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Have you ever heard someone say, “It feels like I am walking on eggshells? Small things become big. There is always a conflict. And I feel like something will erupt at any time.”

They might be describing an intimate relationship with someone who is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Living with someone with BPD is not easy because they are so emotionally reactive.

Here is one person’s account. “One minute I am her best friend and the next, she won’t talk to me. Everything is a crisis or a conflict. And I am wondering if I should even answer the constant text messages blowing up my phone.”

This experience of on-going crisis, characterized by all or nothing thinking, is a marker of the person with borderline personality disorder. It can be exhausting in a relationship.

Fear of abandonment

People with BPD have interpersonal difficulty because they carry a constant fear of being rejected, separated or abandoned. In fact, fear of abandonment is a root cause of the disorder. Consequently, they can be impulsive, suicidal, engage in risky sexual behavior, substance use and have mood swings. In some cases, intense anger and aggression can land them in trouble with the law. And what makes all this difficult is a noticed lack of empathy because they are so self-focused. Their emotional pain is great.

Remain calm during conflict

When conflict erupts (which happens a lot), the best thing is to remain calm. Then, wait until the “crisis” is over to discuss anything of meaning. If conflict escalates, take a deep breath and do not become emotional reactive yourself. That will only escalate things. Try listening. If that doesn’t help and things still escalate, tell the person you are taking a time-out to get perspective.

Do not get defensive despite what is said and do not invalidate their feelings. And do not try to convince the person they are wrong. Rather simply state your position in a calm and friendly way. Make sure your tone of voice is firm, but matter of fact. Communicate that there is a solution if you both can talk it through. When possible, distract, deflect and delay in order to calm down the emotional reactivity. Most of all, do not take the conflict personally. Most likely, they are responding to some inner emotional pain.

Pay attention to self-harm

If the person starts threatening self-harm, even if it is attention-seeking, take it seriously. This means you need a plan to deal with this behavior. Have the person call his or her therapist, go to the emergency room with you or call a hotline. Let the person know you care and are listening to their emotional pain. Reflect and summarize what they say so they know they are heard and not being abandoned. This will help de-escalate the situation.

Treatment

There is no medication treatment for borderline personality disorder (BPD). This is because problems stem from interpersonal interactions. Typically, the person is always testing you to see if you will abandon them like others have in their past. Thus, relationships issues need to be addressed. But the person with BPD does not go willingly into therapy. Usually it is the threat of losing a relationship that motivates treatment. So, encourage the person. Let them know that therapy can help them live a life worth living.

An effective and evidenced-based therapy for BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT helps the person with interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, emotional regulation and distress tolerance. Developing these skills helps the person respond better in relationships. They learn better ways to cope with feelings of intense emotional emptiness. And the therapy directly addresses suicidal thoughts and how to handle them.

Keep in mind that you can’t change the person’s intense reactions, all or nothing thinking, or feelings of rejection. They have to work on those areas in therapy. But you can control your response to the person. The less emotionally reactive you are, the better. Your ability to stay calm will take the air out of the conflict balloon and make life easier.

Spiritually, you can remind them that God never leaves, abandons or forsakes them. Our relationship with God is secure. He can fill that emptiness and calm the chaos in one’s life.

If I asked you to think about the role fear has in your life, you would probably say it is a block. You don’t want to feel or have iit n your life. Fear is an obstacle to achieving your goals and doing what you have been called to do.

Fear has no good purpose. It keeps us stagnant, not moving forward, and leads to missed opportunities because we are afraid to try new things. Fear also focuses the brain on the worst outcomes and stops us from thinking things through. This then leads to bad decisions or paralysis to act.

Fear has been a force in the pandemic. It fuels cancel culture and stops us from doing the right thing. So, examine your fears. Over and over, Scripture tells us not to fear. No good thing comes from it.

Here are a few of those fears to ponder. What role do they have in your life? Do they hold you back? Keep you stuck?

Fear of loneliness

No one likes to be alone, but when fear motivates you to stay in an unhealthy relationship, it doesn’t go well. If you find yourself saying, “Well he’s not the best person, but I don’t see anyone else out there for me,” that is fear. Trust God to bring the right person in your life at the right time.

