is in the room and can talk back! Seriously, moms have a bad rap. Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever undertaken. We should talk about our moms, but in kinder, more empathetic ways, and stop blaming them for all the ills of the world. They did not cause famines in our land, riots in our streets or wars among nations. Yes, some moms have serious problems and we need to learn how to respond to them, maybe forgive them and set boundaries. But the purpose of talking about moms or any family member is to get at your response to them and to see if you can reconcile, come to terms with them and live in peace. So, talk about your mom or any family member with the purpose to better understand your influences and how those influences have impacted you. Then, decide what parts you want to change or keep that are positive.
3. I have problems because I wasn’t breast-fed. You have problems if you even make this statement! How can someone’s breasts cause you to have problems? I mean, think about it. Freud just needed to blame his mother (see #2). Truth is, life circumstances contribute to our functioning. Some of us grew up with challenges from the beginning. Therapy helps you understand those influences to better understand who you are today. Again, the purpose of this exploration is so you can make choices to be a better person. And with the power of Chris in you, you are an overcomer.
4. I have to lie down on a couch and get in touch with my inner child. Inner child, outer child—get in touch with your grown-up child! I am not dismissing the wounds of childhood. They deeply affect us, but we can get so stuck in childhood pain that we don’t change our current adult behavior. And in many of my therapy offices, there was no couch, only chairs! When I did have a couch, I was on it most times just to relax! The furniture in a therapist’s office is often given to the therapist or chosen for comfort and putting you at ease. Very few doctors practice psychoanalysis and put you on a couch. So if this not what you want, ask about the therapy approach used.
5. I help people so I must be co-dependent. By today’s definition of codependency, Jesus was codependent. Helping others and showing concern for them is not pathological. It’s called Christ like. It’s part of who we are as compassionate people. The problem comes when help isn’t helpful—when you do for others what they can do for themselves. Or when you feel responsible for another person’s actions or feel you need to fix them. Therapy can help you know the difference between codependency and servanthood.
6. I am a victim (see #1). If you were raised in the 1950s, you suffer from the repression of women; raised in the 1960s, the “devil made you do it” and is to blame; grew up in the 1970s, free love and drugs led you astray. If you are a child of the 1980s, you got caught up in materialism and greed; raised in the 1990s, Bill Clinton’s mother and grandmother are to blame (see #2). Finally if you were raised in the 2000s, technology is the problem. The truth is…everything can influence you, but you are ultimately responsible for who you are before God. On the Day of Judgment, I can’t imagine God allowing us to parade a long line of people who prevented us from taking responsibility. We face the big Guy alone and will be accountable for our actions. So, stop being a victim and take responsibility for how you respond to what has happened to you.
7. I will need counseling the rest of my life. If you do, you are seeing a crook. The purpose of counseling, or any help for that matter, is to get you standing on your own two feet. The idea is to get problems resolved and move on with life. A good counselor, especially one who understands the transforming power of Christ, doesn’t give you a life sentence. Counseling may take awhile depending on the trauma and wounding you experienced, but the idea is to equip you to handle life once those issues are resolved.
8. It doesn’t matter who I see. Actually, it matters quite a bit. You want a therapist who understands, shares and supports your world view. There is a difference between a secular approach to therapy and a Christian one. This is because everything we do is informed through that lens of world view. While therapists try to be neutral, the truth is no one is neutral. We are all impacted by our world view and it influences how we direct others. Issues like marriage, gender, end of life, etc are filtered through your world view and should be consistent with biblical truth.
9. I can’t change. This is a defeatist attitude and one that keeps you stuck. Change is the hallmark of the Christian life. If Saul, the terrorist, changed to Paul the apostle, what more proof do you need? The very person who persecuted Christians became a leader of the faith. Again, the transforming power of Christ changes everyone. Therapy just helps you apply the Word to your every day life and problems. Christian therapists help facilitate the healing power of Christ in you. Transformation is the hallmark of the Christian life. Christ in you should change you. Therapists can help you figure out what’s blocking that transformative change.
10. It’s embarrassing to get help. Ahh, back to Jim. That was his issue. He worried what other people thought. And he felt like a failure for asking for help. Yet, he was stuck and miserable. Asking for help  requires humility. But we all need help now and then. And if you had a difficult road to your adult life, making sense of all the obstacles and difficulties can make a real difference. Don’t believe the lie that asking for help means weakness. It takes courage and strength to admit a need for help. So lose the embarrassment and embrace a better future.

