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Have you ever just watched people while waiting for a table or standing in-line to purchase something? Their nonverbal communication tells a story. Just by observing, you can tell if they like each other, especially when you watch a group of people.

The turn of the body

Let’s say you are mingling with a group of co-workers around the coffee pot.  Four of you are talking about a Netflix show everyone watched. You notice that one of the men is talking to another woman but has his feet and chest turned toward you.

According to researchers who study these types of nonverbal body behaviors, this indicates he has an attraction to you. So even though his head is turned to the woman he is talking to, his body is telling a different story.

“Body orientation” as the researchers call it, means something even in mundane conversations. So pay attention! If the upper body is turned in your direction, it could be a good sign the person likes you.

Leaning in

Now what if the person is talking to you and leaning forward? What does that signal? Friendliness! A more negative stance is when the person leans backward. So move over Brene Brown, leaning in can literally be a physical thing!

Armed and dangerous

OK, here is another one. The woman talking to you has an open-armed position. In other words, she is using her hands and arms expressively during the conversation. Good sign, right? Yes, but not a good sign if her arms are crossed when she speaks to you. That indicates dislike or a lack of attraction.

Mirror, mirror

So as you continue to chat up your coffee klatch, pay attention to another nonverbal sign. Is the other person matching your movements? We call this mirroring,  a type of mimicking another person’s movement and gestures. People who are in love do this all the time. They develop a physiological rhythm with their partner.

But back to our coffee time. You pour your cup and take a sip. That attractive guy next to you does the same. Then you fluff your hair. He puts his fingers through his hair. Something is happening here that could indicate attraction or a desire to connect with you. He is mirroring your actions. And all the while this mimicking is happening, he is smiling. Additionally, if he touches his face while you’re chatting, that’s also a sign of attraction.

Smile but mean it

But wait, what about that smile? Is it real or just a forced effort just to be nice? Ah, there is a way to tell the difference. Psychologist Paul Ekman tells us that if the smile is real, not fake, the eyes narrow and create lines–aka crow’s feet, at their outer corners.

As you continue to watch his face, you notice he is blinking his eyes rapidly and his cheeks are blushing. Good sign. So you toss your head (another reciprocal sign of liking). Not surprisingly, he asks you if you have dinner plans. All that nonverbal communication led to an invitation to spend more time together. Which may lead to…who knows where?

So next time you try to decide if someone likes you, you won’t have to wonder? Check out the body language for a series of clues!

Super Bowl is right around the corner. And we know it’s not ALL about the football. It’s those great creative commercials oh, and by the way, the yummy snacks and tailgating food that make the event special. So? The non-stop food for four hours also trips up even the best healthy eaters. For many of us, it also perpetuates the pattern of over eating.

The temptation of the endless chips and salsa bowl…the wings…the dips…the desserts. For foodies, life just doesn’t get any better. Thanks, NFL, for this feast of football and food!

So how do you put on the breaks, enjoy the food but not have regrets a day later?

Don’t clear the table

Let’s begin with those tempting wings. In my book, Press Pause Before You Eat, I discuss a study conducted by Dr. Brian Wansink, researcher at Cornell University, that involved chicken wings. Wansink studied graduate students eating at an open buffet featuring chicken wings during a Super Bowl. For one group of students the waiter replaced their once wing-filled plates with clean plates, while the other groups’ bone-filled plates remained. In other words, one group saw the results of their eating because the bones piled up in front of them. The other group had the bones taken away as they ate. The result? The group with continually cleaned plates ate more.

Our take away: Don’t remove the evidence of how much you eat! It will help you eat less.

Consider the shape of your glass

Another one of Wansink’s studies involved the shape of the drinking glass as it relates to how much we drink. While Wansink was the Director of the Food and Brand lab at Illinois, he looked at how the shape of a glass influenced the pour. He studied teens, adults and even bartenders to see if a short fat glass versus a tall thin glass influenced how much liquid was poured. In the end, all 3 groups poured more into a short, fat glass than a tall thin one.

Our takeaway: To get fewer calories from your drinks, use a tall thin glass.

Choose your background music wisely

This last tip has to do with the type of music playing when you eat. Researchers at the University of South Florida found that soft music influences people to make healthier food choices, while loud music does the opposite. Other studies support this finding. Here is why. Loud music creates arousal, excitement and even stress. And that physical/emotional response promotes unhealthy eating. Pay attention to the music playing next time you eat out. And think of all the hype and music during sporting events. Now you know why you reach for another hot dog!

Our take away: When you’re home and can control the music, turn down the volume and listen to a slow soothing tune. You’ll eat less.

A calm physical body will help you make wiser eating choices. But calm and Super Bowl? Probably not two things that go together! So maybe save these prescriptions until after this year’s game.

Boredom! Who wants that? And we certainly don’t want to be bored in a relationship. Yet many couples complain that they are bored with their partner and want to spice up their relationship.