Or if you stay in an unhealthy friendship because you are afraid of missing out, rethink why you stay in such a relationship. How does that person encourage you or contribute to the friendship? And if you allow so-called cyber-friends to be negative on social media, rethink why you need to be on these platforms and take this abuse. At the root is usually FOMO (fear of missing out).

Fear of failure

No one likes to fail. It’s embarrassing. There is actually a phobia related to failure. It’s called atychiphobia, an irrational and persistent fear of failing. It is immobilizing and can cause you to do nothing.

This type of fear is linked to a number of causes. For instance, having critical or unsupportive parents leads to feelings of insecurity or fear of being humiliated. That fear of failure can carry to adulthood, making you think you aren’t good enough to accomplish things.

Also, experiencing a traumatic event or personally humiliating event can lead to fear of failure. For example, several years ago you gave an important presentation in front of a large group, and you did poorly. The experience might have been so negative that you became afraid of failing in other areas. You lost your confidence. And you carry that fear even now, years later.

But consider this when it comes to failure. Michael Jordan, one of the greatest basketball players of all time, was cut from his high school basketball team because his coach didn’t think he had enough skill! Can you imagine if he had allowed that failure to define him?

Failure is a part of life. Turn it around. Learn from failure. Don’t let it define you and keep you from accomplishing your goals.

Fear of uncertainty

Maybe through the pandemic, we embraced this fear a little better. Few things have been certain. We have been forced to live with not knowing. Uncertainty is a part of life because we don’t know tomorrow. We can’t always get things right and have to make decisions with what we do know at the time.

However, we are assured of one thing–our salvation. God is present in our lives and works for us when we trust Him. His Spirt lives in us and helps us to discern things. So be guided by the Spirit, especially in times of uncertainty. This is a bonus of the Christian life.

And it is reassuring to know we can have God’s peace in the middle of uncertainty, “For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:5-6). It’s clear that perfect love (God’s love) casts out all fear.

So right now, think about what makes you afraid, what fears may be holding you back from accomplishing all God has for you. Then go to God, give Him those fears, take authority over them. The name of Jesus is powerful to drive out fear. Finally, focus on the positives and the goodness of God. Don’t let fear hold you back.

College! A time of learning and career preparation. But what your young adult may be learning might shock you. I spoke to a mom recently who had no idea Sex Week was part of many college campus’ experiences.

Almost a decade ago, Nathan Harden, author of Sex and God at Yale: Porn, Political Correctness, and a Good Education Gone Bad, provided a wake-up call for parents of college students. His book was an expose on a practice that continues to this day. In fact, Sex Week was the lead up to Valentine’s Day this year on many campuses.

Despite Harden’s revelations, universities and colleges continue to promote, subsidize or host Sex Week. In his book. Harden revealed that at Yale, Sex Week is officially run by students, sponsored by the porn industry and sanctioned  by the University as “sex education.”

During Sex Week, porn stars provide graphic demonstrations of oral sex, violent sado-masochism acts, and other sexual practices. Sex industry CEOs are invited on campus for a marathon of sex-relatd film screenings, seminars and product demonstrations.

So  parents, your tuition dollars and your state taxes are often funding classes that teach your daughter how to be a prostitute and give oral sex to strange men. Your son can watch a live demonstration by a topless porn star on all kinds of deviant sexual acts. And women, you are the target of violent sex and sadistic pleasure and are supposed to think of this as sexually liberating. Your objectification and devaluing as a person…well, it’s only entertainment or a positive way to view of your body.

Are you kidding me? I feel violated just saying this.

I am personally outraged, offended and disturbed that ANY higher education institution would allow such degrading, objectifying, and morally corrupt behavior to be promoted on its campus. How does this fly with concerns over Title IX and sexual harassment? How many students are triggered into flashbacks by these events? What a mixed message this sends!

Would these universities like to also fund the thousands of dollars that will be spent on sexual addiction problems, broken relationships and ruined lives? Will they send me money to help undo the damage in therapy? As a couple’s therapist, I assure you, these programs do not create positive sexual behavior as promised.