If you haven’t heard of Tok Tok, you don’t have children or grandchildren. TiK Tok is a social media platformed used by millions. Actually there are about 3 billion downloads to date. One-third of those users are children under the age of 14. Yes, it is very popular with younger teens. The platform can provide fun moments and videos. People are very creative and funny.

But like all social media platforms there are downsides.  New research on social media platforms and mental health in children and teens continues to be published.

According to Dr. Alan Blotcky, a clinical psychologist who sees children and teenagers in therapy, we should be concerned about Tik Tok. It isn’t harm free. Yes, there are positives to using this app. It is entertaining. And it also provides a social network and a place for free expression of creativity. However, parents should be aware of the dark side as well.

Toxic video recommendations: Did you know Tok Tok provides a stream of user uploaded videos and recommends clips to watch? Look at those recommendations. You may find them to be toxic to your children. For example, videos containing violence can produce anxiety in some children. Check out the stream of user uploads to see what else your teen may be watching. Check for video recommendations that contain extreme or provocative content as well. The personal algorithm tailors content to users’ interest. If you have a teen struggling with mental health issues, certain videos could negatively influence. Talk to your teen and warn him or her to avoid videos of bullying or dangerous challenges. For example, #PainTok includes topics of conversation about suicide and self-harm.

Depression and Anxiety: While Tik Tok may not cause depression, depressed teens who spend lots of time on the platform can become more sad and withdrawn. Just be aware that this could exacerbate depression in some children and teens. Studies indicate that social media can increase anxiety and depression and have a negative impact on  mental health–especially if your teen spends hours on these platforms. These apps are built with psychology in mind. The intent is to make you view more and stimulate dopamine in the brain to bring pleasure and reward. Then, you want to see more.

Self-Diagnosis: Young teens are already fraught with worry about how they fit in–they constantly compare themselves to others. So also keep in mind that some teens can self-diagnosis based on what they see on social media and then think their peers can help them. This is disconcerting. They need to be evaluated by mental health professionals, not other children on these platforms.

Sexual preditors: Like all social media platforms, sexual predators look to these platforms for victims. Talk to your child and teen regularly about not engaging with people they do not know. Young teens and children do not have the cognitive ability or emotional maturity to discern who is trying to harm them.

Sleep problems: There is concern that Tok Tok is impacting adolescent sleep and may become addicting. The issue here is that good sleep requires what we call REM sleep. A recent study found that users took approximately 1 hour and 7 minutes to fall asleep after using the app; and only 14% of their sleep was in the REM part of the sleep cycle. However, there is some good news. Several months ago, TikTok decided to prevent teenagers from receiving notifications past their bedtime. This was part of their “child safety” improvements. Users aged 13-15 no longer receive push notifications after 9:00p.m.

Privacy: Finally, privacy is always a concern. And, as is the case with most social media platforms, children do not understand how their privacy is compromised once they engage.

The message here is that a very popular platform needs constant parental supervision and conversation regarding safety and mental health. Like most things, we need to guard our heart and mind and make sure we are not doing things that cause more problems.

By now, you are aware of the story of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars. It’s been all over the news and social media. In case you missed it, Chris Rock was hosting the Academy Awards and made a joke about Will Smith’s wife, Jada. Jada has been open about having alopecia-a medical condition that causes hair loss. It was clear that Jada and Will did not appreciate the joke about her hair loss. Will got up out of seat, went to the stage and slapped Chris Rock. The audience didn’t  know what to do nor did the comedian. People were shocked. But should we be surprised? Is this a reflection of the culture?

Since the pandemic began, we’ve had 2 years of unrest and pent up anger. Anger has been expressed by burning down businesses, looting downtowns, calling people names, screaming, fighting and being uncivil on social media. People threaten each other over wearing masks or getting vaccines. Shootings and crime are up. We have a crisis of civility and social harmony. We have forgotten how to talk to each other and be nice.