Day-to-day routines quickly render things mundane. Like the caged rat running on the wheel, you want to break out and do something different. Routines are comforting, but they get old: wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, interact with the kids, then watch TV and go to bed. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

When boredom sets in, it is easy to take your partner for granted. And COVID hasn’t helped. Now we are so much more limited in what we can safely do. Fortunately, this is beginning to change.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Couples who have been together a long time do fall into a routines and patterns. There is comfort in this. Predictability and structure help with stress. But when the routine begins to cause you to lose interest in your partner, there could be a problem. The enthusiasm goes away and you find yourself tired and bored. Life becomes monotonous. And when disconnection follows, relationships are heading toward destruction.

So, how do we appreciate familiarity and enjoy the comforts of routine, but prevent boredom? Consider these tips:

1. Know what you partner loves and make sure you both do it. For me, it’s travel. It takes me out of the mundane and brings novelty to the relationship. Yes, travel has been challenging during COVID, but a road trip to a park, a short trip to enjoy something new and eventually more trips, makes me happy. So talk to your partner and find out what your partner likes and intentionally work that in to your schedule.
2. Novelty is important. You have to shake it up once in awhile. So try something new. Together. You might try a cooking class, a ballroom dancing class, even a new church volunteering activity. Whatever is new and different that you can do together, gets the dopamine going (reward feeling in the brain).
3. Find ways to laugh together. There is something about adding humor to a relationship that makes it fun and a little more unpredictable. Find ways to laugh together. Maybe a movie, a funny game, charades, etc. Tickle each other. Make the partner laugh. Shake it up with some fun. Get silly and let go a bit. Humor is a good stress reliever as well.
4. Get active. Don’t give in to tiredness–it will make you even more tired. Instead, get active. Start walking, exercising and doing things together. It’s easy to sit at home and get on a device which is not interactive with real people. Put down the electronics, turn off the TV and get outside or do something inside. Take on a home project, a new skill to learn or take a language class together. Make yourself move off the couch and your mood will improve as well. And a better mood with exercise and activity makes a better partner.
5. Be curious about your partner. When you meet up after work at home, ask questions about the day. What was interesting, challenging? Discuss life goals and dreams and what you long to build together. Continue to get to know your partner as you grow together. Recently, I heard my husband telling a story I had never heard about his past. After all these years, I could still learn new things about him.
6. When it is safe, get together with friends. Something about a group of friends brings out laughter and fun. This is one of the things I really miss. I love inviting people to our home because hey, people are interesting. And the diversity of friends we have brings new perspectives. Yet I find a lot of couples are reluctant to host, feeling they aren’t good at it. It’s not that hard. Clean up the space, put out some food and just have fun. You could start a card group or some type of study as well.
7. Be affectionate. Not just in the bedroom but in surprising moments of the day or night. The other day, my husband brought home flowers. No reason, he just decided it would be a nice surprise and it was. Stop what you’re doing and give a hug or a kiss. Hold hands when walking and tell your partner why you appreciate them. It’s good medicine that we all need on a regular basis.

Look, boredom is natural in a relationship that feels safe and secure. But you don’t want to lose sight of working to make that relationship fun and interesting through the years. And that often takes intention. Enjoy the comfort of knowing the person well, but continue to shake it up once in awhile and remember how you met and what attracted you to that person in the first place.

Years ago, I was living my life as a rising college student on her way to the University of Michigan. Out of the clear blue, a life changing event happened. My oldest brother was killed in a plane crash due to a terrorist bomb. The world stopped. My family was thrown into shock and grief. I remember how during that time of intense sadness, our dog stayed by our side.  She seemed to sense what we were feeling. Her quiet presence in the room was comforting. And people did their best to comfort us. Some, better than others.

When a friend experiences a sudden loss, do you know what to do? What to say?

Do you worry that you might say or do something to make things worse?

The truth is, we may not have experience dealing with sudden loss. So helping a  friend or loved may feel awkward. Our heart may be in the right place and we want to provide comfort and be helpful, but often, we feel inadequate to act.

Given what we have been through in the past few years, and the number of people we have lost, here are 5 things to avoid and suggestions of what to do instead.