The fall out from hypersexualizing people has been well-documented. The numbers of sex addicts and sexually violent offenders continue to rise. This results in abuse, sexually transmitted diseases, legal costs and disturbed people who need mental health treatment. Reducing people to sexual urges, encouraging sexual pleasure at any cost, is hardly the character development and life preparation we want our college age students to experience.

• Every alumnus should protest and stop sending money.
• Every parent should storm the once sacred halls and demand an end to such offensive activities. In fact, you should attend, take notes and make an appointment with an administrator of the college. Then contact news outlets and report what you saw. Hey, if this is so positive, the media attention would be welcomed.
• Parents, seriously consider NOT sending your student to these schools. Do a search and find out which institutions host a Sex Week. What kind of education are you paying for–you deserve to know since you fund this.
• Many of these institutions like Harvard were built on Christian principles and concerned about the moral development of young adults. They need our prayers.

This lack of moral integrity is one reason I sent my Salutatorian to a Christian university. She could have attended any school with her grades. But higher education does more than teach academics. It develops character and beliefs at a time when identity formation is critical.

Schools that promote Sex Week  have lost their  moral leadership. Despite all the reframing, they continue to allow women to be devalued at a time when the national spotlight is on Title IX and sexual assault. How sad is it that our young adults are led to believe that hyper-sexualism is normal and desired. Oh, and then when they practice what they learned in school, will get punished for illegally acting on those urges.

It’s winter. Cold and you’re bored with just about everything. So, you head out to your local coffee shop armed with a book and ready for a hot caramel macchiato. As you settle in to your little corner of the room, you notice a man at another table glancing at you. Well, actually, he might be staring at you. Not in a creepy way, but a friendly smiling type of way.

You look away. Back to your book that isn’t as interesting as this man who keeps glancing at you. At least you think he is interested. But you won’t stare back. However, out of the corner of your eye, you notice his broken gaze keeps coming back your way. It’s a little exciting, but is there anything to this? Have you watched too many Rom-Coms to think this guy could be interested in you?

Actually, there is something important going on in this brief scenario. Eye-to-eye contact is powerful. In fact, eye contact is one way to build attraction and interest. So much so that even strangers can feel attraction to each other just from making eye contact.

Staring can lead to attraction

A number of years ago, researchers Kellerman, Lewis and Laird randomly assigned opposite sex pairs of strangers to stare into each other’s eyes. After 2 minutes of mutual staring, the stranger couples were asked how they felt about each other. Those who gazed into each other’s eyes for 2 minutes reported feeling passionate love for each other.

Really? We can build attraction just by opening the windows of the soul? What is going on here? A lot including your biochemistry. Turns out, that when you stare lovingly into a person’s eyes, you release phenylethylamine, a chemical responsible for feelings of attraction (FYI, also found in chocolate!). And the love chemical, oxytocin that is responsible for feelings of bonding and commitment, get released as well.

In addition to this biochemical reaction, you may be thinking, do I signal something else with my glances?

Staring reduces uncertainty

Researchers Croes et al conducted an experiment to learn more about eye to eye contact with strangers. They looked at couples who were speed dating. In their study, romantic attraction didn’t develop, but eye contact resulted in lower feelings of uncertainty and increased self-disclosure. Eye contact allows the other person to open up and tell you things about themselves.

In fact, they found eye contact to be more powerful than asking a boat-load of questions. When  you get past the initial uncertainties starting a relationship, asking questions helps you  get to know them. But you may prompt more opening up and self-disclosure earlier by using eye contact.

Size matters but not where you think

And there is more. Pay attention all you optometrists! During the ovulation cycle of a woman, size matters…that is the size of a man’s pupils. Scientists think this is because pupil size during this part of the menstrual cycle indicates sexual interest. Researchers noted that pupil size only mattered during this peak time in a woman’s cycle. It’s then that women prefer men with larger pupils. Ok, I’ll let you figure out what to do with this information.