Look, I am not excusing Will Smith’s behavior in any way. It was wrong. And Chris Rock should not have made fun of a woman’s medical condition. But media is filled with themes of revenge and pay back. One of the most streamed TV shows, Yellowstone, is all about hurting others who hurt you. And if you want more proof of how we are encouraged to unleash anger,  jump on social media and take an unpopular position. You will get death threats.

People are angry but how they express it matters. They hold resentment. And contrary to Will Smith’s statement, love does not make you go after other people. This is what love does:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7). 

The Bible instructs us to be angry and not sin. Anger is a normal emotion, but how it is expressed matters.  We are not to hold it and allow it to become resentment.

“To be angry is human; to put an end to one’s anger is Christian.” — St. Jerome

I hope Chris Rock and Will Smith work it out. I pray there is forgiveness and a release of resentment. I know Will Smith did apologize. That is a good step, However, I hope that they and others will consider the impact of a culture that promotes rage, revenge and violence to others. Something is missing. That something is the moral virtue of forgiveness.

Since Martin Luther King, Jr. called us to nonviolence, we have lost our way. Political activists have lost the concept of forgiveness in the quest for justice. However, forgiveness and justice go hand in hand. Anger that is toxic leads to revenge, not justice. Anger becomes corrosive when it turns to resentment and unforgiveness. Resentment and anger destroy community. But forgiveness can restore social harmony.

I pray Will Smith can truly choose to forgive Chris Rock. It is the only thing that will heal his soul. Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing what Chris Rock did. It is not just calming down or forgetting the unkind remarks about his wife. It is an active choice to restore harmony and lose resentment.

In fact, forgiveness is needed when you are treated unfairly by others. It is counter culture because it is an offer of goodness to those who hurt you based on our common humanity as image bearers of God.

Dr. Robert Enright, a leading forgiveness researcher at the University of Wisconsin, defines forgiveness like this:

“When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts.”

When an injustice occurs, we choose to forgive and give up our right to resentment. Sadly, forgiveness as a moral virtue is fading in our culture. Yet, it is the thing we need most to build community. Unless we teach people the power of forgiveness, there will be more revenge and corrosive anger.

Forgiveness is the essence of the Gospel. God so love that He gave. Then His son chose forgiveness on the cross and tells us to forgive others as we have been forgiven.

The most important element in this anger incident is not that a man lost control or that another was unkind. Hey, we are all broken. It is about how they respond, individually and to each other in their heart. The heart must be transformed.

There was an injustice, then an apology but will there be forgiveness and possible reconciliation?  I pray for each to have the grace to do the needed work of forgiveness.

How sad is it when a teen who stands for purity is laughed at and mocked by her peer group? That brave young lady is trying to stand by her convictions. Convictions that will end in her flourishing, Yet her standards are under attack.

Convictions are fixed and firm beliefs we hold to be true. But when they don’t align with a particular cultural narrative, they are attacked. When your “truth” is not allowed, it and you are vilified. Yet, the “opposers” are typically the loudest proponents of socially constructing “their truth.”Are you confused? If so, good. Because it makes no sense.

These days, holding firm to a belief often means you are judgmental, narrow minded, maybe even hateful or bigoted. For example, when someone stands by a conviction on social media, the claws come out, the name-calling and bullying ramp up. What results is friends who defriend, and family members who won’t get together anymore because they are too offended. We have moved away from tolerance.

How did we get to the point that a woman won’t sit next to a man on an airplane because he doesn’t share her convictions on climate control? The roots can be found in political correctness–the government’s solution to controlling our hearts and minds. Political correctness silences talk of convictions–unless they are the convictions of the politically correct. And who are they? How are they governed? What “truth” are they grounded in?

Just because you feel something to be true, doesn’t make it true. This is the danger today. Everything is now socially constructed. Truth is no longer to be discovered. Rather we are to create our own truth as evidenced by the popular saying, “My truth.” No judgments are to be made. Thus, there can be no moral progress or reform. Without truth, there can be no freedom.