1. Don’t skirt around the issue. Be direct about what has happened. Use the person’s name as well. “Linda, I am so sorry you lost your brother, Gary, on that plane crash.” Avoiding the specifics or details doesn’t help with grief because this was a person with a name and life. The person they love is gone, so avoid being impersonal.
2. Don’t assume you know how the person feels. People feel loss and grief in many different ways due to their background and prior experiences. If you have never been through a similar situation, you really don’t know how the person feels. When I was dealing with infertility and lost a baby, so many women who were giving birth told me they knew how I felt. Not possible. Infertility puts a new spin on pregnancy and birth. The comfort from other women in my same circumstance felt more genuine. Even if your experience is similar, remember, loss is unique to that person. For example, the loss of my dad was very sad, but not filled with guilt or remorse. This was not true for another friend. So it is best to just say you are sorry for their loss. You can acknowledge how difficult loss is, especially when unexpected.
3. Don’t talk. Listen! When we feel anxious and don’t know what to say, we tend to babble. It’s the anxiety of the moment. Instead, let the person say whatever he or she needs to say. This is when listening skills are very important. Let them know you are here for them. Put you arm around them and tell them you care. But let them talk. Don’t force them to talk. Sometimes your presence is enough.
4. Don’t ask what they need. You know how this goes, “If there is anything you need, do not hesitate to ask.” When sudden loss hits, people are in shock and can’t tell you what they need. So saying, “let me know if you need anything” doesn’t go too far. It sounds trite and inauthentic. They are not concentrating on their needs, rather the shock. Instead, just do something tangible like sending food, flowers, a cleaning service or a small gift.  Do a kind deed and focus on meeting the ordinary needs like food, help with a chore, cleaning or a gift. When grief hits you, the last thing you think about is cooking and cleaning.
5. Don’t lose contact. When loss hits, people are very attentive for a short window. Then, everyone else goes back to their life that doesn’t include the massive change of a loss. But for the person in grief, their world has changed. Forever. Thus, it is the people who keep checking-in that mean the most. Stay in touch and follow up on the person regularly to see how they are doing. Invite them to join you for dinner or go to a movie when they are ready. Basically, follow them through the grief process and help them adjust to a new normal.

It’s January and cold! Omicron has me more isolated again and my activity level has tanked. I’m eating more. Why? Apparently there are a number of reasons I reach for yummy comfort food.

It’s true. Wintertime affects our eating habits. The cold temps, shorter daylight, less exercise and more isolation turn our attention to food. Behind our trips to the refrigerator is a bit of science that explain are urge to eat. The winter months can trigger cravings. Our hormones controlling hunger and appetite are affected and we feel hungrier. And what do we want? More higher calorie foods. So, here are 4 problems and solutions to help with winter overeating.

Problem: #1: I eat to reward myself

High calorie foods are tempting when you want to give yourself a little reward. Don’t I deserve a treat? Wouldn’t a cup of hot chocolate make me feel better right now? How about a hearty bowl of New England Clam Chowder? Oh, and a few chips would be nice to add some crunch. You know how this goes. Food is rewarding. It’s pleasurable and enjoyable to eat. We like and want to eat and have lots of access to food. All it takes is a few steps to the pantry to pull out a tasty delight.

Solution: Food is not the only reward. But you have to think about what else feels good and then do that. Try spending time playing with your children or being with your partner. Even play time with your pet can be rewarding. Watch a movie you have been waiting to see. Try an online workout class. Light a candle and take a long soothing bath. Treat yourself to a pedicure. The point is to think about what else is fun or enjoyable that could engage your time and energy instead of eating.

Problem #2: I eat because I am bored

Boredom often triggers mindless eating. You aren’t really hungry, however, eating gives you something to do. And the more time you spend indoors lessens your options and can lead to more inactivity and boredom. It’s too cold to go to the gym. And who want to brave the ice and snow? Yes, there is that exercise bike in your basement, but you feel too lazy to get on it. Furthermore, you have already binge watched every series of interest. When bored, eating gives you something to do.

Solution: Get off the couch and get active in something of interest. What about a new home hobby or craft? Try your hand at painting or drawing. Maybe a home building project or reorganization of a closet. Start reading a new book series or play games with the family. Break the boredom with activity rather than food.

Problem #3: I eat because I am stressed

And then of course, there is stress. Always lurking in the background whispering, “Just a few brownies will make you feel better.” We grab for the delights, then feel bad and even more stressed. And if you have those winter blues, stress eating can be a temporary mood enhancer. The lack of sunlight this time of year lends to carb craving. Food can help mood and reduce stress for the moment. But the effect is quickly gone. In the long run, it doesn’t work and leads to a habit of stress eating.

Solution: Learn to de-stress without using food. This is when good coping skills come in handy. Exercise and good sleep both help reduce stress. Practice relaxation techniques like progressive muscle relaxation or music meditation. Read your Bible to calm your racing mind and meditate on the goodness of God. Listen to an encouraging podcast or great praise and worship music to distract your attention away from food.

Problem #4: I eat whatever I have in the house

When the weather gets cold, we don’t feel like getting out as often and go to the store. But when the fruits and vegetables are gone, snack food becomes an easy option. Be aware of this and choose comfort foods that don’t derail your healthy eating lifestyle.

Solution: It takes planning to stock your freezer with frozen fruits and vegetables that you can whip up into a smoothy or use in the air fryer. Stock up on foods that will last or can be frozen. A few good choices are:

Soups. This is a winter comfort food but avoid the heavy creamed based ones. Opt for broth based with lots of veggies to fill you up.

Fruits: Put them in a bowl so you see them. When the craving strikes, reach for a tangerine or apple. Many fruits can help boost your immune system.

Vegetables: Get an air fryer and have fun with veggies. They taste so good using this method of cooking. You can use frozen bags and season them up.

Desserts: Have a few dark chocolate snacks to grab when you have that craving for dessert. Consider small sized treats in single servings.

Fish: Add salmon to your diet. The Vitamin D helps your mood

As we finish up these winter months, be intentional to not engage in mindless or lazy eating. But using these tips will help you eat better. Give them a try and see how you feel.