Make love last 

Finally, years ago, researcher Zick Rubin discovered that couples who sustained love over the years made eye contact around 75% of the time when they talked to each other. Their regular gazing into each other’s eyes helped sustain love. All those chemicals are stimulating and intimacy continues to build. Hey, this is a win-win strategy to make love last: it doesn’t cost money nor a lot of time.

So, if strangers feel passion and love for those who stare at them, what could this do for intentional relationships? Perhaps eye contact is a missing emphasis in love relationships. Fortunately, it is one you can easily correct.

Are you ready for a little romance? I hope so! Being in a romantic relationship makes both men and women happier.  Ok, I know, some of you are thinking, not in my case. But it is true.

While relationships can be a source of conflict, romantic relationships make us happy. And the stronger the commitment, the happier we are!

In fact, when researchers at Cornell University and Penn State University compared married couples to singles or cohabitators, they found that even when the marriage is not so happy, both partners have a better sense of well-being than singles or couples living together. A reason for this could be that marriage brings a sense of stability, given the commitment.

And here is the kicker. It’s not that happy people necessarily get into happy relationships. Instead, relationships seem to make people happier. So if you want to improve your well-being, find that special someone. And if you are in a relationship, celebrate your happiness. Romance makes us happy!

But this Valentine’s Day, let’s not fall into the trap of doing the standard dinner out, flowers and candy. While all of that is nice, how about infusing a little more romance with that special someone?

Think about this. The key to romance is novelty! Yes, a break from the ordinary does wonders to wake up a sleepy couple. New experiences stimulate dopamine in the brain and bring feelings of romance. I am guessing that a number of us could use a little stimulating when it comes to our couple relationships.

Here are 7 ideas to rev up the romance and stimulate the brain. Let’s go from boring to exciting!

• Do a couple’s spa night. Schedule the two of you for relaxation and pampering. Check on-line coupon sites for deals. I’ve done a couple’s spa night and I highly recommend it. It’s relaxing, romantic and fun. And my husband rarely pampers himself with massage and other treatments, so he loved it!
• Show love to a stranger or person in need. This is a really novel idea. Instead of focusing only on your love for each other, go to a homeless shelter, children’s hospital or someplace where showing love can bring joy to others. Then, when you come home, talk about the experience and appreciate each other. Point out the positive qualities you noticed about your partner while engaging with others.
• Picnic somewhere scenic. Take a blanket, a basket of food and drink and find a beautiful spot to picnic. For those of you in more northern climates, it may have to be an indoor place with a view, so be creative. You might even drive to a scenic view and picnic in your car. Or, if you have a fireplace, spread the picnic out on the floor! The point is, forget the standard restaurant and dinner table. Create a new space to celebrate your love.
• If you can afford it, go to a nice hotel and truly get away. Spa or not, head for a change in scenery for one night. Leave your devices locked away for emergencies only and enjoy the time together. If you can afford it, order room services. Even one night of a get-away refreshes the soul.
• Do something you never do: Sign up for a cooking class, go on a hike, or play laser tag. Think of a fun activity that gets you active together and create a memory. For instance, one couple who never bowls, goes bowling on Valentine’s Day just to stimulate the brain with a novel experience. And that is the idea. Make it novel. Create a surprise. Not knowing where you are going or what you are doing with only a few clues along the way adds to the fun and novelty.
• For those of you with a more creative side, write a poem, compose a song, or find quotes that express your love. And if writing a poem or composing a song seems too ambitious, place love notes all over the house with clues on how to find them. You can google quotes if you have trouble thinking of what to say.
• Recreate your first date. You may not be able to go back to the exact location, but you could use pictures, maps and reminders of the place. Then create the date and relive the memory. Pull out old photos and reminisce about the most romantic times. Put on soft music, candles and set the atmosphere for more to come! If you had a special song, get it ready to play. If you remember what you ate on that first date, prepare it. Remembering your feelings of first love can rekindle the present.

This Valentine’s Day, do something new to bring passion to your relationship. Romantic love doesn’t have to fade over time. Don’t settle for routine. Romantic love needs a few shots of novelty once in a while! And hey, this doesn’t have to end February 14th!