Many professors on our college campuses teach young minds to socially construct truth and to vilify those who disagree with words deemed slanderous and offensive. This is all done in the name of “new” tolerance –a conviction that all beliefs, lifestyles and truths are equal (except yours, of course). Thus, I can no longer claim genuine conviction regarding my own beliefs without a fight!

C.S. Lewis saw this as dangerous. A tolerant man under the old definition, meant someone who’d respect you and treat you kindly even when he disagreed. But if tolerance today means all beliefs are equal and no one has truth, then religious people are labelled intolerant. This “new” tolerance leads to a lack of conviction. And who decides that your belief should no longer be tolerated? Who is in charge of this judgment? It is God or the standard of His Word?

We have a crisis of truth. Avoid the crisis. Don’t buy the lie that to believe in biblical truth makes you intolerant of others. Don’t believe this nonsense. All of this is an attempt to silence your faith and avoid the Spirit’s conviction based on beliefs. The goal is to allow everyone to do what is right is their own eyes which will lead to lawlessness and chaos. It was true during biblical times and is no different today.

Call sin, sin. Hold on to biblical truth. Stop bowing to elites who hold the microphone or have a platform. But speak the truth in love. And that is important. Because if you don’t love, you are not living in God’s truth. Jesus said, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples” (John 13:35).  Love is the mark of a true disciple. So, when you are ridiculed for standing in truth, respond in love. Pray for more love. Love your enemies as Jesus challenged us in the Sermon on the Mount. And stand for truth. 

During coffee one morning, Rita said, “I wonder if I have a food problem.” While this was sort of surprising, I pressed,  “Why do you think that? What brought this on?” She replied, “I just feel I am thinking too much about food and losing control.”

Rita isn’t alone. You may be thinking the same. Here are 10 questions to ask yourself when it comes to food or eating problems:

1. Do I constantly think about food, my body or my weight? While it is normal to obsess some on you body in today’s culture, it’s not normal to constantly think or talk about your body and weight. This focus can indicate a growing obsession on controlling how you look. This over focus can be caused by feeling out of control in other areas of your life.
2. Does the thought of eating make me feel anxious? It should not. So the question is why do you feel anxious to eat? Food is nourishment and should not bring on anxiety. This could indicate a deeper issue.
3. Am I afraid I’ll get fat? No one likes to gain weight but a fear of gaining weight signifies an unhealthy focus.
4. Do I keep eating when I’m not physically hungry? This usually indicates compulsive eating or emotional eating. You no longer eat in response to hunger cues, but emotional ones.
5. Do I eat until I feel sick? This is a sign of binge eating and is not healthy. The lack of control over the food, eating quickly and lots of calories in a short amount of time defines binge eating. It is a potential sign of bulimia and binge-eating disorder.
6. Do I weigh myself several times a day or week? This is obsessive. It also indicates worry over eating and gaining weight to an extreme. No one should weigh themselves multiple times a day or week. Our weight fluctuates based on a number of factors so multiple weigh-ins will bring undue anxiety.
7. Am I upset if I miss exercising? Exercise is good for all of us, but if you miss a work out or a few days a week due to busyness and feel anxious, you may have a problem.
8. Do I make myself throw up after I’ve eaten or take laxatives to lose weight? This is considered purging, a sign of bulimia or anorexia with purging. These are very unhealthy ways to lose weight and can create serious medical problems. So if you find yourself beginning this pattern or doing this, get professional help.
9. Do I feel like food has taken control of me? If yes, this is a sign you might need professional help. You need to feel in control of your eating. Other wise, food is symptomatic of other things in your life that feel out of control. A positive relationship with food is our goal.
10. Do I hate my body? I hope not. No one has a perfect body. You can work on looking your best. Stay at a healthy weight, take care of yourself. But body hate signals internal problems. Your body is the target of other negative emotions you feel towards yourself. Those need to be identified and worked through.

If you answered YES to a number of these questions related to food issues, you may have an eating disorder or show early signs of developing one. The sooner you do something about your attitudes and feelings toward food, the more you can avoid falling prey to unhealthy patterns. Call a mental health professional and get an evaluation today!